Today I received a text that pretty much woke me up out of a negative place. You know....that place where you focus on what you don't have instead of being grateful for what you do have?! Yea....that one.
Yesterday I woke up with knots in my stomach for many reasons. Unfortunately, lately, that's been more the norm than I care to admit. I usually shake myself out of it at some point during the day but yesterday I had a feeling it wasn't going anywhere. Yesterday marked the day 23 years ago that I became a mom. Now, before you go thinking I'm making it about me hear me out! My oldest son decided 3 years ago he didn't want to celebrate his birthday anymore. His 21st passed without us even muttering happy birthday at his request. It was a month after my mom passed away so I was already in mourning so it was just another shaker of salt in an already open wound. Last year we were able to say Happy Birthday but no special dinner, no cake....very difficult for me, but it wasn't ABOUT me, it was about honoring his wishes. I was feeling ok about it because at least I got to spend the day with him and I sang in my head and the day before I said "still in labor" about 12 times to myself instead of out loud. This year....well....he worked all day. I was lucky to catch him at 2 am the morning of and I said Happy Birthday and gave him his card before stumbling to bed. My daughter and I baked special cookies and left them out and as she said "even though there are no candles at least it's something special". I'm not going to lie, it is really difficult to just ignore the day that marks a before and after in my world. And it makes me so sad that a day that used to involve 3 months of planning now passes without acknowledging it.
My first act yesterday morning was to meditate to take away the ugly feelings I was having. I was guided to a book that I rarely open. It's called God Calling by AJ Russell. It has a different message for every day of the year. Yesterday's was brilliant....
"I am with you to guide you and help you. Unseen forces are controlling your destiny. Your petty fears are groundless. What of a man walking through a glorious glade who fretted because ahead there lay a river and he might not be able to cross it, when all the time, that river was spanned by a bridge? And what if that man had a friend who knew the way-had planned it-and assured him that a not part of the journey would any unforeseen contingency arise, and that all was well? So leave your foolish fears, and follow Me, your Guide, and determinedly refuse to consider the problems of tomorrow. My message to you is trust and wait."
The tears began to flow after the first two sentences. Of course, how could I forget. My entire demeanor was changed and my outlook on the day and my life brightened. It was all going to be okay no matter what. God had brought me over that bridge so many times before and although what was waiting on the other side was not always what I thought I
wanted it was always better and what I needed.
This morning I received a text message from a friend whose son was in a horrible car accident in December, right before Christmas. She sent me a video of her son, who has been unresponsive, moving his index finger at the command of his doctor. Tears? Goosebumps? You have no idea! To think that such a small movement could bring such jubilation! Such hope and promise! I was reminded how grateful I need to be for the incredible life I've been given. I have so so much to be grateful for! I have 3 amazing, healthy, smart children, a dad who at nearly 87 years old still works and has an active social life and is healthy, nieces and nephews that are smart and funny and healthy and loving, a sister and a brother who are there for me always if I need them, bosses who are like family to me and who appreciate me and make my life so much easier, friends who check up on me all the time, and understand that as of late I've not wanted to talk much-who is luckier than me? This will be my focus as I go forward this Spring, of all that I have not what I don't. After all......it's just a day in the life!