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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Letting go and moving on...

If the movie Frozen has taught the world anything it's to "Let it Go".  Now, over the years I have learned to let go of lots of things.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Frustration.  Insecurities. Fear.  People. Perfectionism. Judgements. Critical attitudes.  The list goes on.  I was thinking, I am rocking this releasing and letting go stuff.  I've got it all under control.  Oh. Control. riiiiigggghhhhttt...Yea, I haven't actually mastered letting go of that yet!  I thought I had. However, there is one part of my life that I just can't seem to let go of control.

When my kids were little I was a control freak mom.  They had to look perfect.  Matching outfits for the whole family for holidays.  I was over the top.  I used to stress myself out so much tending to the details of birthday parties and wrapping and just every flipping detail.  And I am NOT a detail oriented person.  As I got older I realized it wasn't worth the struggle.  I was trying to impress people that quite frankly I didn't even like.  Trying to portray the perfect family.  Yeaaahhhh, that was a load of crap.  I became so much happier when I stopped doing that!  So were my kids. OK, so I got this right?  I was cooking with gas.

When my oldest started driving I was a crazy control freak---I made him check in constantly and it was just over the top.  I didn't know how to be the mother of a teenager.  We finally worked that out and I let go of the reins a bit.  I kept telling myself when he's in college I won't know what he's doing.  And I was OK with it (felt guilty for being okay with it actually, but I learned).  Now that the middle one is out with his friends all the time and driving I'm OK.  I'm letting go and it's easy peasy.  I've got this right?  I only offer my advice when it's asked for (which luckily my boys DO still ask) and I don't get all pissy if they don't take it.  That's a huge step for me!  So, what else do I need to learn for cryin' out loud.

Relationships.  Yes,  That's my problem.  And I've gotten better with that for sure!  I have had a lot of people come and go in my life and I used to struggle with walking away from relationships.  It's gotten easier as I've realized that some people come into your life for a reason, a season and very few for a lifetime.  Some people are a blessing and others are a lesson.  Usually I can tell the difference.  My intuition guides me in the right direction and when I trust it I can guarantee my decision will be the right one.  The problem is, sometimes I doubt that intuition and that's when the trouble ensues.  When I was younger I would get all angry at certain things and fly off the handle when I felt I was being treated unfairly.  I am a very all or nothing person.  I don't like to waste time with things or people that are bringing me sadness or stress.  I'm also a loving and caring person.  When I love you, I love you with everything I am.  I'm a loyal, loving and I'll give you whatever I have and do whatever I can to help you.  The flip side of my personality is that if you treat me badly and show yourself to not be deserving of my devotion and you betray me well I can write you off and never look back.  I don't have guilt about it either, because up until that time I have given everything I could to the relationship.  I have had pretty much every person that I have left behind in my life come back at some point and want to reconnect.  I am forgiving to a fault and I will forgive and move on.  So, I have the let it go stuff pretty much under control right?  Maybe.

There is one relationship in my life that I just can't seem to let go of.  I don't want to, that's probably it.  It's the first time in my life I can't just walk away with a clean break.  It's frustrating me.  It's not benefiting me in any way.  It's breaking my heart and stressing me out actually.  So why can't I just let it go?  My intuition is saying that I'm not supposed to.  But how do I know that it's not just wishful thinking?  How am I supposed to move forward in my life? When everything I see is pointing one way so obviously, why does my heart say no, that's not how it is.  This has never happened to me before and quite frankly it's left me very sad and frustrated.  I've spent the last nearly 20 years learning to let go of that which is bringing more negative than positive into my life yet I can't seem to get past this one.  Some days I do great and feel like it's all good, I'm moving on and past it and yet others it's as fresh as it was on day 1.  I know that whatever I am supposed to take from this will come to me and help me be better and stronger in the long run.  I just wish the long run wasn't taking so long.  In the meantime, I will practice letting go and call on my angels and God to help me through it and take each day as it comes.  After all.....it's just a day in the life <3
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