During a meeting last week it came up that our childhood is the reason for all of our issues. Hmmm, as a mother that made me feel really good (insert sarcastic smirk). Everyone agreed and someone handed out a paper with an exercise on it about figuring out what dysfunctional "love" signs from your childhood was carried over to your adulthood. I took the paper without intending to complete the task. I really had a very happy childhood. Do I have issues, ummm duh. But so many people had abusive parents, screaming fights, alcoholism, blatant neglect, lack of food, etc., my issues were tiny and "normal". Basically I felt unimportant and that no one could possibly love me for me. Not sure where that came from because my childhood home was safe and loving. I guess I am different then most people in my family---my intuitive gifts, my way of looking at the world, so I guess that's why I felt different and unworthy. Whatever, suck it up and get over it---it could have been sooooo much worse!
Anyway, I decided to take a sea salt bath last week and go into a meditation to give me clarity in my life. I'm feeling like great changes need to happen and I'm uncertain as to what my next steps are. So, I start this meditation and it's all visualization (which I suck at, just saying) so I didn't expect much. They have you go down this tunnel and ask what's on the walls? (ummm, nothing. I can't visualize) and then there are rooms to either side of the tunnel---what's in there? (ummm, nothing....I can't imagine anything). Last but not least he said there would be rooms that only I would know what was in there---holy shitaki mushrooms I SAW stuff! In this room was my doll carriage that I cherished as a little girl. I still remember the Christmas when I got it, it was the best Christmas I can remember I was 5 almost 6. My brother later took the wheels off that carriage to make a go cart and my mom threw the carriage out so I wouldn't know. I was devastated. Then there was a little red school house that came with dolls. I remember asking my mom where it was and she told me she threw it out because I never played with it. I was crushed. There was a monkey that my cousin Chris had given me that skated and was just the most perfect thing ever. Well, I guess we never got it to work, or got batteries and again, you guessed it.....I went to look for it and it was gone. Ok, here's a pattern---material things were very important to me in childhood. That was a way my family showed love. It still is in a lot of ways. Then, all the jewelry I had gotten over the years from my boyfriends. I saw the ring I had thrown at my ex boyfriend in a fit of anger and lost. Then my next boyfriend - he showered me with expensive jewelry all the time. But I was never quite satisfied. I was always disappointed and could never figure out why. I thought I was a spoiled brat and that was why. Then my ex husband - he was never one for gifts of the heart he was always one who was more practical. The only jewelry he ever bought me I picked out, so of course I loved it, but I was missing something. It never made me feel the joy that I thought it was supposed to bring me. I have always been disappointed by gifts and items that people have given me. I now realized my dysfunctional love language. My whole life I thought things were how you show love----I've realized that that is NOT what speaks to my heart. It's not things at all. No wonder I had never had a truly happy relationship. My heart was like NO, this is NOT what I need. Material things mean nothing to me.
In 2011 I made a list of what I wanted in a man. Not one of the things on there mentioned that he buys me things. Ok, one of them was that he sends me flowers, but that's just because I love flowers and it's always nice to be surprised that someone thinks of you :) but the rest of it was about how I felt when I was with him, qualities that he would have - his character. That should have clued me in that material items weren't my love language. The fact that my children's unconditional love used to make me feel whole and complete should have tipped me off too. But hey, we learn our lessons when we are supposed to learn them right?
Just today I had two conversations about this same topic with two different friends. I love that when I learn a new coping mechanism, one that truly helps find out what your soul needs I get to help others discover the same. Now I challenge you to do the same. Either follow the written task or the meditation, if you are inclined.
1. Write down every negative association you have with your childhood home life - how did you feel negatively about your parents or how you felt in your childhood home, your siblings and your caregivers.
2. Write down your past lovers and their negative qualities and how you felt around them. Negative things that happened when with them.
3. Then, circle any words that are repeated - this is your subconscious definition of love.
4. Write a personal want ad. For your subconscious using those negative qualities. Doing this will bring more awareness to the vibration we are putting out in the universe and attracting to us. This should make us laugh about ourselves and begin our healing process.