Friday, February 24, 2017
And when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on,then remembering will have to do
I was angry at her when she died. I had a lot of pent up emotions and hurts that I never let out. I didn't mourn for probably the first year. I think I've written about that. I've let go of all of that and just remembered the good things. The other night while I watched "This is Us" it was all too much for me. Seeing Randall's father in bed, riddled with cancer and the oxygen tube on his nose I lost my shit. Well....I waited until my Lulu went to bed and THEN I lost my shit. I looked over at her during that part and she had tears streaming down her face. We exchanged a glance and I said "too familiar, huh Lu?" she nodded. After she went to sleep I sobbed like a child and my creme filling son just held me tight and let me. I would like to be brave and strong and not let my kids see me like that, but it's impossible. They know me too well. We are too close, I can't get away with it. I knew my mom that way. As an adult. I could take one look at her and KNOW if something set her off or what she was thinking. After I caught my breath I was determined not to let myself get immersed in the sadness. My mom would not want that. My favorite conversations where when I'd make her laugh until she couldn't breathe and she would howl and say her stomach hurt. There was no better sound to me than that laugh and knowing I was the reason she was laughing.
My mom was a very complex yet simple woman...I know contradictory. The person she showed to the world was always happy go lucky and sweet and kind. I was fortunate to see the real her. She was all of those things, of course, but I was one of the very few people she let see the other side. The side that struggled and feared and got angry and sad. My mom had a tough life. Her mom died (in front of her) when she was 10 leaving her to be shuffled between her siblings until my Aunt got back from the army and she had a permanent place with her. Back in her day there were no therapists or sympathetic ears it was suck it up and deal with it. It made her strong, even though she thought she was weak. She never blamed her past for her future. I'm determined to be like that and to raise my kids that way. No excuses, just do the best you can with what you have.
My daughter is home from school today, my creme filling son is off of work. We'll spend the day together which will make it easier for them. Last year I went to the lake alone and desperately tried to feel what I'm feeling today. It all comes in time I suppose. Last year I was chasing her. Trying to find a certain feeling, trying to let the emotions out, trying to feel the "right ones". Today I have peace. I feel her with me and she's telling me it's going to all be okay. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.