You are so beautiful....to me

I've never been a dater.  I was always a relationship person.  I haven't had many relationships either.  That's just who I am.  When I fall in love it's serious to me.  I don't take it lightly.  I've also been lucky, I suppose, to always fall for men who were also relationship people.  I never had someone play with my heart purposely.  I guess that's saying a lot at almost 55 years old.  I have heard some truly horrible stories.

Being single is new to me.  I have always gone from one relationship to another.  Codependency was my middle name.  That's what this period of being single has been about---breaking that history of  codependent behavior.  Well, I've succeeded.  I've succeeded to the point where the thought of dating is so far from my radar it's not visible. I've been encouraged to put myself out there---not appealing.  Today, I was approached in, of all places, the grocery store.  He was a very sweet man.  We exchanged pleasantries and he expressed an interest in taking me to dinner and getting to know me better.  Very kind, cute and not creepy, which was a plus.  He asked for my number and when I hesitated he gave me his and told me to call him if I wanted that date.  Then he told me how beautiful I was.   It was very sincere too, in fact I don't think he meant to say it out loud honestly.   It was very flattering, I'm not going to lie.  I realized I have had a wall up and have been extremely unapproachable over the last nearly 30 years.  Like I said, when I'm in a relationship I am all in.

I replayed the conversation over in my mind and I realized that no one I've been involved with (except 1 person) used the term beautiful (wait... 2 but the 2nd one never used it the first time we dated and that's really when it counted) to describe me.  My looks were never what the men I was involved with seemed to care about.  I used to think it was because I was, in fact, not really beautiful and that I was lucky they "settled" for me and that my personality was enough.   I am now a much more secure woman and I realize that I was lucky, not that they "settled" for me but that they cared more about me as a person and my looks were just a bonus.  There was a time when I would have killed for my ex husband to say "You look beautiful!"  or "You are so pretty" but that didn't happen, ever.  It was after my divorce that I dated someone who could not get over how "beautiful" I was. Even when I was 13...and 15 and dated him for the first time.  Looking back?  That was the only thing he loved really.  He loved being with me because it made him feel worthy.  Yuck.  I didn't like that feeling at all.  However, being with him made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.  So, I thank him for that.  After ending that relationship I had a new found love for myself, a worthiness that I didn't have before.  And one that can't be taken from me and that isn't dependent on anyone else's approval.

I was talking to one of my confidants today after this experience and I told her what I just wrote.  She has had no less than 5 men reach out to her over social media this past month telling her that she was beautiful and wanting to get to know her (she is newly single for the first time as well).  We laughed saying there must be something in the air.  We also admitted that it can't be easy for a man to put himself out there like that (especially in person!) and we admired their bravery.  However, we both agreed that that is not how we want people to see us---just by what's on the outside.  We are both women who don't have "a type".  I have always been attracted to a man based on his personality, his sense of humor especially and his smile.  I would like to be appreciated for the same things.  My eyes have always been something that men have commented on---I get that.  I look at eyes too.  But, as I'm getting older, so are my eyes and they aren't what they used to be 👀😉so I'm hoping that isn't my only redeeming quality.

As a child my dad always commented on our beauty.  He used to sing a song to my sister about a beautiful girl.  When my daughter was little I would tell her all the time she was the most beautiful girl in the world.  That's because that's what *I* needed to hear, that's what I craved to hear.  Well, luckily, it worked because she doesn't give a rat's ass if someone tells her she's beautiful--she damn well knows she is.  She's heard it her whole life.  She is confident in a way I never was.  I will be curious to see what she wants her significant other to appreciate in her.

I guess the morale of this story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....and this beholder finally sees hers  inside and out....because today was truly a day in the life.

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓