Rising up…straight to the top. Got the guts got the glory

I forget a lot of negative things in life.  A lot.  I have worked really hard to focus on the present moment (as that is all we are promised).  This week the past has come back with my creme filling son in a positive way and a negative way.  I got to see him back on the field for the first time in 5 years.  I cannot even type that without tears streaming down my face.  I cannot explain the range of emotions I experienced that night.  Nostalgia, excitement, sadness, happiness, faith and confirmation.  Confirmation that everything happens exactly as it should and that when you have faith and hope and conviction in your prayers- God delivers.  Now, he's playing in a men's softball league---so many would say, SERIOUSLY?  What's the big deal?  (Including my son, who laughed when he took one look at my face and knew I was about to cry).  Yes!  Seriously!!!  I wrote an entire book about how the game of baseball saved my son's life.  His love of that game and his desire to be on that field kept him fighting though his battle of childhood cancer.  When he decided to leave the game of baseball in college, I knew it was the right decision.  I was, however, afraid he would never pick up a glove again.  He said as much.  I knew, in my heart, that that would be a big mistake.  However, he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish in his life and this was not the time for baseball.  He has since completed his bachelor's degree, gotten his real estate license, moved out of state and back, gotten married, purchased his first brand new home, (not in that order)at the young age of 23.  So, when he decided it was time to join a league I knew that divine timing was at play.

Last night he asked me for some pictures of when he had cancer.  He has never wanted to look at those before.  I asked why.  He said, "It's childhood cancer awareness month".  I forgot.  So I shared a file I have of pictures of just him.  I kept adding the cancer ones (noticing there were none of the two of us together--hmmm) He said, "I do not recognize that boy.  You don't have to go through anymore mom if it's too hard for you."  Huh?  I said I don't mind it AT all.  All I feel is proud and happy when I see those pictures.  He replied "WHY?"   I said "WHY?  Because look at you now!"  To which he sent me a wiseass selfie commenting on yea, now I have hair.  I said No!  Without that little boy, this man would not be who he is!  So as heart wrenching and AWFUL as it was---I can't wallow there.

I will honor September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I will keep all of those families in my prayers as they battle this horrific disease.  I know not everyone is blessed to have our outcome.   I am grateful EVERY day for DTM's life and the man he has become.

Because not every day is JUST a day in the life....

Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.  

I got the news today oh boy....

10 years ago we got nearly the worst news a family could get.  My then 10 year old got the diagnosis of Lymphoma.  We started the testing a month before and I knew in my gut that it was cancer, even though my brain couldn't believe it.  I don't remember that day often.  But every year on the 2nd of July my son and I share a moment.  It's like a knowing glance.  Sometimes we talk about it, sometimes we don't.  A few weeks ago we were all at the movies together and he says so are you free for lunch on the 2nd?  I said "Did we make plans?"  He says "It's 10 years mom"  I said I know very well what it is honey.  I just didn't remember if we had plans".  How could I forget that day?  I don't remember a lot of it but I remember the moment of the diagnosis.  Danny was sitting on the examination table and his little legs were hanging off the table swinging and Dr. Williams came in.  The first time we met him and he had to deliver this news.  He's over 6 feet tall but he got up on that table and let his legs dangle and swing along with him.  He gave us the news. There was a nurse and Danny's father in the room, if I recall, along with us.  But in my mind...at that moment...it was just my son and me.  Danny and I looked at each other, took a deep breath and I said, okay when do we start?  Dr. Williams was a bit taken back that it was taken so well.  He said, well we could start today if you wanted.  We looked at each other again and said "Let's do it".  And it began.  We drove the hour back home, packed what we needed for our first overnight hospital stay and began the soon to be familiar trip back to the Hospital.  Thinking back, I don't even remember telling my other children that their brother had cancer.  This day began a world that only included Danny and me.  Everything else was a distraction, truth be told. Of course I always worried about my other two children left at home but more about them being okay, I never really thought about what this diagnosis meant to them ---selfish really.  It was all about  Danny and me.  And still to this day, this time, this part of his life is still just ours.  No one else can begin to understand and they weren't there to experience every moment.  It was just the two of us.  It would be the first time Danny and I would be away alone together and truth be told I think he was a little excited.  He really was happy once we got settled.  He felt like it was a hotel stay (that drastically changed going forward). This was a quick treatment we were supposed to be out by early afternoon the next day.  Well the Dr. on call was nervous letting us go so we didn't get out until very late the next day.  And it began....the journey that changed my son forever, changed me forever and changed our relationship forever.

It's interesting that I don't recall the exact date we got an all clear that the chemo had worked.  If I'm guessing it's November 8th.  Strange isn't it?  That we celebrate the date of the diagnosis and not the cure.  I guess because once he was diagnosed it didn't ever cross our minds that the ending wouldn't be a happy one.  It also began the bond that my son and I share that no one else does.  It seems a bit narcissistic maybe that we feel that way.  But, oh well, it's the way it is.  If you were there and supported us during cancer you get a free pass for a lot of other stuff.  That time is in a snow globe of sorts....what happened before and what happened after can't touch it.  He often says he's grateful for this diagnosis, that it made him a different person.  I can't disagree.  His determination, his strength, his drive, his devotion, his kindness, his loyalty,  his passion.....was all built and fueled on this period in life.  The man he is today (an outstanding, incredible, charismatic, successful man) was built on this day 10 years ago.  I hope this all makes sense because quite honestly I'm crying so hard I can't see the keyboard and my heart is in my throat.

I wrote a book about Danny's battle with cancer and my perspective on it.  http://www.lulu.com/shop/tina-marie/beyond-the-immediate/paperback/product-21742888.html .  Here's the link if you want to check it out.  I started to read it the other day and I just couldn't do it.  Maybe because, as my brother says ,I'm no author or maybe because the feelings are buried and bringing them up again is just too painful.  Danny asked me this morning if I had any pictures of us together when he was sick.  I thought about it and realized I didn't.  He said, "I guess we weren't really thinking about taking selfies, huh?"  So I asked the family photographer, my sister and viola.  Here they are.  Then and now.....my heart is so full right now.  What a decade it's been.  He graduated high school, we moved to Florida, he bought his first new car, got his Associates Degree,  moved to North Carolina, he got married, moved back to Florida, started his career in real estate  https://dhosek.watsonrealtycorp.com/, and is one semester out from finishing his bachelors degree.  Those are the pivotal moments.  I left out his parents divorce, major shoulder surgery, 2015 as a whole, deciding to walk away from his college baseball career, 2 hurricane evacuations and some other not so easy ones.

But today, we celebrate.  What a difference 10 years makes.  My son is now a healthy, nearly 21 year old married man. Our relationship has evolved over the years but we have a bond that most people will never understand.  This day changed everything 10 years ago.  It was the beginning of a decade of hell truth be told.  My son often says our ten years of hell is almost over.  I think he's right.  We've been through more in this last 10 years than some families go through in a lifetime. We are proof that good things can come from the worst possible things.   And that sometimes.....it's NOT just a day in the life.....it's so much more.