No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....

 To say I am emotional today would be an understatement.  I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why.  I am not a nervous person at all.  I cannot shake it.  I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go.  But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.

I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it.  But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else?  No clue.  But here goes....

I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter.  He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her.  He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that.  He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad.  I fought back the tears and said "I sure did."  My dad was my hero.  He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me.  How fucking lucky am I?  To have had this man take care of me my entire life.  That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled.  Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes?  Maybe.  But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.

But.....that made me think of my daughter.  And that's when the tears truly fall.  She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post.  But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me.  Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them.  I know this.  But I had 2 parents that did that.  My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine.  She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband.  She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old.  Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way.  But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go.  She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him.  And she is happy.  She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told.  So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on.  Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky.  I don't know.  

I just feel like she deserves the world.  She has truly been the most perfect child since birth.  She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter.   When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom?  For people to compare her to me?  She is just that fabulous!  She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all.  In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has.  Some people just are incapable of any more.  And it is his loss for sure---

But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it?  And it hurts her deeply?  How will I fix that?  How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right?  I am not sure I will.  I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs.  Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.

Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl

The future is now.....

I'm trying to live in the moment.  I'm trying to not focus on anything but today and enjoying what it brings.  I was succeeding.  I was sitting at the beach and just feeling peaceful.  I was imagining myself someday having a small condo near the ocean where I could write and just be.  I'm starting to feel happier alone then I am with people.  Within 10 minutes of plopping my ass on the sand I was getting texts from my oldest son about the state of the world and our government and I began to get stressed.  Then my middle son came and sat down next to me and started rattling off a billion things about the future---colleges, cars, taking his driving test, seeing his friends this weekend after we get home.  I was annoyed.  I started to cry.  I looked at him and said "Can I PLEASE just enjoy right now?"  He looked hurt and I felt bad for a second, then I let it go.  It was too late, the frustration and sadness came.  Damn it!  What is it about men that can do that to me?  My ex husband used to stress me out ALL the time!  I realized that this vacation to Florida was the best I'd ever had-----there's a reason for that.  I have no man in my life to answer to.  I have no one to rain on my parade.  I don't blame the men I've had in my life, I blame myself for allowing it to happen.  Why am I so affected by their energy?  Why have I lived my life to this point taking on whatever the men in my life were feeling?  Why do I still allow it to happen with my sons, not just my partners?  I don't know.  

When I had gone to marriage counseling years ago within 3 minutes the counselor told me I had daddy issues.  Mind you the reason we were there was that my ex husband had joined a dating site and was chatting with some girl on line and on the telephone---but ok, I HAD daddy issues.  Instantaneously I was annoyed.  Somehow this was MY fault?  No, don't think so---thanks bye now!  We never went back.  Over the last 15 years since that happened I have often had those thoughts come to me whenever I realize I allow men to affect me too much.  I happen to have an AMAZING relationship with my daddy---and I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't.  When I was younger yes he was strict but not so much that I was scarred by it.  I never wanted to disappoint my parents, but I feel that's what good parenting does to you.  My kids don't want to disappoint me either---I don't see anything wrong with that.  I do remember our household revolving around my dad---I don't see anything wrong with that either, he was/is a hardworking, loving man who wanted nothing but the best for his family.  He never put his own needs first, he just did what was needed for the 5 of us.  He treated my mother like a queen --bringing her flowers every month on the day of their anniversary.  Every Valentines day I woke up to candy and a stuffed animal from my daddy.  Saturday nights he'd come home from work with special bakery treats for us on Sunday morning.  Hmmm....daddy issues?  Maybe.   Maybe my issue is that no man in my life has ever lived up to my dad.  I tried to be that wife, like my mom was, that did everything for her husband to make his life easier.   I tried to greet him at the door like a king---it backfired royally.  My ex-husband just took that as an opportunity to expect more from me and give less.   My dad never discussed any issues he had he just took care of them---that's what I do.  However, I was always the one who wanted everyone to come to me and tell me about what was bothering them---talk to me---I'll help you fix it.  Well that was great, except now that my boys are older I CAN'T fix everything and even if I can they don't always listen to my advice.  So I have to learn not to take their problems on myself and let it change my energy--HA!  Good luck.  It makes me sad that I am imagining my future alone on the beach rather than in the big house with the porch covered in grandchildren that I used to envision.  How did this happen?  Is this a bad change?  What happened to the person I was just a year ago?  It's all happening too fast!

I took a moment on the beach to wipe my tears and talk to my daughter.  She is such a free spirit, so happy go lucky---she's me when I was a kid!  I want her to stay that way!  She was busy writing initials in the sand (mine and the man she wants to be her dad) and protecting it from the tide.  I told her "Em, promise me you will never let a boy change who you are!  Don't let a boy, or anyone else for that matter, steal your joy."  She wiped my tears with a sandy hand and said with a giggle "of course mama!"....and there is still hope <3