Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓

Happy 85th Birthday in Heaven Mommy (your 5th one!)

Happy Birthday mommy!  It's strange, now that Richie calls me woman I don't feel right calling you that anymore.  When I think of you I feel like a child again and mommy seems right.  I hope everyone is giving you a huge party and celebrating you in Heaven.  I miss you so very much it's hard to even comprehend it.   When you first passed I really didn't understand how people could say they missed their loved ones every day and that it got worse as time passed.  I thought, well.....I didn't physically live in the same place as my mom for decades, nor did I speak to her every day, so really what is going to change?  Well, I'm here to say....A LOT!  Knowing that I can't pick up the phone whenever I want and hear your sweet responses to my rant of the day is so much harder than I imagined.  Now, as my children are becoming adults I resonate with you on a whole different level,

I understand now how my calls to you to spill whatever was going on in my life in my mind was me calling a friend, someone who I could trust and who knew me.  Now I realize, as a mother, every time I was hurting and felt better after hanging up with you----you carried that pain.  You thought constantly about what you could do and how powerless you felt when you realized the answer was---not a damn thing.  What you didn't know was that I didn't need you to fix anything---I just needed my mommy.

I understand now how you got tired of doing everything for everyone else.  Like when I would ask you to make me a sandwich because it tasted better when you made it.   I am happy that as time passed I was able to return the favor and make some of your favorites.  Just because you were my mom didn't mean you weren't a person.  I'm sorry for not realizing that until I was way older than I should have been.

I understand now why you were so afraid of getting attached to Richie when he was a baby because you had to leave.  I never knew the pain of missing someone you love so badly that you truly feel that your heart is being ripped from your chest. It's not just painful when someone dies it's just as painful when that person is alive yet you can't see them or be with them.

I understand why you would be quiet when we were all together.  I used to get so annoyed, like your children and grandchildren are all together why aren't you over the moon?  It's because you didn't feel comfortable with our topics, your knowledge of them practically non existent and your fear of being laughed at kept you silent.  I get it now mom.  And I'm sorry I wasn't more patient.

I understand why you never took sides when one of us would come to you with a complaint about the others.  You loved us all and even if you understood where we were coming from, the pain of watching your children do anything but love each other and get along was just too much.  And you also knew that we each had our own sense of reality and somewhere in the middle was the truth.  I get it now.

I understood why you didn't share your feelings and personality with everyone.  You were so selective and I feel so incredibly blessed to know that there are things you shared with me that you never shared with anyone---even Daddy.  I get it mommy.  I've actually become very selective myself.  I know---shocking, but I'm there.  I see so much of you in me now.  All the good. I wish you were here to see it....to be part of it.  We would be even closer.  I know you're with me always.

I truly wish you were here to get to know Emeline.  She still loves that you called her that.  She is....beyond words Mom.  She is the best of you and of me and she's everything that we were not.  She's strong and confident and comfortable in her own skin.  She's just so beautiful mom, inside and out.   You would just cherish every moment with her.  There is so much you could have taught her if you had the chance.

I wish you could have met McKenna.  You would have loved her.  Daniel Boone is everything you always knew he would be.  You saw in him what I couldn't when he was younger and a bullumeister (I have no idea how to spell it).  You would just be so proud of him.  He's really incredible.  I know he wishes he could talk to you -there is so much inside of him that needs his Yaya.

I wish I could say I wish you were here to see Richie evolve, but I know his journey would break your heart in a million pieces.  He identifies with you and relates to you in a whole other way now mommy.  I hope he talks to you and I know you're trying to help him through this lifetime.  It must make you happy that he embraces his German heritage so strongly now.  Please stay with him always.

I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me, you always were.  I'm confident that you would hurt for me in the areas of life that didn't turn out exactly how we'd hoped.  For that, I'm relieved you're not here to witness it first hand.  But, I know you'd be proud of how I always pick myself up and carry on as always, with my head high and a smile on my face.  I learned that from you.  Even though you didn't think you were strong-----I learned it ALL from you!!!  You were stronger than any of us ever realized.  You were the perfect blend of loving and giving yet strong and brave.

I wish you could see how very much you are missed.  My kids talk about you at least once a day.  We see things that make us think of you and we laugh at how you'd react to it.  You live on in each one of us.  And each of us is growing.....by this time next year you'll have three great grandbabies.  I know you're rocking 2 of them right now until it's time for them to be born.

I love you mom.  Happy Birthday!!!!  Make a wish xoxoxo