When I lived back east the first day of spring was an eagerly anticipated day. Usually, it was met with disappointment because winter wouldn't let go of it's ugly grasp. Living in the West and right now visiting the south, the first day of spring means something different. It means new beginnings. It means letting go of the old and what no longer works in my life. Now to figure out how to do that.
My dad asked me yesterday if I'm looking forward to getting back home. I said no. I'm not going to lie and say these last 2 months have been easy, being so spread between home and Florida. It usually means leaving behind someone that I love. In February it was my boys and then having to get home quickly and leave my parents--my mother for the last time. And now, I'm here and my son is home already and I just never feel whole anymore. Something is always missing. It's been torture on my soul and I'm anxious and scared all the time.
I was sitting on the steps outside last night talking to my younger son and my heart was just aching. I have been sad for so long I just don't think I can take it for another minute. It's not just what's been going on this last year with my mom, it's been for a long time. Being in the wrong marriage and relationships in my life left me feeling this way for most of my life. My kids used to fill that void and the sadness didn't overwhelm me like it does now. Fear? That was non existent in my life. Now? sadness and fear engulf me daily. Despite prayer, and meditation and talking it out with my trusted friends. Why? Why can't I shake this feeling. I've felt like something was missing for most of my life. A few years back that feeling went away and I was tricked into thinking it would last. That I would feel whole and complete from then on. I thought the changes I had made and the life I was dreaming of was coming to me. Unfortunately, that was short lived and recovering from having it then losing it is worse than never having it at all.
I realized upon grieving for my mother that I have been in a state of grief for a few years now. I had never felt grief before so I didn't recognize the emotion. It sucks. Now I know that's what I have been feeling. I'm grieving the loss of the most perfect thing I'd ever had. My dad said the other night that he keeps thinking it's a dream and my mom will be back and when he realizes that's not happening it overwhelms him. That's exactly it. That's what it feels like over and over again. Like ripping a bandage off a horrible wound. How do we move on from it? How do you come to terms with the fact that what made you the happiest and completed you is not coming back? Time. I'm sick of time. How many times can your heart be broken before you stand up and move on? I think it's like the owl asking the question about how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop---the world may never know.
My older son came out to me last night while I was hanging up the phone with my middle son and saw I was broken. He and I took a long walk around my dad's complex. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't just couldn't tell him. I changed the subject and we instead discussed our family and how it is a tribute to my parents and the day I had spent with my dad and how hard it is going to be to leave him next week. We finally got back to the condo and my dad was at the door waiting. Ah, what memories that brought back-what I would give to go back to that time! When I had my whole life ahead of me---damn would I do things differently. But then that's what spring is all about, isn't it? New beginnings?
Well, I guess it's time to figure out what those new beginnings are and go out and start them. If only I knew how to change who I am. It's hard to think about my new beginnings when my daddy is handling the worst "new beginning" he will ever have to face, and the thing I want most in my life is lost. I feel like a rag doll being pulled in 5 different directions and all I want to do is go hide from it all. I want to scream what about MY happiness? But I'm made from tougher stuff than that. At least I used to be. I don't recognize myself anymore. Gone are my nasty barbs and my quick retorts to people when I'm angry. I don't even get angry anymore I just get hurt and sad. I don't know what to do with sad --anger was much easier to deal with. I miss the smart mouthed bitch I used to be, she wouldn't be losing sleep over shit she couldn't change, she'd just move on without looking back. What happened to her?! She's not coming back, I know that much. So I'm stuck with this new wimpy version who cries over spilled milk and pines for something she can't have. Yuck. She needs to grow a backbone and realize that she deserves the happily ever after and springtime is just as good as any to go get it.
Happy Spring xo