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Monday, April 6, 2015

What's your love language?

During a meeting last week it came up that our childhood is the reason for all of our issues.  Hmmm, as a mother that made me feel really good (insert sarcastic smirk).  Everyone agreed and someone handed out a paper with an exercise on it about figuring out what dysfunctional "love" signs from your childhood was carried over to your adulthood.  I took the paper without intending to complete the task.  I really had a very happy childhood.  Do I have issues, ummm duh.  But so many people had abusive parents, screaming fights, alcoholism, blatant neglect, lack of food, etc., my issues were tiny and "normal".  Basically I felt unimportant and that no one could possibly love me for me.  Not sure where that came from because my childhood home was safe and loving.  I guess I am different then most people in my family---my intuitive gifts, my way of looking at the world, so I guess that's why I felt different and unworthy.  Whatever, suck it up and get over it---it could have been sooooo much worse!

Anyway, I decided to take a sea salt bath last week and go into a meditation to give me clarity in my life.  I'm feeling like great changes need to happen and I'm uncertain as to what my next steps are.  So, I start this meditation and it's all visualization (which I suck at, just saying) so I didn't expect much.  They have you go down this tunnel and ask what's on the walls?  (ummm, nothing.  I can't visualize) and then there are rooms to either side of the tunnel---what's in there? (ummm, nothing....I can't imagine anything).  Last but not least he said there would be rooms that only I would know what was in there---holy shitaki mushrooms I SAW stuff!  In this room was my doll carriage that I cherished as a little girl.  I still remember the Christmas when I got it, it was the best Christmas I can remember I was 5 almost 6.  My brother later took the wheels off that carriage to make a go cart and my mom threw the carriage out so I wouldn't know.  I was devastated.  Then there was a little red school house that came with dolls.  I remember asking my mom where it was and she told me she threw it out because I never played with it.  I was crushed.  There was a monkey that my cousin Chris had given me that skated and was just the most perfect thing ever.  Well, I guess we never got it to work, or got batteries and again, you guessed it.....I went to look for it and it was gone.  Ok, here's a pattern---material things were very important to me in childhood.  That was a way my family showed love.  It still is in a lot of ways.  Then, all the jewelry I had gotten over the years from my boyfriends.  I saw the ring I had thrown at my ex boyfriend in a fit of anger and lost.  Then my next boyfriend - he showered me with expensive jewelry all the time.  But I was never quite satisfied.  I was always disappointed and could never figure out why.  I thought I was a spoiled brat and that was why.  Then my ex husband - he was never one for gifts of the heart he was always one who was more practical.  The only jewelry he ever bought me I picked out, so of course I loved it, but I was missing something.  It never made me feel the joy that I thought it was supposed to bring me.  I have always been disappointed by gifts and items that people have given me.  I now realized my dysfunctional love language.  My whole life I thought things were how you show love----I've realized that that is NOT what speaks to my heart.  It's not things at all.  No wonder I had never had a truly happy relationship.  My heart was like NO, this is NOT what I need.  Material things mean nothing to me.

In 2011 I made a list of what I wanted in a man.   Not one of the things on there mentioned that he buys me things.  Ok, one of them was that he sends me flowers, but that's just because I love flowers and it's always nice to be surprised that someone thinks of you :)  but the rest of it was about how I felt when I was with him, qualities that he would have - his character.  That should have clued me in that material items weren't my love language.  The fact that my children's unconditional love used to make me feel whole and complete should have tipped me off too.  But hey, we learn our lessons when we are supposed to learn them right?

Just today I had two conversations about this same topic with two different friends.  I love that when I learn a new coping mechanism, one that truly helps find out what your soul needs I get to help others discover the same.  Now I challenge you to do the same.  Either follow the written task or the meditation, if you are inclined.


1.  Write down every negative association you have with your childhood home life - how did you feel negatively about your parents or how you felt in your childhood home, your siblings and your caregivers.

2.  Write down your past lovers and their negative qualities and how you felt around them.  Negative things that happened when with them.

3.  Then, circle any words that are repeated - this is your subconscious definition of love.

4.  Write a personal want ad.  For your subconscious using those negative qualities.  Doing this will bring more awareness to the vibration we are putting out in the universe and attracting to us.  This should make us laugh about ourselves and begin our healing process.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

If I wasn't afraid I would.....

Last week my friend challenged me to a writing assignment....If I wasn't afraid I would
________.   Oddly, that was the prompt that led me on my path of self discovery in 2008.  I laughed when I read it back then because I didn't think I was afraid of anything!  Brave was a word people often used to describe me.  Well I dug deep and I realized if I wasn't afraid I would get divorced.  Hmmm....we see how that played out don't we.  Fear my ass I will do whatever it takes!  Well, when my friend prompted me to this again I felt fear in my gut.  Damn it....not again!  I now know that I am afraid of things, that I have let fear dictate my life over and over again.  Sigh.  Okay I relented and decided to give it a whirl again.  Here is what I discovered.

First I thought, if I wasn't afraid I would buy a house.  On my own.  Well, that wasn't too painful.  Hey, I even went looking at models this week and got a little excited.  I threw it out to the Universe and if it's meant to be it will all come together.  HA!  Take that fear. Me 1 Fear 0.   Not so fast missy.  You know damn well that's a minor thing and you can handle stuff like that easily, look at how you bought your first car.  Let's dig deeper!  FINE!  (arms crossed, foot stomping)  

Last night there was a meeting for a group that I joined months and months ago.  Every week the reminder would pop up and I would find an excuse not to go.   I RSVPd yes and then yesterday I was like, eh, I don't wanta go.  I don't want to leave the kids, Danny has a game blah blah blah.  Finally, I talked to my oldest son and was like, I don't know anyone, I don't want to go, I'm ---gulp---afraid.  WHAT?!  ME?!  Dammit!  He said, Ma, just go!  You hardly ever do anything for yourself, just go!....sooooo I did!  And I am so happy that I faced that fear!  I met a group of amazing, like minded people, the likes of whom I've only met through my Chat With your Angels page, never face to face.   I felt like I was home!  These people got me!  They helped me so much just by sharing their experiences it was wonderful!  Then, when the meeting was over I said goodbye and prepared to leave.  5 different people stopped me to chat and exchange business cards and 1 just looked me in the eye and told me that I was an awesome person and had an amazing soul.  Wow!  I was so blown away, it was something that touched me in such a deep way.  There was no hoopla, no hidden agenda just a quiet matter of fact statement. Thank you seemed so weak in return.  I realized that all this time, although to the rest of the world it seems I am fearless in being me, one of my biggest fears is being true to myself!  I've put everyone else's needs before my own for so long I was afraid to be ME.  I've been criticized by so many people for speaking my mind that somewhere along the way I lost me. I was made to feel selfish and like a bitch for not always letting other people walk all over me. I left there last night with an eagerness to return next week.  

Today I was in meditation and I got such clarity as to what I want in this lifetime.  I now know that I am not going to change what I want to suit anyone else, ever again.  Not to sound rigid, of course compromise is the key to any relationship in life but from this moment forward I'm not making any more excuses for being who I am.  I'm passionate, and obsessive at times, I love with all my heart and soul and I want the same in return.  I'm a chatterbox, words are my food for the soul....I want that, I need that.  I won't settle for anything less ever again.  I want to surround myself with people who "get" me.  Who don't make me change my ways or make me feel like there is something wrong with me for feeling the way I do.  I have been alone, faced a fear that I always had.  I am ready to share my life with someone who wants the same things that I do.  I am ready to be with someone who compliments my soul and doesn't try to change it.  I want fun and easy and joyful. I want someone who would move heaven and earth for me, because that's what I would do for them.  And I'm no longer afraid to let go of the things that have been holding me back from getting that anymore.   Take that fear...