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Saturday, September 17, 2016

Wake me up when September ends.....

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last month while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

I'm still confused when I think about what state I'm in....where I'm from....this adjustment is still happening.  It's frustrating to me.  I don't like limbo.  I don't like feeling uneasy or unsettled.  But there's a lesson in this I'm sure.  I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, to be quite honest.  I told my sister the other day that I feel like a worn out security blanket that they keep putting back into the washing machine to get another use out of.  You know what I'm talking about...the one that's in tattered shreds and is barely held together?  Yea, that one.  My kids have been really good about understanding that I'm hanging by a thread.  Their compassion for how much I've been through in the past year and a half is really a testament to the type of people I've raised.  It makes me so happy to see.  They love me, no matter what frazzled state I'm in.  I'm sure they are looking forward to the time when their mom is back in full force....and stays that way.  Guess what?  So am I!  I don't like feeling weak.  I don't like being unhappy and I hate complaining.  So I shut down.  It's the only way I know how to cope with all of this.  I trick my mind into believing things that my heart might not agree with.  This has helped me throughout my life to avoid feeling pain or sadness.  I think that mechanism is malfunctioning because at this point in my life it's making me feel weak.  Like I should just face it and move on.  But I just can't do it.  I tried.  I let that wall down for a while and allowed myself to try to work through pain and sadness and anxiety (yes, that's a new one for me) but I just can't do it anymore.  Not when I don't have an end in sight.  Whenever my kids and I would say good bye to our family we would always be fine when we knew when we would see them again---even if that time was almost a year away---we were ok, we knew there was an end to the time apart.  At this moment in time I have no end in sight to these feelings, so the only way to stop them is to shut them off.

I took my first road trip with my daughter yesterday to see my dad.  I would love to say it was the fun exciting trip I think she wanted but it wasn't.  We have the dogs with us and Roxie cried for the first hour of the trip, I slipped and fell at the rest stop, we hit a horrific rain storm.....you get the drift.  Then I walked into my dad's home and it hit me yet again.  She's not here.  He rearranged the furniture when my brother was here last week and I felt angry. NO! mommy put it that way it has to stay!  A far cry from where I was earlier this year thinking it was good that my dad was wanting to change things.  He has a shrine set up to her.....I lost it.  I had to go into the bathroom because I didn't want him or my daughter to see it.  That was a big mistake because all the memories of my the times I spend in front of that mirror with my mom.  I had to shut it down.  I put on the mask and joined them in the living room.  Then my daughter was talking to her brother at college and the tears came again.  I miss him.  I talk to him every day most of the time texting all day too but I miss him. Then I got a text from my oldest son checking on me.  He asked if there was anything I wanted him to do before I got home.  I told him one thing.  He sent me a picture showing me it was already done.  Tears.  Again.  I want so badly to be my usual happy self.  I miss crying happy tears.  I miss being able to deal with whatever life throws me without skipping a beat.  September sucks.  My spiritual friends keep telling me there's a weird energy, mercury retrograde blah blah blah. I'm sure they're right but I don't like to place blame on anything but me.  I'm in control of my actions and feelings.  People telling me that I've been through so much is getting old, I just want to feel better and be happy.

So, today I begin going to back to my meditation schedule, my morning and evening gratitude and living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  Tomorrow isn't promised, I know this, so every day I want to be able to say if it was my last one on earth that I would be satisfied with it.  And after all.....it's just a day in the life.
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