January was quite possibly the worst I can ever remember. February isn't looking much better. I live in a beautiful climate so I can't blame it on winter blues. It's something in my soul that aches and my brain is allowing itself to set up camp there as well. I want to jump out of my skin and run away but to where? No matter where I go, there I am you know? I need to take a look in the mirror again and realize what I want to see looking back at me. Ok, done. I like her. I really like her. But honestly? I think she's too much for most people to handle. She is kind and loving and funny and real. She gives far more than she takes and I think most people have a hard time with the depth of what she gives. Maybe this is why people come and go out of my life so frequently. Maybe this is why I don't have people who can deal with me on a daily basis. Except my kids, they can't get enough of me (poor things). So I spend a lot of time alone. I normally don't mind that, but lately I need more. So, I once again began my quest for my purpose in life.
Last week my cream filling son and I left the gym and went to the grocery store. I was wearing a BEAT CANCER shirt. The woman bagging the groceries asked if I knew anyone who had cancer. I pointed over my shoulder and said "Yes. Him". She gasped and my son chuckled. I said my mom did too. She began to tell us about her mom who was battling cancer. She was in NY and we are in Florida. She stepped away with us and let it all out. We found ourselves sharing things to help this woman deal with this horrific time in her life. My son explained a lot about what a chemo patient goes through (have I mentioned he is truly my hero and I am so incredibly blessed to call him my son?) and what helped him and what made things worse. I shared my experience more with my mom because she could relate to that. She hugged me so tightly when we left and thanked us both over and over again. We wished her luck and we were on our way.
I had to take my son's car to be fixed the other day. I called a few places and longed (for one of the first times) to be back in Arizona where my mechanic and I are facebook friends and I trusted him to make time for me whenever I needed it and to be honest and fair. So I turned to Google and the first place I called the woman had such a thick accent and said she'd call me back. I almost didn't go because I thought if she can't understand me how is this gonna work? I'm so glad I went. I walked into the office and she treated me like we were old friends. She took one look at me and said "Your eyes! Ay dios mio your eyes!" I was like, huh? My eyes, I know, didn't have their usual sparkle, I was feeling sad and flat and defeated. But she saw the light. She said I had a bright soul. I asked her if she had psychic abilities she said no. We talked for over an hour about angels and spirit guides and God and how He shows things and people don't listen. Turns out she is very much psychic she just didn't know it. We exchanged numbers and she asked me to do a reading for her. We hugged like old friends. These are the people who get me. I thanked God for the meeting and decided I knew what came next.
February marks the anniversary of my mom's death. It's been two years since she passed. It feels like 12. I realized what my next step needed to be. I needed to finally put my energy into something that couldn't ignore me or dismiss me and something that needed someone like me. I signed up to volunteer to help families with children with life threatening illnesses. To be there for them, shop for them, help with chores. All the things I know I'm good at and I haven't been able to find the right outlet for. I signed my daughter up too. I want her to have tools to focus her energy in the right places and not end up like me figuring it out at 52 years old. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Especially when you're surrounded by people who love you. But unless you have someone who really truly understands what you're going through you feel alone. Hopefully I can be that to some of these families. And in doing that maybe I can save myself as well.
After all....it's just a day in the life.