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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The future is now.....

I'm trying to live in the moment.  I'm trying to not focus on anything but today and enjoying what it brings.  I was succeeding.  I was sitting at the beach and just feeling peaceful.  I was imagining myself someday having a small condo near the ocean where I could write and just be.  I'm starting to feel happier alone then I am with people.  Within 10 minutes of plopping my ass on the sand I was getting texts from my oldest son about the state of the world and our government and I began to get stressed.  Then my middle son came and sat down next to me and started rattling off a billion things about the future---colleges, cars, taking his driving test, seeing his friends this weekend after we get home.  I was annoyed.  I started to cry.  I looked at him and said "Can I PLEASE just enjoy right now?"  He looked hurt and I felt bad for a second, then I let it go.  It was too late, the frustration and sadness came.  Damn it!  What is it about men that can do that to me?  My ex husband used to stress me out ALL the time!  I realized that this vacation to Florida was the best I'd ever had-----there's a reason for that.  I have no man in my life to answer to.  I have no one to rain on my parade.  I don't blame the men I've had in my life, I blame myself for allowing it to happen.  Why am I so affected by their energy?  Why have I lived my life to this point taking on whatever the men in my life were feeling?  Why do I still allow it to happen with my sons, not just my partners?  I don't know.  

When I had gone to marriage counseling years ago within 3 minutes the counselor told me I had daddy issues.  Mind you the reason we were there was that my ex husband had joined a dating site and was chatting with some girl on line and on the telephone---but ok, I HAD daddy issues.  Instantaneously I was annoyed.  Somehow this was MY fault?  No, don't think so---thanks bye now!  We never went back.  Over the last 15 years since that happened I have often had those thoughts come to me whenever I realize I allow men to affect me too much.  I happen to have an AMAZING relationship with my daddy---and I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't.  When I was younger yes he was strict but not so much that I was scarred by it.  I never wanted to disappoint my parents, but I feel that's what good parenting does to you.  My kids don't want to disappoint me either---I don't see anything wrong with that.  I do remember our household revolving around my dad---I don't see anything wrong with that either, he was/is a hardworking, loving man who wanted nothing but the best for his family.  He never put his own needs first, he just did what was needed for the 5 of us.  He treated my mother like a queen --bringing her flowers every month on the day of their anniversary.  Every Valentines day I woke up to candy and a stuffed animal from my daddy.  Saturday nights he'd come home from work with special bakery treats for us on Sunday morning.  Hmmm....daddy issues?  Maybe.   Maybe my issue is that no man in my life has ever lived up to my dad.  I tried to be that wife, like my mom was, that did everything for her husband to make his life easier.   I tried to greet him at the door like a king---it backfired royally.  My ex-husband just took that as an opportunity to expect more from me and give less.   My dad never discussed any issues he had he just took care of them---that's what I do.  However, I was always the one who wanted everyone to come to me and tell me about what was bothering them---talk to me---I'll help you fix it.  Well that was great, except now that my boys are older I CAN'T fix everything and even if I can they don't always listen to my advice.  So I have to learn not to take their problems on myself and let it change my energy--HA!  Good luck.  It makes me sad that I am imagining my future alone on the beach rather than in the big house with the porch covered in grandchildren that I used to envision.  How did this happen?  Is this a bad change?  What happened to the person I was just a year ago?  It's all happening too fast!

I took a moment on the beach to wipe my tears and talk to my daughter.  She is such a free spirit, so happy go lucky---she's me when I was a kid!  I want her to stay that way!  She was busy writing initials in the sand (mine and the man she wants to be her dad) and protecting it from the tide.  I told her "Em, promise me you will never let a boy change who you are!  Don't let a boy, or anyone else for that matter, steal your joy."  She wiped my tears with a sandy hand and said with a giggle "of course mama!"....and there is still hope <3
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