Happy 85th Birthday in Heaven Mommy (your 5th one!)

Happy Birthday mommy!  It's strange, now that Richie calls me woman I don't feel right calling you that anymore.  When I think of you I feel like a child again and mommy seems right.  I hope everyone is giving you a huge party and celebrating you in Heaven.  I miss you so very much it's hard to even comprehend it.   When you first passed I really didn't understand how people could say they missed their loved ones every day and that it got worse as time passed.  I thought, well.....I didn't physically live in the same place as my mom for decades, nor did I speak to her every day, so really what is going to change?  Well, I'm here to say....A LOT!  Knowing that I can't pick up the phone whenever I want and hear your sweet responses to my rant of the day is so much harder than I imagined.  Now, as my children are becoming adults I resonate with you on a whole different level,

I understand now how my calls to you to spill whatever was going on in my life in my mind was me calling a friend, someone who I could trust and who knew me.  Now I realize, as a mother, every time I was hurting and felt better after hanging up with you----you carried that pain.  You thought constantly about what you could do and how powerless you felt when you realized the answer was---not a damn thing.  What you didn't know was that I didn't need you to fix anything---I just needed my mommy.

I understand now how you got tired of doing everything for everyone else.  Like when I would ask you to make me a sandwich because it tasted better when you made it.   I am happy that as time passed I was able to return the favor and make some of your favorites.  Just because you were my mom didn't mean you weren't a person.  I'm sorry for not realizing that until I was way older than I should have been.

I understand now why you were so afraid of getting attached to Richie when he was a baby because you had to leave.  I never knew the pain of missing someone you love so badly that you truly feel that your heart is being ripped from your chest. It's not just painful when someone dies it's just as painful when that person is alive yet you can't see them or be with them.

I understand why you would be quiet when we were all together.  I used to get so annoyed, like your children and grandchildren are all together why aren't you over the moon?  It's because you didn't feel comfortable with our topics, your knowledge of them practically non existent and your fear of being laughed at kept you silent.  I get it now mom.  And I'm sorry I wasn't more patient.

I understand why you never took sides when one of us would come to you with a complaint about the others.  You loved us all and even if you understood where we were coming from, the pain of watching your children do anything but love each other and get along was just too much.  And you also knew that we each had our own sense of reality and somewhere in the middle was the truth.  I get it now.

I understood why you didn't share your feelings and personality with everyone.  You were so selective and I feel so incredibly blessed to know that there are things you shared with me that you never shared with anyone---even Daddy.  I get it mommy.  I've actually become very selective myself.  I know---shocking, but I'm there.  I see so much of you in me now.  All the good. I wish you were here to see it....to be part of it.  We would be even closer.  I know you're with me always.

I truly wish you were here to get to know Emeline.  She still loves that you called her that.  She is....beyond words Mom.  She is the best of you and of me and she's everything that we were not.  She's strong and confident and comfortable in her own skin.  She's just so beautiful mom, inside and out.   You would just cherish every moment with her.  There is so much you could have taught her if you had the chance.

I wish you could have met McKenna.  You would have loved her.  Daniel Boone is everything you always knew he would be.  You saw in him what I couldn't when he was younger and a bullumeister (I have no idea how to spell it).  You would just be so proud of him.  He's really incredible.  I know he wishes he could talk to you -there is so much inside of him that needs his Yaya.

I wish I could say I wish you were here to see Richie evolve, but I know his journey would break your heart in a million pieces.  He identifies with you and relates to you in a whole other way now mommy.  I hope he talks to you and I know you're trying to help him through this lifetime.  It must make you happy that he embraces his German heritage so strongly now.  Please stay with him always.

I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me, you always were.  I'm confident that you would hurt for me in the areas of life that didn't turn out exactly how we'd hoped.  For that, I'm relieved you're not here to witness it first hand.  But, I know you'd be proud of how I always pick myself up and carry on as always, with my head high and a smile on my face.  I learned that from you.  Even though you didn't think you were strong-----I learned it ALL from you!!!  You were stronger than any of us ever realized.  You were the perfect blend of loving and giving yet strong and brave.

I wish you could see how very much you are missed.  My kids talk about you at least once a day.  We see things that make us think of you and we laugh at how you'd react to it.  You live on in each one of us.  And each of us is growing.....by this time next year you'll have three great grandbabies.  I know you're rocking 2 of them right now until it's time for them to be born.

I love you mom.  Happy Birthday!!!!  Make a wish xoxoxo