The miracle God gave to me, gives me strength when I am weak....in my daughter's eyes

Apparently today is National Daughter’s Day. Who knew? In my eyes EVERY day is national daughter's day. And I have the best. I had the strangest dream last night and I had to ask Chat GPT to interpret it because I knew it was important. There was a party, then a snake that turned into an alligator and then into the cutest little Simba like Lion cub. In the dream I was trying to keep the snake out of the house and as I was going to take the dog out - Bam, the snake slid under the door and turned into an alligator. I was kicking it in the mouth trying to keep it from attacking my daughter, myself, and the dog. I was calling for my daughter to get something I was going to use to defeat the alligator and while she was looking for whatever it was I led the alligator out of the house. It then turned into the cutest little simba like lion cub. Chat GPT asked where the fear was while I was fighting the snake and the alligator- my stomach, throat, chest? Fear? What is that? I did not feel fear, I said, I was too busy protecting my daughter and the dog. 🤔 Well apparently that changed the whole thing. What stood out to me was that Chat said that even though my daughter was not actively involved she was learning everything she needed by watching me.... learning her lessons and how to behave from observing me all these years.

That got me thinking back over so many times. When I decided to get

divorced.  What struck me the hardest was watching her play with her dollhouse and I thought - Oh my- she is going to think this is how a husband treats his wife. This is a healthy marriage.... oh no, we cannot have that! So, I was not strong enough to leave for myself but for her? Absolutely! Then fast forward through the next 13 years and she has watched me handle---well.... A LOT! And she has learned not to quit.  Not to give in.  She has learned how to set boundaries and find her voice.  Lately she has reminded me so much of my younger self, only stronger and smarter and definitely more beautiful!  She has been watching, and I am grateful she picked up on the strengths.

 

I am so grateful that I have had her all to myself for the last 3 years.  It has been just the two of us as we finally were able to regulate our nervous systems after over a decade of pain, grief, chaos, disappointment, betrayal and so much more.  We have forged a bond that I can confidently say will never be broken.  Obviously, I will always have her back, I am her mom, but I also know she has mine.  I know that no matter what, she will always be my ride or die.

 We have decided it is time to rejoin the world and begin to make a life for ourselves here.  We went to an event the other night and we were put

into separate groups.  I watched her from afar mingle and get to know people and my heart was bursting with pride.  She is all the best parts of me.  When the end of the evening came, she was waiting at the door for me and my new friend said, "there's your beautiful daughter" and I smiled and as we all started chatting they said "you guys have an accent" - try as I might I just can't seem to escape that, but my daughter was so happy!  She said, “I love hearing that!" And as we talked more someone said - "you are so much alike!"  We laughed and I swore I could not have been prouder.  She has grown into the most fabulous human being, and I am just so incredibly grateful to have had this time with her, just the two of us, as the next phase of life starts.  And it is starting.... I feel it.  I know she will be able to manage whatever life throws at her and she HAS learned from watching me...I can see that.  But today while we were out exploring the world separately, I let out a heartfelt prayer - Lord please protect her heart.  Please send her people to lift her up and appreciate her for the incredibly kind and smart and amazing person she is.  And send her a man who will love her unconditionally.  Please do not let her heart be broken the way mine has - please spare her that part of life. Send her a partner

who will support her and love her and not let her down - someone who knows how very blessed he is to have captured her heart - because she deserves EVERY good thing in this world and what is more? She's earned it! In watching me battle what life has thrown over the last decade especially she has already lived through more than a young girl should---let the next chapter lead to her happily ever after, because she is the best of me and deserves the best life has to offer.  And not just a day in the life!

 

No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....

 To say I am emotional today would be an understatement.  I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why.  I am not a nervous person at all.  I cannot shake it.  I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go.  But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.

I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it.  But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else?  No clue.  But here goes....

I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter.  He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her.  He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that.  He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad.  I fought back the tears and said "I sure did."  My dad was my hero.  He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me.  How fucking lucky am I?  To have had this man take care of me my entire life.  That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled.  Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes?  Maybe.  But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.

But.....that made me think of my daughter.  And that's when the tears truly fall.  She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post.  But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me.  Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them.  I know this.  But I had 2 parents that did that.  My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine.  She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband.  She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old.  Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way.  But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go.  She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him.  And she is happy.  She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told.  So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on.  Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky.  I don't know.  

I just feel like she deserves the world.  She has truly been the most perfect child since birth.  She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter.   When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom?  For people to compare her to me?  She is just that fabulous!  She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all.  In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has.  Some people just are incapable of any more.  And it is his loss for sure---

But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it?  And it hurts her deeply?  How will I fix that?  How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right?  I am not sure I will.  I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs.  Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.

Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl

Because I'm 18 and I still live with my parents, yeah they're not like yours

 Happy 18th Birthday to my answered prayer.

That's right.  Today is a very special day!  18 years ago my daughter's best friend was born.  As a mom I have prayed since before my children were born for the right people to surround them in life.  My prayers for my daughter were different than those for my sons.  Not much, but there was one key difference.  For my daughter I prayed for her to find that one best friend that she would keep for life.  I have had several of those friends during my life, but I never had that one that lasted my whole life.  Eighteen years ago today my daughter's bestie was born.

When I took this picture as they drove away to graduation, I was so emotional.  I made them both promise to always stay close and remain as true to each other as they have been.  they laughed at me but promised!  It was in that moment that I realized my little Gracie Lou Freebush was the answer to that prayer I prayed so often during my daughter's life.  And I could not have chosen a better soul sister for my little girl.

And today I got to watch them in action and it is truly amazing.  Amazing how two young women could be so similar and so strong and so supportive of each other.  They have the same sense of humor (which is not easy because half the time no one else can understand what they're saying 😂  

Normally, I would have made a post for her on social media---but since I have gotten off of social media, this was the next best thing.  One of the things I love about GracieLou is how sweet she is.  She thinks about my LuLu's feelings and everyone else's feelings usually before her own.  She is 

honest, and funny and she is never afraid to be honest.  She is brave.  She stands up for what she believes in.  Soon she will go off to her next phase of life....college in South Carolina. I know Lulu will be heading up there to visit her soon.  What I love about their friendship is that they support and want the absolute best for each other----that is something I did not find until I was much older!  They are so lucky to have found this type of friendship so young in life.  There is no drama between these two, they are upfront and honest and so articulate (which is incredible since their high school clearly did not teach them this).

So, as you venture off to your next phase of life, my little GracieLou Freebush I hope you know how much you are loved and valued.  I pray that you always stay true to yourself and know how damn AMAZING you are!  Never doubt that (remember the conversation in your kitchen).  You will always have a place in our home no matter where that ends up being 😊.  

I love you like you are my very own (and trust me----that doesn't happen often, you know this!)  Happy Happy Birthday little Gracie Lou!  

Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...welcome to the final show!

 Today, my youngest child has her last day of high school.  Wow.  The end of an era.....the end of what feels like is my whole life and I am sure feels like it's been her whole life too.  She got picked up this morning, which made yesterday the last day I drove her and it was unbeknownst to me which was fabulous! .She got her cap and gown yesterday, but luckily I did not have too much time to get emotional because we had a dress disaster (note to anyone--do not order a dress with a pouf to go under a graduation gown unless you want to look like you are much larger than you are!

We have both been very busy and distracted these last few weeks.. She's been really enjoying her friends and activities and just really GOOD stuff.  But, she is my daughter through and through.  Last night as we had dinner and caught up on life she said that she was really drained.  It is catching up with her, all this social stuff.  We are definitely the same in that we need down time alone in order to recharge.  I think Monday it will possibly hit her--but I do not know.  This little girl whoops, this young woman has been through so much in her 18 years on this planet and she handles it all like a boss, I am not sure how it will affect her.  I just see a lot more emotion lately so I have to think it's all boiling up under the surface.  She thanked me on Monday for always showing her strength and how to handle things like a "bad ass bitch"--- it's funny, I feel like I have shown my kids my weakness more times than I can count---they have seen me at my worst, where I am crying so hard I cannot breathe.  But I guess, when it matters....when life really knocks me down, all they see is that I get up again and hold my head up and do what needs to be done.  And they follow suit.  I guess, that's what matters right?

I do not remember making a fuss over my son's last day of school---I guess it did not occur to me because I was excited for their next phase of life.  I knew it was not an ending but a beautiful exciting beginning. Also, they never seemed to make a big deal out of stuff like that.  For my daughter this is all a very big deal.  She told me her brother (cream filling) texted her this morning about it---she was really happy about that.  Normally, my daughter does not care about milestones or getting attention or recognition, so it's a really hard thing to know when she wants a fuss and when she does not.  But I know this is a huge event for her.  I hope I did not miss the boat with my sons, but hey, I am sure they would have mentioned it by now 😉  It is just that as my daughter ends this part of life, I am ending it with her.  And like many of her friends have confessed to me, they don't know what the next chapter looks like and they're scared.  Me too sweetie, me too. But it will all work out.  Maybe not how you thought, maybe not how you planned, but it will

She received the gold honors cord, my baby girl.  This kid missed more school than is legal.   But she always handed in her assignments and took pride in her work. Throughout these last four years alone she has dealt with moving, missing school to travel and be a bridesmaid in three weddings, cheer competitions, illness/turmoil in our immediate family, people she loves letting her down, a pandemic, rushing down several times to take care of her grandfather and ultimately the death of her grandfather-that is a lot for a high schooler to handle.   I know on Wednesday as I see her cross that stage I will feel that feeling of pride....that feeling of love swell in my chest.  The feeling of gratitude that God gave me this precious human being to raise and to love---and she is miraculous. I am so blessed to be the keeper of her secrets, her guidance system, her go to person.  I am sad that my extended family will not be at this graduation.  She was only given a limited number of tickets and she did not want to choose.  My oldest son will not be there as things are rocky with him right now.  I have always felt my daughter got the short end of the stick in so many ways.....this is no different.  She deserves a parade!  But instead, she'll get a moving truck and yet another goodbye as her brother moves back to Arizona.  She will get a time of uncertainty as we figure out what our next move is.  I know that this girl is tough as nails.  She rolls with the punches and finds the blessings in every situation.  She is grateful for the little things.  And I know that God is going to bless her with a magnificent future with more than she could ever imagine.  He will send her a husband who loves and adores her, and beautiful, healthy children and she will be the center of their world.  She will have a career that she loves until the time comes for her to focus on that beautiful family.  Because that is what she dreams of and she deserves nothing less. 

So, as I prepare to watch her embark on this next chapter I will continue to pray, and hold her close and cherish every moment with this beautiful human being and realize that in the grand scheme of things....it's just a day in the life.