What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

I'm a tough bitch.  No... that's not right.  I'm a STRONG bitch....that's better.  I'm still a marshmallow somewhere inside when surrounded by the right people.  The walls that I worked so hard to break down are now back up, higher than ever.  Funny how that works....how quickly they go back up.  I started my day yesterday having a shouting match with my daughter.  Yes, I'm as surprised as you are.  We're best friends.  We talk about everything, her friends tell her how lucky she is to have me.  And I don't need ANYONE to tell me how lucky I am to have her...she's the best.  My kids are the first ones to notice when the walls go up.  I'm different, even around them.  I'm distant and cold and removed.  Not myself at all.  Even when I'm smiling and laughing they see the difference.  They FEEL the difference.  You see....I have the ability to love so deeply that those that receive that love feel it to their core.  It oozes from my pores and it touches everything around me.  It's something I didn't even realize until someone brought it to my attention.  I assumed everyone was the same as I am.  No.  That's apparently not the case.  But the problem with loving like that is that you give the people you love the ability to destroy you.  Crush you like a bug.  And sometimes, if you're not careful, you don't recover, or if you do you are changed for life.  That is what happened to me....before I became stingy with who I give that love to .  Oh, don't get me wrong, I love and I'm generous and kind and supportive to anyone I take the time to have a conversation with.  But THAT love?  No.  That doesn't get passed out anymore.  In fact, the people who get THAT love...the love that gives them the ability to destroy me (and me to trust them not to) that goes to less than 5 people now.  I struggle with it still.  There are people that have gotten that love in the past that still know how to manipulate me and push my buttons and those old familiar feelings of guilt and pain and sadness threaten to overcome me.  But luckily, those people who still get that love pull me right back where I belong.They set me straight.

Yesterday morning...the reason for the shouting match?  I was treating my daughter as if she was like the ones that have destroyed me in the past.  That fear of her possibly becoming that causes me to sometimes keep her at arms length.  It causes me to keep my creme filling son there sometimes too but he won't allow it.  He smashes that wall down before it gets built.  He knows me that well, he sees it...thank God, even before I do.  We are all facing tremendous changes and have been for the last year.  But this year we know the changes are coming and even though we're excited about them, they are still tough issues to face. Another big move and all the change and uncertainty that comes with that. It's causing us to all have an underlying tension behind the smiles and the laughter.  Normally I would be convinced that nothing would break us.  But, this past year I've had a few people make me doubt everything....including my inner knowing and my belief that love conquers all.  That nothing could break something so strong and beautiful.  Nothing lasts forever.  This year has taught me not to share everything that goes on inside of me (yea, you read my blog can you imagine there's more than this lol) with anyone.  My journal has become my go to person.  It's where I let out all the things I don't trust myself to say, the things I don't want to admit to another soul anymore.  Where I relive those moments of pain and doubt and beat myself up for what I should have or could have done differently.  Where I ask....how the hell did I get here?  Why ?  Then I wipe my tears and I open up my other journal where I thank God for all my blessings, because there are many.  I pray and meditate and turn my thoughts to those.  The good things in life.  I have a home, I have 3 people living in this house that would do anything for me and love me no matter what, I have a sister that picks up my pieces more times than I can count, my dad---who gives me hope and strength, my bosses who have become my family-who check on me and get worried if I don't answer them (because apparently my first name is reliable 😉) my cousin JeanMarie who always checks on me when she feels I'm off, Jilly who is there for me no matter what, Kimmy who always reaches out at the perfect time, like she feels my emotions....and through everything in my heart I have the one person who I love unconditionally for the first time in my life I truly know what unconditional love is....how lucky am I? 

For those people who have chosen not to come along on this crazy ride of mine...who have distanced themselves or cut me out of their lives completely....and for those that I've cut out of mine....I send love and light and the hope that one day you'll hold a mirror up and see that maybe you're not perfect and that no matter what I've never pretended to be someone I'm not...can you say the same?  Love me or leave me.....it's just a day in the life.