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Thursday, March 30, 2017

Somewhere over the rainbow....

I had a long overdue conversation with my sister yesterday.  It was so needed and so therapeutic.  There is something about talking to someone who knows everything about you and comes from the same place that is like a spoon full of sugar.  It never fails that every time we talk a cardinal shows up and that lets us know our mom is there.

Our mom was one of the many subjects we touched on yesterday but one that led to so many of those other subjects.  I've been missing my mom a lot lately still.  It is strange because I know if I had the opportunity to talk to her about my life right now she wouldn't be able to help.  Nothing she would say would comfort me, in actuality I probably would have gotten pissed off to be honest.  She didn't know how to give advice, she only knew how to feel badly for me and I am someone who despises pity.  She would also tell me how incredibly strong and brave she thought I was and how she could never do what I do.  Instead of making me feel better that usually made me feel worse.  Because, if I'm being truthful, all I ever wanted growing up was to be my mom.  She always seemed to have it together.  The house was always like a hotel, show room ready. Dinner?  Fabulous every SINGLE night (no, I'm NOT exaggerating).  She always greeted my dad with a smile on her face, no matter how she felt inside and she seemed happy just being home with her family.  That is me.  In a nutshell.  Or is it?

My sister and I discussed how much our parents missed out on by living this seemingly perfect life.  FUN.  There was no fun in their world, it was all about maintaining the perfect life and the way it looked.  Blech.  I got over that when I quit the PTA in 2001.  I realized then that the illusion of perfection truly took away from what was truly important....spending time with my family.  I suppose I continued the illusion as far as my marriage with a lot of people because when I got divorced a lot of people told me they had no idea that I wasn't happy. And the Oscar goes to......  But as far as my kids? I became the mom I would have wanted.  They tell me everything and I give them my real life experience as help, not just "well just do it! or NO! you can't DO that!"  Lately they've been realizing it all and they are too kind with the praise.  My daughter went from being too cool to hug me or basically talk to me when I'm at school to running over to me and hugging me in front of the entire student body.  Why?  Because when she's face timing her friends every day and they hear and see pretty much everything that goes on in my house they have labeled me as "cool" and her as "lucky".  I'll take it!  But, I digress....back to what the illusion of perfection makes you miss out on.....

My sister was here a few weeks ago and we went to the beach and even got my dad to meet us there for dinner.  After dinner we (OK I) said I needed to go walk down to the water one more time.  Our dad joined us!  He's never done that in all the years they've been in Florida (32 years!).  So sad.  We discussed how we wish they had enjoyed their lives more.  They could have been like newlyweds again when they moved in 1985---no kids, no grandchildren yet....in this beautiful paradise they dreamed of moving to since 1973!  But instead they continued the routine they had followed my entire childhood.  Never looking outside the box.

The other day I was at the Magic Kingdom with my youngest son and we were on It's a Small World.  I started to tear up because my mom loved loved loved that ride.  I remember the look on her face every time we'd ride it.  Then I thought about my kids and what they'd remember about me.....mommy was a roller coaster junkie 😋.  I see so many moms not fully enjoying the time at the parks with their kids because they are in mom mode, or they're afraid or omg the excuses I hear for them for not going on rides with their kids.  I'm so grateful that I don't have any fears and I enjoy the rides just as much (OK, sometimes more) than my kids do.  I'm actually not very sympathetic to fears and anxieties so I'm grateful none of my kids have them either.  That's a blog for another day 😉

My point in all this is that life is SHORT!  Way too short to be anything but happy.  I know I've said it before but it's true.  I know sometimes life gets in the way and you can't always control the negative feelings, but if you can and you choose not to just because "this is how I've always done things" that's just crazy!  We are all given the same 24 hours in a day and what you choose to put into those 24 hours are what makes your life worth living.  I've been working on a List book with a very incredible young lady that I'm blessed to know.  We do our lists and then share them with each other to keep the other accountable.  She's living in Turkey so it's done remotely, but I look forward to those days when we share them.  I love seeing her viewpoint on life, she's such an inspirational young woman.  Last week it was What always cheers you up.  It's funny how simple our lists were.  There was no extravagant things on either one of them.  It was the simple little things.  So....no matter if you're 25 or 52 you should always find time for the things that make you happy.  For some of us it's a challenge first to figure out what those things are.  I'm sure if my mom and dad were asked they wouldn't have been able to answer that easily.  Can you?  Try it....and than go out and DO some of the things on your list!  Because after all......it's just a day in the life

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Dream is a Wish your heart makes..

I keep reading about the new moon and manifesting and how it's the perfect time to do so.  I went through an entire year doing prayer and meditation rituals for the full and new moons.  It became a bit taxing on my perfectionist mentality because I didn't always want to do it on the specific day allotted.  It caused stress and annoyance and that's the complete opposite of what it's supposed to do.

This morning I had a conversation with a long lost friend who reminded me of something I had taught her that has manifested into this amazing, incredible life for her.  She always thanks me for it but I forget I was the one who told her to do it.  She manifested her Perfect Soul mate.  I remember watching it all unfold and knowing that somehow it was going to work out.  They were living across the country from each other, both in very difficult divorce situations with children who were less than eager to be supportive.  Well, let me go back to the manifesting part.

I told her that she needed to make a list.  A list of all the qualities she wanted in this person.  It was VERY important to not use the word not or doesn't when wording the list.  For example....I want a partner who is forgiving instead of I want a partner who doesn't hold grudges.....get the drift? I want a partner who is easy going as opposed to I want a partner who is not controlling.  She laughed (that's kinda all we did together to be honest) and I wasn't sure she would do it.  I reminded her several times and she'd joke and say well of course he's not here I haven't made my list!  Well damned if she finished the list and he showed up shortly after.  Her knight in shining armor.  Her perfect match!  To the outside world it may have seemed doomed from the start or too good to be true or impossible.  But nothing is impossible if you truly believe!  Six months later she was in a UHaul driving herself to romantic New Jersey (ha!) to live happily ever after.  There were still obstacles in the way but that didn't stop our trusty Heroine...she was determined to follow the dream.  We fell out of touch and I totally understand it.  When you're following the dream you sometimes need to take a step back from people who might make you doubt that the path will work or anyone who could make you feel anything but joy about the path. We both moved across the country and have 3 children each and life gets in the way.  Out of the blue yesterday she sent something that touched my heart in a way that she couldn't know I needed and I texted her back to thank her.  We had a quick catch up session and not only is her happily ever after happening, they're moving in together this weekend and she is just beyond the moon.  All because of faith and a list and intention......Miracles happen every single day!

So....instead of wondering why life isn't going your way think about whether or not you have decided what you want your life to look like.  Have you sent clear signals to the Higher powers (I say God, some say universe) about exactly what it is that you want?  Do you even know?  That's the problem chickadee.  You're sending all kinds of *stuff* out there and none of it is bringing you what you want!  Make that list!  If it's a new job you want write a detailed list of what it looks like!  Don't dream small dream BIG.  I made a 4 page list once and it was delivered! When I needed a job (after 17 years of being out of the workplace and having kids to drive back and forth to school) I just put it out to God (I didn't even WRITE that one...)that I needed a job that would be flexible and take care of my needs.  It took 3 months but it came, as easy as getting a phone call from a friend!  Not every wish is granted overnight but divine timing has a place in it all as well.  Things need to be adjusted to bring you what you need. New home?  Where? What does it look like?  How much is it?  But the key is to let go after you write it.  Some even burn theirs during the new moon.  I didn't like that idea because I have a terrible memory and I wouldn't know if I got what I wanted ;) but hey, to each his own!

So, grab your pen, paper and your heart's desires and start deciding what you want.....and than have faith and believe and don't get all caught up in the hows and whens just know.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life!

Monday, March 27, 2017

The other man's grass is always greener....the sun shines brighter on the other side

Today I received a text that pretty much woke me up out of a negative place.  You know....that place where you focus on what you don't have instead of being grateful for what you do have?!  Yea....that one.

Yesterday I woke up with knots in my stomach for many reasons.  Unfortunately, lately, that's been more the norm than I care to admit.  I usually shake myself out of it at some point during the day but yesterday I had a feeling it wasn't going anywhere.  Yesterday marked the day 23 years ago that I became a mom.  Now, before you go thinking I'm making it about me hear me out!  My oldest son decided 3 years ago he didn't want to celebrate his birthday anymore.  His 21st passed without us even muttering happy birthday at his request.  It was a month after my mom passed away so I was already in mourning so it was just another shaker of salt in an already open wound.  Last year we were able to say Happy Birthday but no special dinner, no cake....very difficult for me, but it wasn't ABOUT me, it was about honoring his wishes.  I was feeling ok about it because at least I got to spend the day with him and I sang in my head and the day before I said "still in labor" about 12 times to myself instead of out loud.  This year....well....he worked all day.  I was lucky to catch him at 2 am the morning of and I said Happy Birthday and gave him his card before stumbling to bed.  My daughter and I baked special cookies and left them out and as she said "even though there are no candles at least it's something special".  I'm not going to lie, it is really difficult to just ignore the day that marks a before and after in my world.  And it makes me so sad that a day that used to involve 3 months of planning now passes without acknowledging it.

My first act yesterday morning was to meditate to take away the ugly feelings I was having.  I was guided to a book that I rarely open. It's called God Calling by AJ Russell.  It has a different message for every day of the year.  Yesterday's was brilliant....

"I am with you to guide you and help you.  Unseen forces are controlling your destiny. Your petty fears are groundless.  What of a man walking through a glorious glade who fretted because ahead there lay a river and he might not be able to cross it, when all the time, that river was spanned by a bridge?  And what if that man had a friend who knew the way-had planned it-and assured him that a not part of the journey would any unforeseen contingency arise, and that all was well?  So leave your foolish fears, and follow Me, your Guide, and determinedly refuse to consider the problems of tomorrow.  My message to you is trust and wait."

The tears began to flow after the first two sentences.  Of course, how could I forget.  My entire demeanor was changed and my outlook on the day and my life brightened.  It was all going to be okay no matter what.  God had brought me over that bridge so many times before and although what was waiting on the other side was not always what I thought I
wanted it was always better and what I needed.

This morning I received a text message from a friend whose son was in a horrible car accident in December, right before Christmas.  She sent me a video of her son, who has been unresponsive, moving his index finger at the command of his doctor.  Tears?  Goosebumps?  You have no idea!  To think that such a small movement could bring such jubilation!  Such hope and promise!  I was reminded how grateful I need to be for the incredible life I've been given.  I have so so much to be grateful for!  I have 3 amazing, healthy, smart children, a dad who at nearly 87 years old still works and has an active social life and is healthy, nieces and nephews that are smart and funny and healthy and loving, a sister and a brother who are there for me always if I need them, bosses who are like family to me and who appreciate me and make my life so much easier, friends who check up on me all the time, and understand that as of late I've not wanted to talk much-who is luckier than me?  This will be my focus as I go forward this Spring, of all that I have not what I don't.  After all......it's just a day in the life!

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

there'll be peace when you are done....lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more.

OK so far 2017 is not going as planned.  I want to say it sucks, but there have been far too many happy moments to lump those in with the sucking.  I've spent time with people visiting, my bosses (who are also my friends), my cousin, my niece, my sister, brother in law and Godson, my friends from Arizona....it's been a busy few months.  I'm spending a lot of time with my kids and wayyyy too much time at Walt's world.  All good times and a lot of fun.  I've been to the beach almost more this year than I had been in the last 12 and that is just paradise.  So what's my problem?  Most people would love to have my life.  I'm truly blessed I know this.  I can only explain it by saying there is a huge whole in it and I can't fill it.  I am still extremely grateful EVERY day for the blessings I have.  I thank God every single night for all of them.  I know how lucky I am.  I just feel empty. 

I came home with my son from the gym today and my daughter told me the vacuum wasn't working....I actually broke down in tears and had to leave the room.  Last night our dog was having...ummm let me put this tactfully...bathroom issues and guess who got the great job of getting the remains off of her behind.  It all happened in the middle of me cooking dinner and I was just so worn out, I'm tired of being strong, I really am.  I know I am a very strong woman...hell person.  I know I'm capable and dependable understanding and bleck....so over it.  I know this is a time of growth and change for me.  I'm just really tired of it all.  The self discovery, the always tweaking the personality traits that I think are not assets, the looking in the mirror and working on changing what I see physically.  The never having someone there to have my back when I decide to break....here's what I've learned.

I had a psychic read me the other day and tell me basically that I didn't love myself.  I got her fired.  Not lying.  A few years ago I would have gone with that.  I didn't love myself.  I put everyone else before me and than I'd be bitter and pissed off.  I was self absorbed and negative.  I had a brutal temper and was quick with my tongue and critical at times....OK a lot.  But in the past 8 years or so I've done so much work that if it had been plastic  surgery you would not even know it was me.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror.  When people compliment me...I believe it.  I realize that the people I choose to have in my life are fortunate because they can't ask for someone who will care more than me. I've recently deactivated my FaceBook account for a lot of reasons and I get messages, emails, texts daily asking if I'm OK because people are noticing I'm not on there....it makes me feel so good and makes me realize that maybe I do make an impact on people's lives. My kids love me more than I deserve, that much I'll say, but when people tell me I'm a good mom and most moms don't do what I do....I accept it.  I'm not too shabby lol.  I've spent my entire life thinking I was ordinary and that everyone was like me.  I've realized the hard way that that is totally not true.  I've never felt good enough, always trying to do better, be better, look better. Now?  I'm OK with who I am.  She's not bad company.  She's a little annoying at times, like a dog with a bone when she can't fix stuff, but she's a'ight. 

I had a conversation with my ex husband the other day.  He is dating someone and is blissfully happy and it's so nice to see.  He hasn't told his family about her yet and he was venting to me about them.  He apologized again for allowing them to treat me the way they had.  He said he was ashamed of himself for it.  I told him not to be, they were a huge catalyst in me becoming the person I am today.  I don't regret any of it and neither should he.  I stopped mid sentence and I said to him....do you realize that I forgive people way too easily?  Like seriously, I just forgive and move on without skipping a beat.  Why do I do that?  Why don't I ever hold anyone accountable for their shitty treatment of me?  He said, well.....you divorced me so that held me accountable lol.  I said yea....after 23 YEARS!  And boom immediately forgave you.  He chuckled and said it was one of the things he hated about me when we were married but he admired it now. I thought about it long after we hung up the phone.  Is it a good quality always?  I don't know.  I guess it is because if someone craps on me enough I wind up cutting them out of my life and I never look back.  I don't hold a grudge, I wish them all good things, I just don't want to deal with them in my world.  I just want peace....and happiness.  

I've gone back to meditating and it does help. Daily prayer is an understatement.  God is probably so tired of hearing me I think He's about to block me (kidding!).  Most days I surrender and give it to God and I know He's got a plan for me that's better than I could have dreamt.  The last time I gave it all to Him my life became better than it had ever been before.  So I have faith that even if things don't turn out the way I want them to I will be happy with the plan God has in store.  In the manifesting world we say "this or something better" when we're deciding what we want.  I know there is magic going on behind the scenes in my life to bring blessings yet unknown.  I just have to cleanse my heart and be prepared for them.  And unlike the old me who would say "I don't deserve to be this happy!".....this me is saying bring it on, it's my time!  After all.....it's just a day in the life!


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

There's a hope in every new seed and every flower that grows upon the earth....

Happy March.  Yes please, thank you!  I've never paid much attention to different times of the year and what they mean to me.  I am a live in the moment kinda gal.  It took me FOREVER to be that person.  I used to live in the future.  I couldn't wait to get married, have kids, buy a house, next vacation, next Christmas, planning the kids birthdays....Madonna mi how much time I wasted not enjoying the moment. 2016 was a year filled with much change and so so much happiness.  It made me feel like sadness would never touch me again.  Wrongo.  I'm not immune to rough times and sadness, hello.  However, what I've realized so far in 2017 is that by living in the moment I have a tendency to forget all the joy and happiness I've had and focus on the present misery and think that's my new reality.  Just like when I'm happy and full of joy I think THAT's my new reality.  Balance, woman.  Balance.  Life is a circle and when bad times are here you know the good is right around the bend.

I woke up this morning to an envelope under my door.  Hmmm.  Normally those letters came when the kids have done something wrong or were punished for something and wanted to apologize or plead their cases.  None of those things have occurred in a very long time.  I saw my oldest sons handwriting on the envelope....a very thick envelope.  Shit.  What the hell now?  I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because things with him are never easy.  It was a 5 page letter about our relationship and what he thought we needed to do to improve it.  It was very nice.  I just don't have it in me right now to deal with it all.  He is so different than me.  He communicates in a whole different way than I'm used to.  I have to choose my words so carefully.  I miss the days when we were so close and I didn't have to think at all when communicating with him.  I can't have normal face to face conversations with him.  A letter will probably be the best response to it.  It's funny but he said at the end of the letter "I apologize for not being the son you wanted me to be, but thank you for allowing me to be who I am".    Makes me sad, he has NO idea that I didn't ever want him to be anything but HAPPY. I have no set thought in my head of what I wanted my kids to be.  No pressure to be a doctor, lawyer, police officer, politician, none of that! My other kids know this.  They know that whatever choices they make, whether I agree or not as long as it makes THEM happy that's all I care about.  The only change I would make in my oldest is that he was easier to be close to.  I have faith that eventually he might be, but who knows.  The fact that he wants that closeness with me again is the first step I suppose.

I have very few people in my life that get to see the complete me.  My friend Jill is pretty much the only person I talk to every single day.  Lately when she asks "How are you today?" I say...I'm not sure.  I can't explain it, there is this inner peace and knowing that life will be OK no matter what happens---that's my faith, which is strong and determined.  Than there is this part of me that doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning and is so sad and broken it's debilitating.  Than there is the part of me that feels so grateful for all the blessings that I have in my life that she wants to bounce around like Tigger.  Sybil much?  It's been like that for nearly 6 weeks and I'm over it!  I'm ready to just feel good again all the time.  And I'm going to make sure it happens.


I woke up this morning with the phrase "it comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" in my head.  It gave me hope.  Hope that March will be the breath of fresh air that I've been waiting for this year thus far.  I realized, once again, that I'm still learning lessons.  I still have work to do on myself.  I still have to find the path from who I am to who I want to be.  The balance between loving the people in my life and wanting the best for them and supporting them and yet still being true to who I am and what I need.  Hardest thing ever for me.  But the lessons will keep coming until I figure it out.  The tests will keep popping up until I'm steadfast and true in who I am.  As I type this I am feeling hopeful and optimistic about the Spring.  New beginnings and fresh starts and everything blooming again.  After all, it's just a day in the life.....