Because you matter to me, I promise you do, you see?

At one time in my life, I had 21 nieces and nephews.  I took great pride in being an aunt.  Before I became a mom, being an aunt defined me. When I got divorced (even before then) I lost 14 of those nieces and nephews.  I remained close to my niece and two nephews who lived in Arizona, but the rest wrote me off like I never existed.  All those years of playing barbies with them, letting them do my hair, baking them cakes for celebrations, my "famous" pasta salad that they requested all the time, dance recitals, sleepovers at my house, being their confidants when they couldn't tell their mom something - all forgotten.  I was erased with a signature on a divorce paper.  I never really thought about it over the years.  It was best to have that clean break, I have mentioned in previous blogs I was never really accepted into my in laws circle.  But my nieces and nephews - they accepted me completely - and if I am being honest, probably part of the reason why their mothers did not.  Over the years since my divorce, I remained in contact with my niece and 2 nephews from Arizona.  The boys joined the Army, and I was lucky enough to be able to continue contact with them while they were overseas.  One of them came and stayed with me in Florida with his army buddy while they were stationed in North Carolina.  The divorce didn't include them, and I am so grateful.  They've had kids of their own now and that is what brings me to this post.  My niece...she is 33 and a mother of 4.  Her first child is a teenager.  When she found out she was pregnant she told me before anyone else.  She made me swear to keep it a secret, she did not want her parents to make her end the pregnancy.  By this point she was very close to that not being an option anymore.  I did.  I took her to her sonogram appointment and got to see the baby and that is a memory I cherish.  I felt guilty about keeping it a secret, but I told my ex-husband (her blood uncle) and he agreed I needed to keep the baby safe.  Well, I was ostracized when the family found out I knew.  It was fine.  That was between me, and God and I did what I thought was right and I would do it again!  That was in 2008.  The baby was born on my son's birthday during his cancer treatment, so I had more important things to deal with than disapproval from a family that I never fit in. 

 

Fast forward to now.  My niece had a hysterectomy yesterday.  I am praying they got the cancer out completely.  She has had so much dealt to her.  A child with mental illness, one with Autism, a husband that was deployed during her pregnancies - the list goes on.  But she is a badass.  She handles it all and is in the process of closing on a million-dollar home that came from her putting herself through dental hygienist school, running a tanning and teeth whitening business on the side, being an army wife and now she is killing it as a realtor. I am so very proud of her!  In the morning, we were texting before her surgery, and she told me I always know exactly what to say to her when she needs it.  Tears in my eyes I told her - it's in the aunt's handbook.   Last night I was texting her after her surgery and she asked me if my kitchen in New York was decorated in Apples. I had not thought about that in a hundred years.  I laughed and said yes, why?  She began to tell me how she was telling her husband about what an impact I had on her life and how she remembered being in my kitchen and how I would let her do play dough and paint and all the things her mom never let her do.  She told me she always felt safe with me. So many emotions flooded my mind.  Wow.  I did not even remember that.  That brought me to a memory of my own mom and how she let me have play dough once -and I was only allowed to use it outside.  I swore I would let my kids do playdough whenever they wanted.  It led to a conversation with my daughter about how to my kids it was just. normal to be able to make messes and how they didn't know any different!  Anyway, this is taking waaaaayyy too long to get to my point.  If you're still here, bless you 😇  

 

What I learned and I want you to remember ---- sometimes it's a little thing that you don't even think about that can make a difference in someone's life.   My daughter's kindergarten teacher commented on her Facebook post the other day and we had a laundry list of things that we both remembered about her.  And 16 years later her teacher remembers things about us both fondly- tiny little things that did not mean anything while I was doing them, but she remembers. Growing up we never got ourselves something to eat or drink without asking anyone if they wanted something.  I raised my kids the same way.  It wasn't until years later that we realized this isn't necessarily "normal".   Lately I have been feeling less than important in the grand scheme of life so this interaction with my niece was much needed.  I guess I still react to words of affirmation after all, and I realize that many other people are more affected by acts of service.  It makes me feel good when I know that my words of affirmation and my acts of service made a difference to people.  Sometimes, I think we take it for granted in the people closest to us and it becomes not expected but just "normal" and it isn't appreciated as much.  I know I have been guilty of that in the past.  I have tried really hard to be conscious of it and make sure to tell people that they are important to me. So, today - take some time and think about someone or something that has made a difference in your life and tell them.  Even if you told them yesterday.  Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a decade. No one gets tired of hearing that they matter.  For all you know it could make tomorrow more than just a day in the life. 

Time makes you bolder, children get older---I'm getting older too....

Well, I got to see my oldest son for the first time in nearly 2 months.  I was nervous but excited to see him.  We've talked for hours every week on the phone, but I wanted to SEE him.  I was really anxious that morning and I didn't want to go.  I assumed it was because it's nearly a two hour drive one way and I hate the drive, no....I should have trusted my gut that it was going to be a tough day. 

My gps sent me on a wild goose chase and I arrived late to his Drs appointment.  I was really only going to the Dr's appointment to advocate for him.  The doctor and his father want him to take anti depressants in addition to the medication that he's already on.  He doesn't want it.  He said every appointment in the last 2 months that I've missed they have been trying to convince him to take the extra medication.  I wanted him to feel like he had back up.  The doctor asked me if I had something to add to the conversation when it was wrapping up.  This is the first time he has asked me that and I explained what my concerns were about adding yet another medication.  I indicated that my son and I had discussed this and I also indicated that I don't live with him and I turned to my ex and asked if he noticed anything different than what I was stating.  The entire time I was in the doctor's office when my son and I were speaking I saw him out of the corner of my eye shaking his head.  I knew he disagreed and was giving him a chance to share his concerns.  Nope.  Said nothing.  We left the office and were talking outside and he blew up.  Would not let me or my son finish a thought, was completely passive aggressive, indicated that he was the one that was taking care of my son and I had no right to have these discussions with him.  Wow.  Ok, I took a breath.  I calmly said that wasn't fair.  That I have taken care of these children since before they were born and I understood his frustration but that was below the belt.  He proceeded to get into his car and scream at us and I calmly asked him to please discuss how he was feeling and help us to understand.  I treated him as I would anyone that was hurting.  I told him we cared (I don't---I'm being honest here) and that I understood he was upset and then it came out.  He was furloughed for the week without pay.  Bam-  there it was.  That was his issue.   Money.  Work.   Nothing had changed in the 34 years that I've known this man.   He left and my son and I got in my car and after calming HIM down now we made a plan for the few hours we would have together.  He asked me to come up to the apartment because he needed to do something and wanted me there as a buffer.  I handled my ex, as I have for the last 26 years by providing a buffer so my kids didn't have to deal with his misplaced anger.  It was easier than ever before because I don't care anymore.  His actions can't affect me the way they used to, I don't have any skin in the game so to speak.

I spent the next few hours with my son.  Discussing everything and anything as we always do.  It breaks my heart to watch him dissect his life and blame himself for his past actions.  He discussed failures.....I told him there were no failures in life.  The only failure is in not trying.  Being afraid to try and also to hold onto something long after it's expiration date.  I used my marriage as an example.  I said I didn't consider my marriage a failure because I have my 3 most precious gifts in life as a result of that union.  I also learned so much about what I don't want in life so that I can focus on what I do want.  He apologized yet again for how he hurt and destroyed me over the last 7 years.  I told him that he didn't destroy me---I became the person I am because he made me see myself differently.  He helped me to grow as a person and I was grateful for that.  He looked stunned.  I hope I got through to him.  I needed more time with him.  I wanted more time with him.  I hate leaving him.  He needed to get to work and I know he needed time alone to process what I had said and what had transpired.

I got in the car to drive home and I felt....I don't even know what I felt.  I was just numb.  I realized that I had removed so many things in my life that caused me pain.  So many people that caused me to feel angry and hurt and frustrated.  This altercation brought back SO much of the past that I had forgiven and forgotten....why?  Why was I being reminded of the reasons my marriage didn't work?  Why was I being shown that my ex husband has not changed at all, at ALL?  Why was I being reminded of how viscous and mean he could be and how I used to respond the same way?  So that I could see how much I've changed?  That I could see WHY I used to treat others that way when I was hurting?  To break this pattern once and for all?  I don't know.  All I knew was that I was shattered.  I wanted to scream of my hatred for this man...I wanted to do what I used to and call whoever would listen and get it all out---to scream about the unfairness of the situation and have someone make it better.  Not this time.  Never again.  I was the only person who could get these feelings out, to repair this damage he had inflicted once again. No one can fix me except me.

Trigger one - insinuating that I wasn't a good mother, because he was taking care of our son.  Response:  I never stopped taking care of my son.  And honestly, why do I care what he thinks?  His opinion of me doesn't count!

Trigger two - not letting me finish my sentence and allowing me to explain my point of view. And then shutting down and leaving without resolving anything.  Response:  when someone isn't in a place to receive what I have to say or what I have to give I have to stop trying.  It's not going to work.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I spent most of my adult life trying to make this man happy.  Giving up what I wanted or needed to just keep peace.  I will never allow myself to do that again for anyone or anything.  I was a people pleaser.  I never looked at myself that way because it isn't all people.  It's people I love.  Then I thought about it.  I realize I didn't even know what love was for most of my life.  What I had been searching for is someone to love me.  To make me feel loved.  I think that's why my oldest was able to destroy me the way he did....because he was my first love.  He was the first person to love me.  Truly love me.  He appreciated everything I had to offer.  He allowed me to love him totally and completely and without thought for myself.  That is what I wanted.  That is how I wanted to love someone.  It made me feel good enough.  For the first time in my life.  Being a mother made me feel good enough.  My younger son and my daughter just continued that.  I think that's why I devoted everything I had to being a mother----I was good enough.  Maybe that's why I couldn't accept love before that---I didn't feel worthy.

My younger son asked me what I wanted him to bring on Mother's day.  I told him I'd make fajitas---he was like ummm it's Mother's day.  I said I know, but this is what I love.  I love cooking and I never get to do it anymore.  He said ok (which is shocking because he fights me all the time to allow him to take care of me).  I realized that morning that all those years when I didn't want to lift a finger on Mother's day it wasn't about needing to be pampered----it was because I wanted my ex husband to WANT to pamper me.  I wanted him to appreciate me!  I have so few things that I want or need in life and he didn't fulfill any of them except financially.  Once I got divorced it wasn't that I didn't want to allow my children to spoil me on Mother's day, it was that I didn't need it.  All I ever wanted for any holiday was a letter from them (and what a doozy from my daughter this year--wow!)  But I now realize that THEY might need it.  They want to show me that appreciation.  But honestly?  They show me every day!  From my oldest sending texts of love and asking how I am, my middlest always being there when I need him and never making me ask, and my daughter's love notes on the coffee maker or on my wallet and being my partner in crime....I'm so damn blessed with these humans that I created.  I don't need Mother's day.  That's not to say the flowers and mask (yes 2020 Mother's day hits differently) and the stunning diamond necklace I wasn't thrilled.  I was stunned and cried, of course and I accepted it graciously because I know it made them happy to do it.  I've grown up enough to allow others to do things for me too.

I am all over the place damn.  Fast forward to today.  I don't need someone else to validate that I am enough.  I know that I am.  I know that I am worthy.  But what a fucking journey to get here, but after all---it's just a day in the life.