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Wednesday, March 1, 2017

There's a hope in every new seed and every flower that grows upon the earth....

Happy March.  Yes please, thank you!  I've never paid much attention to different times of the year and what they mean to me.  I am a live in the moment kinda gal.  It took me FOREVER to be that person.  I used to live in the future.  I couldn't wait to get married, have kids, buy a house, next vacation, next Christmas, planning the kids birthdays....Madonna mi how much time I wasted not enjoying the moment. 2016 was a year filled with much change and so so much happiness.  It made me feel like sadness would never touch me again.  Wrongo.  I'm not immune to rough times and sadness, hello.  However, what I've realized so far in 2017 is that by living in the moment I have a tendency to forget all the joy and happiness I've had and focus on the present misery and think that's my new reality.  Just like when I'm happy and full of joy I think THAT's my new reality.  Balance, woman.  Balance.  Life is a circle and when bad times are here you know the good is right around the bend.

I woke up this morning to an envelope under my door.  Hmmm.  Normally those letters came when the kids have done something wrong or were punished for something and wanted to apologize or plead their cases.  None of those things have occurred in a very long time.  I saw my oldest sons handwriting on the envelope....a very thick envelope.  Shit.  What the hell now?  I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because things with him are never easy.  It was a 5 page letter about our relationship and what he thought we needed to do to improve it.  It was very nice.  I just don't have it in me right now to deal with it all.  He is so different than me.  He communicates in a whole different way than I'm used to.  I have to choose my words so carefully.  I miss the days when we were so close and I didn't have to think at all when communicating with him.  I can't have normal face to face conversations with him.  A letter will probably be the best response to it.  It's funny but he said at the end of the letter "I apologize for not being the son you wanted me to be, but thank you for allowing me to be who I am".    Makes me sad, he has NO idea that I didn't ever want him to be anything but HAPPY. I have no set thought in my head of what I wanted my kids to be.  No pressure to be a doctor, lawyer, police officer, politician, none of that! My other kids know this.  They know that whatever choices they make, whether I agree or not as long as it makes THEM happy that's all I care about.  The only change I would make in my oldest is that he was easier to be close to.  I have faith that eventually he might be, but who knows.  The fact that he wants that closeness with me again is the first step I suppose.

I have very few people in my life that get to see the complete me.  My friend Jill is pretty much the only person I talk to every single day.  Lately when she asks "How are you today?" I say...I'm not sure.  I can't explain it, there is this inner peace and knowing that life will be OK no matter what happens---that's my faith, which is strong and determined.  Than there is this part of me that doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning and is so sad and broken it's debilitating.  Than there is the part of me that feels so grateful for all the blessings that I have in my life that she wants to bounce around like Tigger.  Sybil much?  It's been like that for nearly 6 weeks and I'm over it!  I'm ready to just feel good again all the time.  And I'm going to make sure it happens.

I woke up this morning with the phrase "it comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" in my head.  It gave me hope.  Hope that March will be the breath of fresh air that I've been waiting for this year thus far.  I realized, once again, that I'm still learning lessons.  I still have work to do on myself.  I still have to find the path from who I am to who I want to be.  The balance between loving the people in my life and wanting the best for them and supporting them and yet still being true to who I am and what I need.  Hardest thing ever for me.  But the lessons will keep coming until I figure it out.  The tests will keep popping up until I'm steadfast and true in who I am.  As I type this I am feeling hopeful and optimistic about the Spring.  New beginnings and fresh starts and everything blooming again.  After all, it's just a day in the life.....
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