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Thursday, April 2, 2015

If I wasn't afraid I would.....

Last week my friend challenged me to a writing assignment....If I wasn't afraid I would
________.   Oddly, that was the prompt that led me on my path of self discovery in 2008.  I laughed when I read it back then because I didn't think I was afraid of anything!  Brave was a word people often used to describe me.  Well I dug deep and I realized if I wasn't afraid I would get divorced.  Hmmm....we see how that played out don't we.  Fear my ass I will do whatever it takes!  Well, when my friend prompted me to this again I felt fear in my gut.  Damn it....not again!  I now know that I am afraid of things, that I have let fear dictate my life over and over again.  Sigh.  Okay I relented and decided to give it a whirl again.  Here is what I discovered.

First I thought, if I wasn't afraid I would buy a house.  On my own.  Well, that wasn't too painful.  Hey, I even went looking at models this week and got a little excited.  I threw it out to the Universe and if it's meant to be it will all come together.  HA!  Take that fear. Me 1 Fear 0.   Not so fast missy.  You know damn well that's a minor thing and you can handle stuff like that easily, look at how you bought your first car.  Let's dig deeper!  FINE!  (arms crossed, foot stomping)  

Last night there was a meeting for a group that I joined months and months ago.  Every week the reminder would pop up and I would find an excuse not to go.   I RSVPd yes and then yesterday I was like, eh, I don't wanta go.  I don't want to leave the kids, Danny has a game blah blah blah.  Finally, I talked to my oldest son and was like, I don't know anyone, I don't want to go, I'm ---gulp---afraid.  WHAT?!  ME?!  Dammit!  He said, Ma, just go!  You hardly ever do anything for yourself, just go!....sooooo I did!  And I am so happy that I faced that fear!  I met a group of amazing, like minded people, the likes of whom I've only met through my Chat With your Angels page, never face to face.   I felt like I was home!  These people got me!  They helped me so much just by sharing their experiences it was wonderful!  Then, when the meeting was over I said goodbye and prepared to leave.  5 different people stopped me to chat and exchange business cards and 1 just looked me in the eye and told me that I was an awesome person and had an amazing soul.  Wow!  I was so blown away, it was something that touched me in such a deep way.  There was no hoopla, no hidden agenda just a quiet matter of fact statement. Thank you seemed so weak in return.  I realized that all this time, although to the rest of the world it seems I am fearless in being me, one of my biggest fears is being true to myself!  I've put everyone else's needs before my own for so long I was afraid to be ME.  I've been criticized by so many people for speaking my mind that somewhere along the way I lost me. I was made to feel selfish and like a bitch for not always letting other people walk all over me. I left there last night with an eagerness to return next week.  

Today I was in meditation and I got such clarity as to what I want in this lifetime.  I now know that I am not going to change what I want to suit anyone else, ever again.  Not to sound rigid, of course compromise is the key to any relationship in life but from this moment forward I'm not making any more excuses for being who I am.  I'm passionate, and obsessive at times, I love with all my heart and soul and I want the same in return.  I'm a chatterbox, words are my food for the soul....I want that, I need that.  I won't settle for anything less ever again.  I want to surround myself with people who "get" me.  Who don't make me change my ways or make me feel like there is something wrong with me for feeling the way I do.  I have been alone, faced a fear that I always had.  I am ready to share my life with someone who wants the same things that I do.  I am ready to be with someone who compliments my soul and doesn't try to change it.  I want fun and easy and joyful. I want someone who would move heaven and earth for me, because that's what I would do for them.  And I'm no longer afraid to let go of the things that have been holding me back from getting that anymore.   Take that fear...
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