July was a wild month. I feel
like I lived 3 years in one month. The more things change the more they
stay the same. I haven't been following my usual morning routines of
journaling, devotionals and all the stuff that usually keeps me grounded.
I instead spent the mornings taking care of my body - red light therapy,
the gym - fighting aging and strengthening my body. But it cost me in
nurturing my soul. I must find a balance somehow and I am working on
it. Routines have never been my strong suit - I get distracted easily. So
today I started a devotional about Joy - my favorite word, my favorite emotion
- new month - let's go!
It asked about what it feels
like to be loved with an everlasting love and how I have felt knowing that God
loves me that way. Uh oh. Distraction. Going down the rabbit
hole of waiiittt a minute -I don't know that I know what it feels like to be
loved. I instantly went to how I feel when I love someone - that rush of
emotion, compassion, admiration, and just LOVE. But what does it feel
like when someone loves me? Hmmmm - I have no clue. I went back to
my parents, and I remember I always felt safe and secure - I knew nothing could
hurt me when I was with them. I knew they would take care of whatever I
needed. But did I FEEL loved? Maybe I am thinking feeling loved
means something else, but it doesn't? I remember a feeling of being loved
by the way someone looked at me - that I remember clear as day - but that fades
- or at least it did then. I started thinking about my siblings. I
recently had the chance to spend time, just the three of us, and it was truly
so good for my soul. There is something about being with my sister and
brother without anyone else around that just felt so safe. We have
memories that no one else shares. Did I feel loved? Not sure.
I felt happy and accepted.... but loved? 🤷 I know
they love me-but do I feel it? I think we've established I don't really
know what that feels like.
I was able to celebrate my
Godson's proposal to his beautiful, kind, loving fiancée. I felt the love
between them (it's magnetic!) and we celebrated on Kismet (so fitting) with her
family. There was so much love in the air that night. Strangers
became family and I felt a part of something I haven't in a long time.
Being around a group of people that I know were enjoying my company and
accepting me for who I am. Was that feeling loved? No clue, but it
felt amazing and it will go down in my memories of one of the best nights
ever. I felt a peace inside of me that I haven't felt in a long time on
that boat ride back. So, I am getting used to the difference between
happiness and joy so maybe I am on my way to distinguishing what it feels like
to be loved.
My sister and I had a deep
conversation and my tears started flowing and shit flew out of my mouth that I
didn't even know I was feeling. Maybe it was being around a group of
people that genuinely seemed to like me - I don't often feel that people
do. I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and purposelessness,
and it was awful. She said to me - I don't know many people who think as
deeply as you do (Ummmm sis I hate to tell you but you taught me how to do this
and now you jumped ship? Thanks ✌) Maybe she's
right. Maybe the way to be happier is to just take every day as it is and
not think about why I feel the way I feel just keep moving. Oh wait - I
DID that for most of my life, and it sucked. What I am doing is being
grateful every day. Even on the tough ones. There were a lot of
them in June and the beginning of July, but I think we're on an upswing.
And I am determined to remember the good in my life every day. And maybe
feeling loved is just feeling safe...and secure and like someone will have your
back no matter what. And maybe that looks different to me. Maybe I
expect too much. I crave the loyalty I give, the compassion I feel for
those I love, for people to choose me as a priority to want to spend time with
me - to get excited when they see me. Maybe that is why that trip to NY was so
amazing. I did feel that many times during my time there. Maybe
that's why I am realizing that it is missing now? Stupid devotional had
to make me think. Thinking is dangerous, especially now that my heart has
unfrozen a bit. Winter is coming.... I don't want it freeze up again or
worse yet get broken during the thaw. So, for now....I'll just live a day
in the life.
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