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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Is it worth it? Or is single better?

This is going to be an all over the place kind of entry.  I am warning you ahead of time, but I've been toying with these thoughts for a while and I am not sure I can tie it all up in a nice neat bow but here goes.

I've been divorced nearly 3 years.  I haven't regretted it for a split second.  That being said, I have had the easiest divorce probably in history.  My kids, for the most part have adjusted in a way most people dream of.  It's all part of the plan I know.  That doesn't mean I am an advocate for divorce in any way, shape or form.  I tell everyone that comes to me asking about divorce that if there is a smidgen of love left in your marriage then fight for it!  Don't give up. Where there is love, there is hope.  However, if there isn't any love then by all means do what you need to do for everyone concerned.

I never knew divorced couples until I became one.  I'm sure there were plenty around me, but they didn't come into my direct circle until I started thinking seriously about divorce.  Coincidence?  No such thing.  It was God's way of guiding me, helping me and I was bringing these people into my life through my thoughts and the Law of Attraction.  Now that I am divorced, holy shit, left and right everyone around me is getting divorced!  Is it our age?  The 20 something year mark for marriage?  Maybe.  However, if a relationship isn't working all along I guess that's the time when enough is enough.  There are still those people who stay together for the rest of their lives being miserable too.

Since I got divorced whenever anyone is unhappy in their relationship they are drawn to talk to me about it.  I understand that.  I'm the woman with the Scarlet letter so obviously their sins are safe with me.  They also must figure that I won't be shocked by anything they say---they are right.  I am also not a judgemental person so that makes me easy to confide in. Every body's stories are similar.  I can see both sides in most situations.  It's never one persons fault--in MOST cases.  Which leads me to my question.....is it worth it?

We all come into relationships with expectations and our own baggage.  Most of us start our marriages in our teens or  20s when we truly don't know who the hell we are.   While we are trying to figure that out we can be selfish.  Mean.  Controlling.  Jealous.  And patterns are formed.  "Well I'm not going to do A because she doesn't let me do B."  "No, you can't go out with your friends, I never get to go out with MY friends" people are afraid to give in too frequently for fear of being taking advantage of and communication breaks down.  Feelings are hurt, egos are bruised and walls are built.  After years of these behaviors, relationships become broken and sometimes irreparable.   Someone asked me "so how do you fix it?"  I said well one of you has to love enough to put their own feelings aside and check their ego at the door.  It's important to explain to your partner that you understand where they are coming from.  Tell them you know what you've done wrong.  It's not going to happen overnight, but eventually the change can happen.  But the other party has to be willing too.

It's possible.  It can happen.  But it takes a lot of work, a lot of prayer and a lot of work (yes, I know I said that already).  I feel like everyone is afraid to be alone.  So, people stay together for fear of being alone.  They stay together for "the kids".  The list goes on.  It's all bullshit.  And it makes for very unhappy people.  How is that good for the kids?  The day I realized I was finally going to get divorced was when I looked at my daughter and thought - "What kind of example is she getting?  What is she going to think a marriage looks like?"  That did it for me.  My sons have confirmed that life is much more peaceful and happy since the divorce.  I'm happy.  That makes my kids happy.  

People afraid to be alone.  Why?  If you don't like your own company, you have bigger issues than an unhappy relationship. OR maybe that's why your relationship is unhappy--you are looking for someone else to fulfill your every need---not gonna happen. Is it scary to do things alone after a lifetime of being with someone?  Yea it can be.  I was never not in a relationship since I was 16 years old.  It is weird.  But it's peaceful.  It makes me wonder if being single is better.  I do what I want, when I want with who I want.  I don't have to hear any crap from anyone about it.  It's nice.  A lot of my friends who are divorced are in new relationships.  Some are engaged to be married again.  At the beginning of the new relationship it was all sunshine and roses (literally, the roses--damn they all got a lot of flowers), being wined and dined and all the beautiful new beginnings that relationships bring.  And then reality sets in.  Old patterns are repeated.  Both people react to each other anticipating that the new partner is going to behave like their ex---it's just exhausting.  Is it worth it?  I don't think so.  At the risk of sounding like a bitter, cynical woman I will admit that maybe it's just because for the first time in my life I am not putting anyone else's feelings before my own.  I am learning to find my voice.  I am figuring out what I like and what I don't.  It's about damn time.  I am also learning how to say no without guilt.  It's an amazing feeling of freedom.  I think the longer I am alone the harder it will be to be with someone. Or maybe, I will figure out why all my past relationships have failed and I'll find the magic mix of loving someone so deeply yet not repeating the mistakes.  I'm realizing all the things that I did wrong in relationships---and trying to fix them.  So maybe, just maybe, one day I will feel differently.  Maybe I will feel that it IS worth it.   But in the meantime, I'm enjoying being alone (as alone as a woman with 3 kids can be lol) 
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