I can take myself dancing and I can hold my own hand

 You know that feeling when you know that your mere existence is pissing someone off?  What do you do in that situation?  Me?  I remove myself from the person and the situation.  I have spent decades blaming myself, analyzing my behavior and burying the pain and heartache that this causes.  I have adjusted my behavior, kept my opinions to myself and tried being supportive when sometimes all I wanted to do was say what I felt.  But that has gotten me into way too much trouble in the past, so I zip my lips.  I have spent most of my adult life giving all I had to the ones I love.  I know no other way.  But then, maybe the people I love don't love me the same way.  Maybe my existence is an irritant to them, and they wish I would just disappear.  Ok.  wish granted.  

In the past few months, I have been shown that there are people who actually want me in their life.  They want to spend time with me, come visit me, take trips with me - so I am allowing it.   I have decided that if there is someone that makes the effort to show me that they want to spend time with me than I am going to entertain that regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.  It's my time.  It is time for me to do what I want to do no matter how anyone else feels.

I realized that I ask very little, if anything, from the people I love, and many

of them give me pretty much just that.  My expectations and requests for myself have taught people that they can treat me like I am expendable.  Whose fault is that?  Mine I suppose, for thinking that people valued me the way I value them.  Most of my life my love language was words of affirmation.  And that's what it took to reel me in - words.  Well as the saying goes, talk is cheap!  Lately I have been shown that actions speak WAY louder than words and my new language is quality time and acts of service.  Not service in a way of doing things so I don't have to- it is looking at me and thinking - what can I do to ease any stress she has?  Without me asking - I do not ask because I don't NEED anyone to do things for me, but it is really nice when someone does something just because it might make me smile. Just because they were thinking about me. Just because sometimes I am carrying heavy things alone.  Just because sometimes I am quietly suffering and still do whatever I can to make someone else's day brighter.

I realized a long time ago that expectations are just disappointment waiting to happen, so I don't expect anything from anyone.  However, I am no longer available to meet other people's expectations (spoken or unspoken) without some type of reciprocity.  I have feelings and I am not someone who deserves to be treated like I am expendable and I will not accept that any longer.  I have people in my life who are showing me that I matter and that is where I am leaning towards.  And I am excited to see tomorrow is not just a day in the life!