So if this is the last night and you're feeling hollow I'll give you my half life so you'll see tomorrow

 I was planning to write a blog about manipulation. And how I’m very naive to it when I love someone.  But wait I need to start at the beginning. 

I’m not easily manipulated…I can usually smell bullshit from a mile away.  I am a pretty good judge of character and am not easily swayed or pressured into doing anything I don’t want to do (which took decades but that’s another story).  I was going to say that I’m not easily manipulated unless I love you.  Then? I’m like a doe eyed deer who has such faith in you that I can’t believe you would ever purposefully do anything to manipulate me.  Why? Because I love you (duh!) and I don’t give my love to just any random human.  Unless you share my dna- then you get a free pass and I love you because you’re my family.  That as well has changed over time.  I remember my daddy saying “I love (fill in the blank) because they’re my (fill in the blank) but I don’t like them.  Bam!   That stuck with me for sure.  However, putting it into practice and differentiating the two took a long time (I’m slow when it comes to matters of the heart).  

Now I have been manipulated by people I love many times.  My daughter will say “Ma you do what you think is best but I just don’t want you to be manipulated because you feel guilty”. How did she get so wise?  But when I looked at the actual definition of manipulation today (the action of influencing or controlling someone or something to your advantage, often without anyone knowing it) I realized that perhaps it’s NOT manipulation but an issue with the way I handle love.  It’s not necessarily that someone is manipulating me—-it’s that when I love someone I want to do everything in my power to make their lives better.  If they’re unhappy and I can do something to ease that—I want to!!!  Because I love them.  That’s not their fault it’s my issue-right?  They’re not asking me to love them this way-in fact maybe it’s irritating to them who knows.  

Some Wednesday wisdom huh?  I started out trying to advise people against being manipulated by people they love when in fact I just realized I’m not being manipulated—I just love too intensely.  So what do I do?  Stay tuned because that’s something I’m going to have to figure out—-it will be another day in the life. 

Unbreak my heart----bring back the joy to my life

 If any of you have google photos you will know that every once in a while it makes a collage of pictures for you with a nifty little title.  I usually love that.  Today, however I looked at them and I realized.....I am not the same person I was in 2013.  I read energy in photos.  I read eyes.  Well my eyes do not have the same sparkle they did in the beginning of 2013.  Something happened at the end of 2013 that changed me.  I realize now I believe it broke my soul.  I have not been the same since.  I sent a message to my creme filling son stating this and he agreed.  It changed me.  I lost a part of myself.  I want to get her back.  I have been working SO hard to get her back for the last 8 years.  I know part of her needed to change and fall away.  The codependent part.  The possessive part, the combative part.  I don't miss her AT all.  Good riddance.  But the part of her that found such JOY in life---the one who didn't expect people to hurt her, didn't accept it as part of life---where the hell did she go?  Is she ever coming back?  I don't think so.  And that makes me sad.  She was fun.  She did not hold back on loving people.  She was shocked and hurt and genuinely disappointed when someone treated her poorly and hurt her heart instead of expecting it.  

I always thought I became this way because of disappointment in romantic relationships.  I always seem to choose emotionally unavailable people.  I have come to realize that was because I thought if only I could prove my love enough they would need me the way I needed them.  It was a personality flaw in myself.  But the person that hurt me in this way was not a romantic partner.  I think that is why I was so shocked by this revelation today.  It also wasn't one of my parents--nope can't blame childhood trauma.  But this revelation today opens a whole new chapter in my healing journey.  I probably journaled 20 pages in the last few days.  

I had to take an emergency trip over the weekend and my reaction to everything was so detached.  I was crying on the way home thinking---what is WRONG with me?  Why am I so cold?  So calm?  So---unemotional?  My daughter - who is brilliant and truly an incredible human being - explained it how she sees it.  I no longer allow people to have a part of me just because of DNA or past relationships.  I treat people as they treat me and I don't let people have that part of me that is reserved for those that treat me properly.  Ok.  That makes sense, but I don't like being so detached.  However, as I write this I am crying---so it's there, the emotion.  I am not made of stone.  I just can't allow myself to get hurt the way I used to.  And that all started in 2013.  I was emotionally destroyed by someone I loved more than I thought I could love a person, someone I trusted to never hurt me.  And I was unprepared. So unprepared.  And  it happened again nearly every year since. It happened again in August.  And I haven't even shed a tear.  It is like I expected it.  I did not get angry.  I did not get upset. I just shrugged and said "It is what it is.  I did nothing wrong and this is not my fault."   Ahhhh, that's the difference!  In the past I blamed myself.  Beat myself up over and over again.  Changed the behavior.  Changed ME.  But guess what?  I am no longer taking blame when I did not cause a situation.  And not that I needed confirmation, but I have received confirmation from people close to the situation that this is not my fault.  But whether or not I have allowed it to destroy me again, it did enough damage the first time, obviously.  So what do I do?  Can I ever get that person I was back?  Do I want to?

For me....it is safer being this person.  I have allowed several people to destroy me since 2013.  Several times.  I always forgive, but I am not sure I can fully allow myself to FEEL the things I used to.  I still love, but it is guarded.  It is like I am always expecting them to hurt me or let me down and when they do I just accept it.  It's like I just don't care anymore about things that I used to.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.  It is not fair to anyone who comes into my life.

Two weeks ago I got some life changing news.  I am still processing it and I truly could not function for a good part of a week.  Then, last week I met my cousins from Las Vegas at the beach.  I had a blissful, joyful day.  We floated in the water, had lunch, just shared life and enjoyed each other's company.  I told my daughter on the way home, THIS.... TODAY is what I want in my life.  Easy conversations, people who GET me without me having to defend myself.   I drove 6 hours to spend 7 hours with them.  It was worth every second in the car.  I know the more time like that I spend the more I will get back to who I want to be.  But I also know that it requires me to either remove people from my life permanently or to keep them at arms length.  What concerns me the most is the lack of emotion that I feel even about the good stuff.  I guess it's because I know that the good stuff doesn't last, so why get excited about it.  It is just a matter of time before it disappears and you never know if and when it will come back.  And if it does, for how long?  

I have found a way to live in the moment.  I appreciate every single day and I realize that everything happens for a reason---even this situation and discovery today.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Welcome 2020

Here we are again....the end of the year, but this year it's the end of a decade!  My memory is fuzzy but this decade was jam packed for sure.  I started it with my oldest being 16 and ended it with my youngest being 16.  I got divorced, moved 3 times (once across the country), I discovered my connection to my angels and the spiritual realm, I went from being a stay at home mom to working for 2 different companies full time...those are just the basics.  I don't even recognize the woman I was 10 years ago...hell I don't recognize the woman I was 12 short months ago.  I began this year with so much hope and conviction of what would transpire during this year.  I am ending it with the knowledge that I don't know anything and that sometimes life is just what it is and you have to accept it.    In this decade there have been communions, confirmations, surgeries, engagements, graduations - high school and college, weddings, deaths and births, beginnings and endings, more than I can count.  My heart has been overflowing and it's been broken.  Has it been different than past decades?  I think so.  I think the events that transpired were harder than ever before.  I've become numb to things that would have destroyed me in the past.  I don't feel things as deeply as I have in the past---is that age?  Maybe.  But I think it is more about disappointment breaking down the ability to feel as deeply.  The fear of feeling utter joy and bliss because the pain of it being taken away is too devastating than never feeling that joy and bliss in the first place.  I am ending this decade in a place of acceptance.  Accepting life as it is and not expecting anything but what is.  If something good comes then I'm pleasantly surprised, if something bad happens I'm not shocked.  I know that it is all in God's hands at the end of the day and in His time.  That brings peace.  Joy is something I've traded for peace I suppose.  I'm not going to lie, I miss joy.  Even when I am at my happiest I am unable to feel joy.  I'm making that my mission in this next decade---to not let the fear of it being taken away to stop me from feeling joy.  Or maybe contentment is what you feel as you get older.  I look around and I see people just existing and I never wanted to be that person.  I never wanted to just allow life to pass by without truly embracing the wonderful moments.

Thanksgiving was a great day.  We enjoyed dinner and then went to Disney  World.  I had my kids all with me, everyone was getting along-  but I just didn't feel fully happy. I was standing in the kitchen looking at my family gathered around the table together, laughing and that woman who started the decade would have been bursting with joy.  My daughter turned 16 this month.  My sister flew in to surprise her and it was really a wonderful weekend.  I looked around the table when we were all laughing and truly enjoying being together, yet joy wouldn't come.  That's when I realized something was wrong.  That's when I realized that this decade really did kick my ass.  I vowed that I was going to change that.  I was going to find out how to get that joy back.  In fact, I decided I'm going to write a book about this very thing.  This can't be all there is---just existence. I don't want to believe it.  Yet that is where I'm at.

Well I took a break in writing this and this past weekend brought a situation back that has broken my heart in the past more than once.  I handled it like a robot.  I had absolutely no emotion.  I just went through the motions and stoically handled  it.  I called my sister to inform her of the situation and told her how I just didn't care anymore, that it didn't matter.  After a lengthy conversation she convinced me that I was blocking any feeling because I just could not allow it again.  I couldn't allow myself to feel the pain anymore. Shit.  As usual, she knows me pretty damn well and confirmed my earlier suspicions .  I went about my day and I slowly found myself remembering things that made me feel differently.  She was right.  I have blocked things that make me feel the pain and heartbreak of certain situations.  I have stopped hoping for better things on the horizon, I've stopped thinking that happy endings are guaranteed.  I am still a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and that God's plan is always unfolding, however I've given up thinking things will get better.  I do believe that whatever comes I will have the strength to deal with it.

I suppose what I need to decide as I enter this next decade is if being numb is better than feeling the good and the bad and all the emotions in between.  In this decade I have felt the happiest I had in my entire life and the most broken and sad as well.   I know I've written about this before and back then I decided that being numb was not the answer, because I would rather 5 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special (Thank you Shelby/Steel Magnolias).  I think I'd like to change my answer.  I'll take numb for $500 Alex.  I guess what the last decade has taught me is how to deal with everything life throws at me without getting wrapped around the axle about it.  I just treat it all like it's just a day in the life, because, after all----that's what it is.

Love is a many painful thing.....

There is a reason that they use words like heartbreak, crush and heartache.  Because a broken heart hurts more than anything else in the world.  It's a pain that can't be described and only time will heal it.  There isn't a magic pill to take or bandage to use, it's just time.  Which is devastating in itself.  When we give our heart to another person it's a risk.  We hope and pray that they will treat it with kindness and respect and the TLC that we need, unfortunately that is rarely the case.  That's why we get our hearts broken.

When two people come into a relationship they are each damaged to a certain degree.  They each have their own baggage.  They do and say things that hurt the other person.  They each have their own agenda and somehow, someway they have to try to figure out how to compromise and have both people be happy and fulfilled.  I think World Peace would be easier.  I've given a lot of thought to and observed a lot of people recently and it just seems that in every committed relationship each person just seems unhappy.  The men think the woman are nags, overly sensitive, never satisfied and critical (all true).  The women think the men are selfish, take them for granted, are unromantic and don't help enough (again, all true).  How did they all go from being so happy and loving and giving at the beginning of their relationships to this?  It's that pesky word called EXPECTATIONS.  Once people get involved romantically they begin to expect things.  We each rely on someone else to fulfill our happiness.  In actuality, we can't ever truly be happy with someone else unless we are happy with ourselves.We are so busy avoiding the problems within ourselves that we are focused on pointing out the problems with someone else.  And that's when the downward spiral begins.  One person brings up a "flaw" in the other person (aka you're not meeting my needs) so the other person, not to be undone, returns the favor.  And the rest, is relationship disaster.

I still remember my first heartbreak.  I thought I was going to die.  I remember leaving the dinner table and throwing up in the bathroom because my stomach was in knots.  There was no texting then, no email, no call waiting, no caller ID, no cell phones....just the house phone that was usually located in the kitchen.  I remember sitting in the hallway with my feet up on the wall talking to my boyfriends for hours.  I also remember waiting for that phone call that one day just didn't come.  The heartbreak and devastation I felt was like a knife in my heart.  It never occurred to me that the boys were feeling the same things at times.  I'm very fortunate that my boys share their feelings and relationship situations with me.  The information and insight I've gotten from them really would have come in handy when I was their ages.  They feel just as deeply as I used to.  I always thought men didn't care, turns out I was wrong.  Their heartbreak is just as bad and deep.  And watching it as a parent is equal to or worse than experiencing the heartbreak yourself!  You just want to make it go away and you can't.  If you're like me you want to confront the person hurting your child and give them a good swift kick in the ass!  You want to explain to them that it's all going to be ok and it won't hurt forever....but that won't help either, they need to learn it themselves, unfortunately.

At some point, if you've been hurt enough you eventually stop feeling as deeply.  Sad, but true.  Eventually you might build a wall around your heart so big and so strong that it seems no one can break through...but then, if you are lucky, you will meet that certain person who will love you enough to climb over the wall and set you free from it, and you will finally realize why it never worked with anyone else.