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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

there'll be peace when you are done....lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more.

OK so far 2017 is not going as planned.  I want to say it sucks, but there have been far too many happy moments to lump those in with the sucking.  I've spent time with people visiting, my bosses (who are also my friends), my cousin, my niece, my sister, brother in law and Godson, my friends from Arizona....it's been a busy few months.  I'm spending a lot of time with my kids and wayyyy too much time at Walt's world.  All good times and a lot of fun.  I've been to the beach almost more this year than I had been in the last 12 and that is just paradise.  So what's my problem?  Most people would love to have my life.  I'm truly blessed I know this.  I can only explain it by saying there is a huge whole in it and I can't fill it.  I am still extremely grateful EVERY day for the blessings I have.  I thank God every single night for all of them.  I know how lucky I am.  I just feel empty. 

I came home with my son from the gym today and my daughter told me the vacuum wasn't working....I actually broke down in tears and had to leave the room.  Last night our dog was having...ummm let me put this tactfully...bathroom issues and guess who got the great job of getting the remains off of her behind.  It all happened in the middle of me cooking dinner and I was just so worn out, I'm tired of being strong, I really am.  I know I am a very strong woman...hell person.  I know I'm capable and dependable understanding and bleck....so over it.  I know this is a time of growth and change for me.  I'm just really tired of it all.  The self discovery, the always tweaking the personality traits that I think are not assets, the looking in the mirror and working on changing what I see physically.  The never having someone there to have my back when I decide to break....here's what I've learned.

I had a psychic read me the other day and tell me basically that I didn't love myself.  I got her fired.  Not lying.  A few years ago I would have gone with that.  I didn't love myself.  I put everyone else before me and than I'd be bitter and pissed off.  I was self absorbed and negative.  I had a brutal temper and was quick with my tongue and critical at times....OK a lot.  But in the past 8 years or so I've done so much work that if it had been plastic  surgery you would not even know it was me.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror.  When people compliment me...I believe it.  I realize that the people I choose to have in my life are fortunate because they can't ask for someone who will care more than me. I've recently deactivated my FaceBook account for a lot of reasons and I get messages, emails, texts daily asking if I'm OK because people are noticing I'm not on there....it makes me feel so good and makes me realize that maybe I do make an impact on people's lives. My kids love me more than I deserve, that much I'll say, but when people tell me I'm a good mom and most moms don't do what I do....I accept it.  I'm not too shabby lol.  I've spent my entire life thinking I was ordinary and that everyone was like me.  I've realized the hard way that that is totally not true.  I've never felt good enough, always trying to do better, be better, look better. Now?  I'm OK with who I am.  She's not bad company.  She's a little annoying at times, like a dog with a bone when she can't fix stuff, but she's a'ight. 

I had a conversation with my ex husband the other day.  He is dating someone and is blissfully happy and it's so nice to see.  He hasn't told his family about her yet and he was venting to me about them.  He apologized again for allowing them to treat me the way they had.  He said he was ashamed of himself for it.  I told him not to be, they were a huge catalyst in me becoming the person I am today.  I don't regret any of it and neither should he.  I stopped mid sentence and I said to him....do you realize that I forgive people way too easily?  Like seriously, I just forgive and move on without skipping a beat.  Why do I do that?  Why don't I ever hold anyone accountable for their shitty treatment of me?  He said, well.....you divorced me so that held me accountable lol.  I said yea....after 23 YEARS!  And boom immediately forgave you.  He chuckled and said it was one of the things he hated about me when we were married but he admired it now. I thought about it long after we hung up the phone.  Is it a good quality always?  I don't know.  I guess it is because if someone craps on me enough I wind up cutting them out of my life and I never look back.  I don't hold a grudge, I wish them all good things, I just don't want to deal with them in my world.  I just want peace....and happiness.  

I've gone back to meditating and it does help. Daily prayer is an understatement.  God is probably so tired of hearing me I think He's about to block me (kidding!).  Most days I surrender and give it to God and I know He's got a plan for me that's better than I could have dreamt.  The last time I gave it all to Him my life became better than it had ever been before.  So I have faith that even if things don't turn out the way I want them to I will be happy with the plan God has in store.  In the manifesting world we say "this or something better" when we're deciding what we want.  I know there is magic going on behind the scenes in my life to bring blessings yet unknown.  I just have to cleanse my heart and be prepared for them.  And unlike the old me who would say "I don't deserve to be this happy!".....this me is saying bring it on, it's my time!  After all.....it's just a day in the life!


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