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How many times have I heard; you are SO strong. You are SO brave. Yeah,Yeah,Yeah. I get it. I am the epitome of Mary sunshine. At least that's what is shown to the world. The handful of people that I reveal my true self to know differently. I ugly cry. I feel the agony of heartbreak. Most people don't know that, my circle is extremely small. Also, in all fairness I rarely stay in a place of despair for long. It is just not who I am. I can find the bright side and silver lining in pretty much any situation. There are a few that I have trouble with. And those are ones that I cannot change....because if I could, I most certainly would. That is why people say I am strong. Because so help me God (and He does!) if I can change something I am unhappy with, damn straight I do! Unfortunately, there are some things that are out of my control - those are the things that make me ugly cry. That make me feel like I truly can't make it through another day with this pain and heartache -----yet somehow, I do. What choice do I have? If I could change it - I would. But I can't - so I won't. Make sense?
Most people are too afraid to change things when they are unhappy with it. Very sad to me. Living in a place of unhappiness or negativity or despair or loneliness is such a waste to me. Nothing is as scary as staying stuck in that place of misery. I think most people are so accustomed to it that they think it's normal. Well, it could be worse, right? Well, everyone is unhappy right? Who is happy most of the time? Ummmm I am! And I can tell you why and how, but you don't want to know. Right? Because if you are in that place, you don't want to change it or you would have already. It is not rocket science. It just takes faith and hope - I think both are so easy to utilize...however I don't think it is for most people. I am blessed I suppose. My faith in God and "meant to be" and His power over my life is my saving grace. I suppose most people don't have that. If they did, they certainly would not settle into the mundane existence they live in.
Change is inevitable, right? If we don't grow, we die. I think a lot of people are terrified of change.
What if I screw it up? I can't do that - how can I do that? My question is - how can you not? How can you live each day feeling anything less than happy? My daughter said to me the other day - "it's so annoying (she was laughing) I cannot even get mad about stuff anymore because I know it is all working out the way it is supposed to". Thank God that side of me rubbed off on her and my creme filling son. He was super unhappy last year in his career and business. Did he wallow in it? Nope. He did what he needed to do to change that situation and although it took longer than he would have liked - he knew it would happen exactly when it was meant to. It makes me feel like even with all the screw ups I made as a parent - this is something I am extremely proud to have passed on to them. Is life simple or easy for them - hell no! They have stuff that comes up just like everyone else. But they choose to change the things they can and pray on whatever they cannot.
And before you grumble to yourself that I don't understand your situation - maybe I don't. However, I have been dealt a hell of a lot of shit in my life (abusive relationships, childhood cancer, bankruptcy twice, mental illness, death of both of my parents to cancer, divorce, getting back into the workplace after 18 years without a college degree, moving across the country and back, alienation from people I love - you get the drill) yet I wake up every day and I am grateful for the good in my life. Wow just typing all that made me depressed I am not gonna lie. Maybe I am delusional....maybe I just don't really think about all I have been dealt. People will say that is why I can be happy. Well, what other choice is there? I could not change any of those things - (except the divorce, I chose that, and I did that to make life better for myself and ultimately my children) so am I supposed to just sit in that misery? What a waste of life. So why are you? Can you change your circumstances? Are you living in a place of resentment or obligation or a life full of shoulds? There is where it needs to change! If you are holding onto unforgiveness or any of the ugly emotions that cause unhappiness - who are you hurting? Not the person you need to forgive - not the job/boss/fill in the blank that you are resenting. You are hurting yourself! You need to learn to accept the apology you never got - you need to stop letting people take advantage of your kindness if that is causing resentment - and your job? Please. If you left tomorrow they would replace you without a second thought - find another job! Life is too short to live in discomfort.
Faith is your secret weapon. If you believe that God is real, then you need to trust that whatever He is putting on your heart is for your best interest. I have written numerous times about times that I knew He was moving me to do things. I never question it; I just do it. And I have never been sorry. Is life always easy? No. Do I know that better days are coming? Yes. Does that mean life will never get hard again? No. Here's what I suggest you do. Take 30 minutes today and think about the main reason for your unhappiness/discomfort/sadness/despair or any other emotion that isn't making your life happy. What is causing it? Can you change it? Then make a plan to do that. If you can't change it - give it up to God. And listen. Feel. What is He putting on your heart? Follow that. Make today not just a day in the life....I promise you won't regret it!
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