Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

What am I waiting for?

I've changed so much in the last 10 years I barely recognize myself sometimes.  A lot of the changes were gradual, but in the last year they have been rapid.  Most of the changes are easy to handle---I'm calmer, I don't yell like I used to, I maintain a positive outlook about most things, I've become financially mature and don't buy frivolous items anymore hoping to fix the sadness I used to feel.  These are all good things and happy changes.  Some of my changes have been more uncomfortable and harder for those around me to accept. I no longer feel guilty when I have to say no to someone (ok, to my kids yes--but I'm working on that).  I don't feel that I have to justify my responses anymore or go into detail when I decline someones offer or suggestion.  These are difficult changes for me but they are necessary and I am happier having done them.

I've been told that I'm my own worst enemy.  I hold myself back from so much, and it's true!  While trying to practice the Law of Attraction and manifest certain situations in my life I believe I was too focused on them and therefore kept them away.  Or maybe what I wanted wasn't in the cards for me---maybe God didn't plan for me to have it.  Maybe it was just a learning experience, something to teach me something about myself.  Well, it certainly did that.  I've been working on letting go, releasing what no longer serves me and finding my higher purpose.  However, that being said, the last week I have been consumed with helping my parents and trying to get answers from my mother's doctors and taking her to appointments etc. While sitting in the waiting rooms of these offices, surrounded by people battling cancer I retreated.  I tried to hide my head in the sand and pretend my family wasn't facing this situation again.  I was almost successful.

Today, I got the first copy of my book.  When I held it in my hand something changed inside of me.  As I flipped through the pages and wept with Danny and felt this exhilaration inside of me---it changed.  I realized I was doing it all wrong!  People were fighting for their lives every day, every minute and I was waiting to start mine.  What was I waiting for?  Danny made a comment last week about people who smoke or drink or just waste their lives and how it is like spitting in his face after he fought so hard to live.  I agreed.  It never occurred to me that by doing nothing but waiting in my life I was doing the same damn thing!

There is a man on the same radiation schedule as my mom.  All week he has come in with a big smile on his face and a cheery good morning on his lips.  He leaves with a big wave to everyone waiting and warm wishes for a great day.  He knows.  He knows that life is precious.  He knows that tomorrow isn't promised.  I can guarantee you he isn't wasting a moment waiting for something that may never happen.  The last 5 years I have been waiting to publish that book.  I kept saying, "well once the book is done"  or "I need to work on the book" and put off so much in the meantime.  There was a time that I was so happy I couldn't bring myself to write the book--it took a lot out of me to relive that time in my life.  Then I was so focused on certain situations that I couldn't bring myself to focus on the book.  Well, it's finally finished and I had such a sense of accomplishment holding it in my hands!  And then I knew!  I can't wait anymore for anything to happen, I need to move forward and live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. I can't waste another day waiting for the happily ever after---today is the happily ever after and I'm creating it minute by minute.  I've spent too much time waiting---when I was younger it was when I get married.  Then it was when I have a baby.  Then, when I have a house......the list goes on.  There is always something that we will be longing for, something that we wish we had---don't stop living your life in the meantime.  The people who are in your life are there for a reason and those who don't want to be aren't meant to be and there are new people just waiting to burst into your world and fill it with sunshine----but in the meantime enjoy every moment!!!!