Time makes you bolder, children get older---I'm getting older too....

Well, I got to see my oldest son for the first time in nearly 2 months.  I was nervous but excited to see him.  We've talked for hours every week on the phone, but I wanted to SEE him.  I was really anxious that morning and I didn't want to go.  I assumed it was because it's nearly a two hour drive one way and I hate the drive, no....I should have trusted my gut that it was going to be a tough day. 

My gps sent me on a wild goose chase and I arrived late to his Drs appointment.  I was really only going to the Dr's appointment to advocate for him.  The doctor and his father want him to take anti depressants in addition to the medication that he's already on.  He doesn't want it.  He said every appointment in the last 2 months that I've missed they have been trying to convince him to take the extra medication.  I wanted him to feel like he had back up.  The doctor asked me if I had something to add to the conversation when it was wrapping up.  This is the first time he has asked me that and I explained what my concerns were about adding yet another medication.  I indicated that my son and I had discussed this and I also indicated that I don't live with him and I turned to my ex and asked if he noticed anything different than what I was stating.  The entire time I was in the doctor's office when my son and I were speaking I saw him out of the corner of my eye shaking his head.  I knew he disagreed and was giving him a chance to share his concerns.  Nope.  Said nothing.  We left the office and were talking outside and he blew up.  Would not let me or my son finish a thought, was completely passive aggressive, indicated that he was the one that was taking care of my son and I had no right to have these discussions with him.  Wow.  Ok, I took a breath.  I calmly said that wasn't fair.  That I have taken care of these children since before they were born and I understood his frustration but that was below the belt.  He proceeded to get into his car and scream at us and I calmly asked him to please discuss how he was feeling and help us to understand.  I treated him as I would anyone that was hurting.  I told him we cared (I don't---I'm being honest here) and that I understood he was upset and then it came out.  He was furloughed for the week without pay.  Bam-  there it was.  That was his issue.   Money.  Work.   Nothing had changed in the 34 years that I've known this man.   He left and my son and I got in my car and after calming HIM down now we made a plan for the few hours we would have together.  He asked me to come up to the apartment because he needed to do something and wanted me there as a buffer.  I handled my ex, as I have for the last 26 years by providing a buffer so my kids didn't have to deal with his misplaced anger.  It was easier than ever before because I don't care anymore.  His actions can't affect me the way they used to, I don't have any skin in the game so to speak.

I spent the next few hours with my son.  Discussing everything and anything as we always do.  It breaks my heart to watch him dissect his life and blame himself for his past actions.  He discussed failures.....I told him there were no failures in life.  The only failure is in not trying.  Being afraid to try and also to hold onto something long after it's expiration date.  I used my marriage as an example.  I said I didn't consider my marriage a failure because I have my 3 most precious gifts in life as a result of that union.  I also learned so much about what I don't want in life so that I can focus on what I do want.  He apologized yet again for how he hurt and destroyed me over the last 7 years.  I told him that he didn't destroy me---I became the person I am because he made me see myself differently.  He helped me to grow as a person and I was grateful for that.  He looked stunned.  I hope I got through to him.  I needed more time with him.  I wanted more time with him.  I hate leaving him.  He needed to get to work and I know he needed time alone to process what I had said and what had transpired.

I got in the car to drive home and I felt....I don't even know what I felt.  I was just numb.  I realized that I had removed so many things in my life that caused me pain.  So many people that caused me to feel angry and hurt and frustrated.  This altercation brought back SO much of the past that I had forgiven and forgotten....why?  Why was I being reminded of the reasons my marriage didn't work?  Why was I being shown that my ex husband has not changed at all, at ALL?  Why was I being reminded of how viscous and mean he could be and how I used to respond the same way?  So that I could see how much I've changed?  That I could see WHY I used to treat others that way when I was hurting?  To break this pattern once and for all?  I don't know.  All I knew was that I was shattered.  I wanted to scream of my hatred for this man...I wanted to do what I used to and call whoever would listen and get it all out---to scream about the unfairness of the situation and have someone make it better.  Not this time.  Never again.  I was the only person who could get these feelings out, to repair this damage he had inflicted once again. No one can fix me except me.

Trigger one - insinuating that I wasn't a good mother, because he was taking care of our son.  Response:  I never stopped taking care of my son.  And honestly, why do I care what he thinks?  His opinion of me doesn't count!

Trigger two - not letting me finish my sentence and allowing me to explain my point of view. And then shutting down and leaving without resolving anything.  Response:  when someone isn't in a place to receive what I have to say or what I have to give I have to stop trying.  It's not going to work.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I spent most of my adult life trying to make this man happy.  Giving up what I wanted or needed to just keep peace.  I will never allow myself to do that again for anyone or anything.  I was a people pleaser.  I never looked at myself that way because it isn't all people.  It's people I love.  Then I thought about it.  I realize I didn't even know what love was for most of my life.  What I had been searching for is someone to love me.  To make me feel loved.  I think that's why my oldest was able to destroy me the way he did....because he was my first love.  He was the first person to love me.  Truly love me.  He appreciated everything I had to offer.  He allowed me to love him totally and completely and without thought for myself.  That is what I wanted.  That is how I wanted to love someone.  It made me feel good enough.  For the first time in my life.  Being a mother made me feel good enough.  My younger son and my daughter just continued that.  I think that's why I devoted everything I had to being a mother----I was good enough.  Maybe that's why I couldn't accept love before that---I didn't feel worthy.

My younger son asked me what I wanted him to bring on Mother's day.  I told him I'd make fajitas---he was like ummm it's Mother's day.  I said I know, but this is what I love.  I love cooking and I never get to do it anymore.  He said ok (which is shocking because he fights me all the time to allow him to take care of me).  I realized that morning that all those years when I didn't want to lift a finger on Mother's day it wasn't about needing to be pampered----it was because I wanted my ex husband to WANT to pamper me.  I wanted him to appreciate me!  I have so few things that I want or need in life and he didn't fulfill any of them except financially.  Once I got divorced it wasn't that I didn't want to allow my children to spoil me on Mother's day, it was that I didn't need it.  All I ever wanted for any holiday was a letter from them (and what a doozy from my daughter this year--wow!)  But I now realize that THEY might need it.  They want to show me that appreciation.  But honestly?  They show me every day!  From my oldest sending texts of love and asking how I am, my middlest always being there when I need him and never making me ask, and my daughter's love notes on the coffee maker or on my wallet and being my partner in crime....I'm so damn blessed with these humans that I created.  I don't need Mother's day.  That's not to say the flowers and mask (yes 2020 Mother's day hits differently) and the stunning diamond necklace I wasn't thrilled.  I was stunned and cried, of course and I accepted it graciously because I know it made them happy to do it.  I've grown up enough to allow others to do things for me too.

I am all over the place damn.  Fast forward to today.  I don't need someone else to validate that I am enough.  I know that I am.  I know that I am worthy.  But what a fucking journey to get here, but after all---it's just a day in the life.