It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

 I keep thinking about this being the autumn of my life....and this is my first autumn in 20 years and I am so excited!  But then there is the nagging voice that says - honey you're almost in the winter of your life don't kid yourself- I can usually shut that voice up with some chocolate.

This morning during an insightful conversation with my daughter we both came to the conclusion that we treasure peace over anything else.  She reminds me of the me I was in my early 20's.  Before motherhood and my 30's changed my view on life and the world.  When I was still the most important person in my life - I'm bringing that back.  I no longer crave approval from anyone.  It is a definite internal struggle because I still love BIG and I want to make people's lives easier in any way I can .... but it can no longer be at

the cost of my peace.  I have worked way too hard to get to this place of peace and dare I say joy again to lose it.  Is it lonely?  Sometimes.  But I have realized I am no longer willing to beg someone to want me in their life.  If you can't see what I bring to the table or to your life, then I'll remove your seat.  I will always allow people to return - until I don't - so if your seat at my table is gone, I think you need to ask yourself why.  Chances are I gave you everything I had including more chances than you deserved.  

Life is busy these days, full these days.  I have realized that all these years I put people above God.  Not intentionally, but it was a form of worship I am realizing.  And those people have left me, hurt me, ignored me and didn't value me the way that God does. I never have to beg God to spend time with me - to talk to me - to understand my point of view - He just DOES. There are a few people that I have regular contact with. Why is it that I can have daily voice

texts with my friends in Ireland and in Canada but people that I have given so much of myself to can't find 5 minutes to say "hey, how are you?"    Because you make time for the people that matter, that's why! A few of my other loved ones -there was a couple of weeks that life got out of control, and I didn't return their calls (totally unlike me!) and when things calmed down and I apologized they said "Never apologize - I get it!  Call me when you can!"  That is friendship.   In the past I would have stressed out that I didn't respond but I can't do that anymore.  Because hardly anyone does that for me.  I send messages that aren't responded to for days.  People that I have loved with all my heart that never think to check on me.  I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt.  It does....a LOT.  But as I said, I won't push myself in anyone's life ever again.  Now I am working on the hurt and dare I admit, anger that still pops up.  The feeling that I am not important enough to have someone make time for me, to miss me, to see how I am doing.  I know I have an extremely positive outlook on life.... I have faith that can move mountains.  But I am human, and I have struggles and heartache and things that keep me up at night.  Just because I carry it well does not mean it isn't heavy!  But lucky for me Jesus is always just a conversation away and He is always ready to take a seat at my table.   How blessed am I?  And that realization....is not just a day in the life!