The moment I wake up - before I put on my makeup - I say a little prayer for you

 It's just another day....no, no it's not.  Today is the day my mother left this earth 11 years ago to go to a much better place.  I am not one for anniversaries, remembering how many years since xyz happened.  It's not my thing.  Every day is a memory waiting to be made.  But this year I felt today coming.  The heaviness.  The tears.  The longing for just one more moment with her.  As soon as my eyes opened today, I remembered.  I replayed that morning.  The phone call from my brother that I knew was coming.  Debating whether or not to tell my kids or wait until after school (BIG mistake there-they found out from someone else who had no right to say anything).  During times like these we are often so busy planning the moving parts of arranging the things that need to happen after someone's death that we don't have time to actually grieve.  That comes later - and does it ever end?  I'll let you know but so far ummm no.  My daughter and I have an unspoken rule that we just don't mention it - we just know it's on our hearts.  My sister texted me first thing this morning - we are both feeling it extra hard this year for some reason.  My oldest son, similar to my daughter doesn't actually SAY it but he said "I hope you're doing okay today" which is way different than our normal daily check ins.  

I cried to my mom this morning and I asked her for some help (not something I do often - it's usually my dad I call on, because let's face it-he was a badass 😉).  I instantly heard - I'm on it!  I could see her so clearly-if I could only touch her maybe the ache in my heart would go away.  It's funny the older I get the more I realize how much I am like her.  I went to visit my daughter at work (as I often do) and she told me her friend said "Your mom is so cute with her pink lipstick"  I didn't even realize I had it on.  But this morning I was hit so hard when I realized my mother never went ANYWHERE without her lipstick on.  We used to tease her about it and now.....I am her.  I looked down at my hands in church the other day and I noticed the aging-the veins, the spots...and I saw her hands....and mine are soft just like hers were the day I said goodbye to her for the very last time.  I looked in the mirror today as I put on my makeup and I felt her watching me.  She used to love to sit and watch me put on my makeup and she always wanted to try whatever I was using - and wound up stealing it undoubtedly.  I wish I was wearing waterproof mascara because I had a meeting shortly after and I could not stop the tears.  Why did I not cherish those moments more when they were happening?  Why didn't I just stop what I was rushing to do to just sit with her?  I have so many questions I would have asked her.  I was always more comfortable asking my dad questions because he loved to share his wisdom and his lessons.  My mom was definitely not as comfortable with that, so I didn't ask- how I wish I had.

I recently spent a week with my cousins on my mom's side of the family.  My

daughter was chastising me for something I did during the escape room and my cousin said, " I do the same thing!"  and we gave an in-your-face kind of look, and he said it's in our blood, you know we have the same blood, right?  And even though my daughter DID know that she got a strange look on her face and I was a bit taken aback too because there were so many things that I realized that week that I hadn't before.  I guess I always thought the Italian part of me was dominant, but I am realizing that German is pretty strong after all.  

So, I guess like mother like daughter does ring true for me and my mom (I know it does for my daughter and me) and it makes me happy and I hope she is still proud of me, and I know she is watching over my daughter I know she is ridiculously proud of her!  

I miss you mommy....and today will never be just a day in the life.