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Thursday, May 19, 2016

Here, There and Everywhere

I've spent most of my life being disappointed in relationships.  All relationships, not just romantic ones, but mostly romantic ones.  As I've mentioned before I was always told I was expecting too much.  I wanted the movie/book/soap opera love story.  No man would ever be able to live up to what I wanted them to be.  I believed them.  I lowered my expectations, but my heart and soul still ached.  I wanted to be understood.  I wanted someone who would be like me!  I gave all I had to all relationships in my life, and I didn't expect it back.  However, when I started to feel taken advantage of, taken for granted and just well mistreated I would move on from those relationships after giving everything that I could have and I never looked back.  Some people (friendship/family relationships) came back at a later date.  Even a few romantic relationships from the past have resurfaced as friendships.  I don't ever initiate those reconciliations, but I do forgive people and believe that everyone deserves a second chance, sometimes a third.  But I've never been completely fulfilled in a relationship in my life, there was always this whole inside of me....I assumed it was my high expectations.

A few years ago I learned about the Law of Attraction and manifesting and how you can bring certain things to your life just by believing they are already there and by becoming the type of person that would attract these things.  I made lists, stating what I wanted in a partner.  Some would read the list and think, wow, she's nuts.  There is no human being on earth that fits all those things.  That's not REAL.  But it's what I wanted.  What I NEEDED.  What my soul craved.  Today, I found two different notebooks with two different lists in them.  One was from 2014 and one I was 6 months later in 2015.  I fell in love in 2015.  I mean real, honest to goodness movie/book/fairy tale love.  Love like I have never experienced before.  It shook my core.  I tried to fight it.  I was scared to death.  It was too good to be true.  It was as easy as.....breathing!  This man was everything I had ever hoped for and more.  Things I never even knew I needed....he provides.  Bliss.  Sheer and utter bliss.  Every single day.  How did this happen?  How am I so lucky?  He insists it doesn't matter why or how....it just IS.

We are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together so perfectly, so easily....it's like nothing I've ever experienced before with anyone in my life.  I can be totally and completely myself and he adores me anyway...or maybe because of it.  Today I was weepy and wishy washy.  I tried my best to hide it.  There's a lot going on right now and the last thing he needed was to deal with that!  He knew...he asked....I told...he listened.  I mean REALLY listened (as always) and he just knew exactly what I needed to make me feel better.  He always does.  This man loves me in a way that I've waited for my whole life.  He makes me feel treasured, and adored and important and loved every minute of the day.  Even when my mind pushes that aside and tries to convince me that he couldn't possibly feel the way about me that I feel about him, he quiets my fears and doubts without judgment.  He does it with love and compassion, every SINGLE time, no matter how exhausted he is or how stupid my fears are, he reassures me.  He never gets tired of it.  He just knows.  I am truly, by far, the luckiest woman alive.  Everyone sees the difference in me.  My kids have a mom who is happy all the time, they know why.  My friends see it, they are thrilled for me.

I wake up every morning with an excitement that I never thought was possible.  I get to spend my life loving this man.  This man who defies all odds and is everything I've ever wanted.  He is kind, and gentle yet tough and strong.  He is loving and sweet, yet masculine and rugged.  He's BRILLIANT yet never ever makes me feel less than or ignorant for asking questions or doing things the hard way, when he could definitely give me an easier way to do it.  He seems to think it's cute that I have these quirks.  I never have to remind him of things I've told him before, he remembers, because if it's important to me then it's important to him.  He never plays the blame game, he never compares things that I do versus things that he does.  It is the most freeing feeling in the world to find a soul that you connect with on EVERY level....it is my mission in life to make this man feel loved and adored and appreciated and treasured every day of his life, because he deserves nothing less.  He is the answer to my prayers, my prince charming, my heart.....and my home.  Wherever he is....that will always be home to me.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mother's Day.....not just a day in the life

Mother's day.....as a child I remember it was a day that my dad bought my mom flowers to plant.  Mums, azaleas, tulips....those kind of plants.  Then they spent the day planting them.  Uneventful in my memory.  Then one year my dad surprised my mom with a new car.  That one went down in the record books.  He pulled into the driveway with a HUGE red bow on top of it.  My mom was so excited she wasn't even angry that she had to come outside in her robe and curlers.  No one EVER saw my mom that way.  One year my brother and sister and I had portraits taken to surprise her for mother's day.  You see a pattern here?  I never really took initiative in mother's day celebrations for my mom.  My dad and sister did it most of the time and I went along for the ride.  My parents moved when I was 20 so I didn't spend mother's day with my mom a lot over the years so it really didn't matter much to me, to be honest.  And then I became a mom.

My first mother's day went down in the history books as a horrific day.  I was in tears, it was spent doing something I despised doing and I was still postpartum and completely sleep deprived. All I EVER wanted to do for mother's day was to get deli egg sandwiches and go to the beach.  Every year it either rained or we had other commitments. I usually felt disappointed on days like Mother's day or my birthday.  I always felt let down, like I was supposed to feel something I never did.  I'm not about material things so it wasn't about presents.  I don't know.  I was always told that I expected too much from people.  I have been told that the world revolves around me and the sun rises and sets on me--I'm assuming they meant in my mind.  Couldn't be further from the truth.  And I have realized that I don't expect too much because now....at this time in my life....I am receiving more from the people I love than I could ever imagine.  And I have't lowered my expectations at all.

I was going to write this blog about the fact that I miss my mom and I feel weird not buying any mom or grandma cards again this year.  But after this morning my focus changed from lack to abundance.  I am so lucky and I am so happy and fulfilled today I can't write about the sadness.  Instead, I'm taking the good things from my relationship with my mother and duplicating it with my daughter.  I'm sharing things with her that my mom and I enjoyed.  It's better than last mother's day when I was so sad I couldn't function.

First of all the man in my life brings me more joy and appreciation and love than I could have ever hoped for.  I wish with all my heart that we had found...well connected in this way many many years ago, but this was the way it was intended apparently.  I'm so grateful that he gives me every thing I've ever wanted, loves me completely and totally for who I am and not who he wishes I was.  I am (for the first time in my life) completely and totally able to be myself and I never have to worry about any repercussions of that.  Every day of my life feels like a holiday, complete with the anticipation of what comes next and the excitement of what each day will hold.  How lucky am I????  His presence alone in my life makes today and every day beyond perfect.  I feel adored and treasured every single day and that is something I never thought I'd feel.

As if that isn't enough I have 3 incredible kids!  More and more I have people telling me how lucky I am to have this bond with my children.  I know it.  I woke up this morning to a card from my oldest with money and the threat of punishment if I did any "mom things" today.  He said he was taking care of dinner.  That is something I've ALWAYS wanted on mother's day.  Someone to let me know that I didn't have to DO anything I didn't want to.

I missed my youngest son before work today, but I found a note from him next to my head when I woke up. He, out of all my kids, tells me more than anyone every day how much I mean to him.  He makes sure we have time together one on one all the time.  He's always celebrating mother's day.  I got a text and I already told you about his amazing gift to me.....so thoughtful.

And my daughter...oh my daughter!  She arranged the best gift I've ever received in my life!  She and her brothers wrote 51 things they love about me.  I spent a delicious amount of time savoring each one and relishing their individual personalities in their notes.  The fact that they appreciate me without anyone teaching them how to blows me away!  They remember things that I don't and it makes me so happy that they do.  I wish I could share every one here....but I will respect their privacy.  I've attached pictures of a few. She was SO excited because she made me cry on Mother's day.  Apparently my kids are a bit competitive when it comes to who can melt my heart. She's so used to her brother's doing it, it's her turn now.  I will treasure this gift for the rest of my life.  My daughter also made me a few paintings that were just BEYOND perfect....her thoughtfulness shows me that I'm doing a good job raising the type of woman I want her to be!

I feel treasured by my kids today.  I'm not going to lie, I'm blown away by how special they made me feel.  I know they appreciate me.  They are always telling me that.  But today?  Their thoughtfulness is beyond my wildest dreams.  I feel so happy and at peace it's beyond incredible.  Maybe I AM doing ok with this motherhood thing.  Perhaps this next phase of my life will be filled with every holiday being like this.  I'm so excited and so blessed I'm overflowing with hope and happiness and just pure love.  It's more than just a day in the life......








Wednesday, May 4, 2016

From Barbie dolls to Make Up.....my beautiful baby girl

My daughter.  Oh my daughter.  How I love that little girl.  She's 12 now.  So grown up, so put together, so what I wish I had been at 12 years old.  I do something I rarely do as a mom....I take credit for that!  I treated her the way I wish I had been treated.  Things I longed for as a child I gave her.  I gave her the wisdom of my years and I'm lucky that she listened!  She still trusts my judgment, for now.  She still thinks I'm a pro at relationship advice (because I've had so many bad ones and am now in one that she considers "#relationshipgoals, she cracks me up!)  Every single day I look at her with an adoration that I don't think she's aware of.  I look up to her in so many ways and every day she amazes me more and more!

Being the youngest and having 2 older brothers who were home schooled, I'm afraid she didn't get the attention I feel she should have had when she was younger.  Well, she got plenty of attention, I just don't feel she got enough from me.  She is the only one of my children that I wish I could have a do over with.  Why, you may ask, since I've just stated that she's pretty much perfect in every way?  Because she was that way from birth.  Never trouble, never cranky or whiny unless she was sick obviously.  She was so much FUN!  And I want to do it again, and relish every single moment as if she was my first and only child.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But she's my only daughter.  I spent years with trucks and power rangers and army guys and more power rangers and wrestlers.  I want to spend more time with painting and Barbie dolls and dress up and princesses. I didn't get enough of that.

This morning as I was dropping her off at school she made this quick witted joke that most people would have missed.  I didn't.  I can't explain it and make it as funny as she did, but I lost it!  I was laughing so hard I could barely see.  When did she get so funny?  When did she become so creative and quick and smart?  My youngest son gave me the most AMAZING mother's day gift the other night (he's just like me---can't wait and hates surprises) and I was blown away.  I told him that his sister had a gift for me in her room and I was shocked.  He said she had this great idea that she squashed and came up with another one.  But the idea she squashed was so amazing to me and I was stunned that she thought of it all on her own.  She wanted her brother to write 22 things he loved about me (he's 22) her other brother to write 17 things he loved about me (he's 17, see the pattern) and she was going to write 12 things....and together they added up to 51 which is how old I am!  Wow.....

Yesterday I was packing up the last of her childhood toys.  We sold all the barbies and make believe stuff back at Christmas time.  She was ready to ditch it all.  I wasn't.  I held onto the things that meant the most to me, due to the memories of her playing with them.  And the memories of me stepping on them while walking through the house.  As I packed them away for my future granddaughters I felt this overwhelming sadness that I normally don't feel as my kids grow out of phases.  I think because with my baby girl it happened so fast.  One day she was playing with her American girl dolls and literally the next day it was over and she was doing DIY's on Pinterest and YouTube.  She went from wearing her contacts one or two days a week to wearing makeup daily.  She gets up early now to do her hair in different styles.  I love this new stage, because she's SO good at it all and it means I'm off the hook of attempting to follow a teenager on you tube show me how to do a funky braid!  But I also miss being the one to take care of her.  It's so early!  My boys still wanted me to take care of them in so many ways until they were adult age.  Why is my daughter so self sufficient?  Aside from the fact that girls are different in that way, I think (again, out of my comfort zone) it's because she has me as a role model.  She's watched me do everything for everyone since she was born.  She's a strong young lady.  No whimpering, no whining, no I can't for her...no way in hell!  She's going to take the world by storm and she'll do it with a smile on her face! I love her with a fierceness that I can't describe.  People constantly say she's a mini me.  My love calls her Tiny T.  This means the world to me.  She is my legacy.  She will carry on my traditions when I can't anymore.  She is my little girl and I am eternally grateful that I am her mommy.