Just remember til you're home again, you belong to me.

 Today is my birthday.  So many emotions and feelings being dredged up today.  I have been spending these winter days cleaning up playlists and photos on my phone/computer.  And up until today I was really enjoying it.  This morning, I was telling someone how annoying it is to me when people ask if I have any big plans for my birthday.... like it's a Thursday in January.  I'm working...it just happens to be the day my mother decided to give birth to me, I am 61 like what am I doing, going to Chuck E. Cheese?  We had a good chuckle over that one until I realized there is no Chuck E. Cheese in SD - the audacity!  I digress.  It got me thinking about my mom.  How she may have felt on my birthday every year.  How stressed she must have been with my dad driving down the L.I.E. during an ice storm and leaving my siblings home to give birth to me.  Life looks so different when you take a moment to look at things from a different perspective at any given moment, but yes...this one is a big one.  

I decided to play my playlist that is dedicated to her today, hence the title of this blog from the Duprees song "You Belong to Me".  I will always be her little girl, no matter how old I get and how long she's been gone.  I got this overwhelming longing to just be with her.  This perspective today has me wistfully wishing I could just let her brush my hair one more time while I yelp because she was NOT gentle with the tangles 😐 but I would even endure that to just be that little girl for a while. When my birthday was the most important day of my year.   When nothing mattered except being happy and playing all day.  Even as an adult with children of my own, when my parents were with me there was always this little piece of me that felt like I could just breathe.  

I am trying to remember when my birthday started to feel like just another day in the life and if I am truly being honest, it was my 21st.  My parents flew in to surprise me for 1 day (yes, they were THAT fabulous) but of course my boyfriend at the time needed to be picked up (do not ask why-let's just say I liked the bad boys at that time I guess) and when I got to his house he wasn't ready....I was totally freaking out I just wanted to get back to my house to see my parents.  So.....I was doing 90 on the Long Island Expressway---(I wonder if my dad did that the night I was born 😎) My 1972 Dodge began to overheat and there were the flashing lights behind me--did I mention I didn't have any ID or my purse with me?  Needless to say I was frozen in fear.  I guess having a bad boy as a boyfriend came in handy because he definitely was comfortable talking to the Police 😏.  He took the blame told the officer he told me to speed to get off the exit because the car was overheating (smoke WAS pouring out when he popped the hood).  I was really good at getting out of tickets when I lived in NY.  I cried, begged and they eventually let me go.  I cannot even IMAGINE how upset my parents were, we never spoke about it.  I don't even know how long I was gone but when I took him home that night I ended it.  So, that began my birthday's not being stellar...interesting I just realized this now.  The following year the LIRR was on Strike and we drove home from Manhattan in my brother's company van in a blizzard and by the time I got home I was not in the mood for celebrating to say the least....honestly?  I never thought about this until this very moment.  This makes so much sense - yea work on a Thursday looks pretty good now that I think about it.  And at least I got adorable photos and videos of my great nieces today and it didn't even snow!

This week my daughter was extremely sick.  I took care of her, tried to make her life as easy as I could and she apologized and thanked me over and over.  I remember when my mama would take over when I was overwhelmed as a busy mom and I know I probably didn't thank her enough.  I wish I could just go back for one day and stop everything and be with her, be present in her company.  I realized the other day that Catholics don't believe in heaven the way I do - between that and the annulment issues I am REALLY struggling as a Catholic.  Because if I am not reunited with my loved ones, sorry but heaven will be a bit of a disappointment.  Sorry if that's blasphemes but it is how I feel.  Somedays just knowing I will see them again is the only thing that gets me through if I am being real.  And when I do?  I am definitely apologizing for my 21st birthday fiasco - how did it take me 40 years to remember that?!  So, I guess it is not just a day in the life 😇