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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Changes....turn.and face the strange.....

My life is blowing full steam ahead.  My faith is carrying me.  My stomach and brain are having difficulty on certain days realizing that.  I find myself riding the roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis.  Normally I keep it all to myself and work through it so that it doesn't seem so crazy, however I have someone in my life now that picks up on my every voice change and I can't hide it.  It's an incredible feeling to have someone love you that much.  It's also scary as hell because I run this risk of tainting that love by being such a whiner.  And then of course because it's already out there I decide to write about it.  It really helps to get it all out there, and maybe, someone reading this needs to hear it too.

I know that everything will fall into place perfectly.  It always does. Maybe it's just the changes that have me reeling.  Within the next two months I will be moving across the country and taking my son to college, sending my daughter to middle school and starting life all over.....again.  It's all exciting, it's all things I want to happen, but all at once?  Of course...I can handle it.  With God on my side I can handle anything.

I booked my hotel rooms for my son's orientation and for Parents weekend.  I truly feel like I'm in denial about the whole thing.  Maybe God is protecting me by giving me all the other stuff to think about.....moving, packing, finding a house, getting my daughter registered at school, physicals, the list goes on.  Because, truth be told, when I think about leaving my son at college I can't breathe.  Four years ago when my oldest went away to school I was going through a divorce and moving and packing .....again being protected from too much time to think.  He told me something recently about when we left him in his dorm room.  I can't get the vision out of my mind and when I think about leaving my younger son and I feel sick.  I am realizing that he has been....everything for me these last 4 years.  He is a protector, a confidant....he's just been so much more than just my son.  When my oldest turned 17 he began to separate from me, in preparation for him becoming an adult.  My younger son hasn't done that AT ALL.   I have found myself separating from him to try to make it easier on both of us.  He won't let me.  So, what do I do?  Continue to have this bond be so close and have both of us deal with the shock of not having each other right there all at once, like ripping off a band aid?  I'm not sure.

I don't normally miss people, or things or places.  I am an out of site out of mind person.  I live in the moment and missing someone requires living in the past.  My oldest used to come home every other weekend during his first semester of college and then once a month the second semester.  Our relationship was less than stellar during his sophomore year of college so the fact that he didn't come home wasn't a big deal to me.  It made for peace in the house.  I adjusted quickly to not seeing his face every day.  Now that he's back and things between us are back to the incredible relationship we had before it makes me realize that things with my younger son will be fine.  But I'm realizing lately that he is my go to kid.  He's the one I ask to do everything for me or with me.  He's the first one to go out of his way to make my life easier.  He's the one that needs my advice and opinion the most.  He's the one that reminds me of how I used to be and how much I've changed.  He's the most like me in a lot of ways.  He's the one that knows what to say when I'm upset, or happy or stressed.  What am I going to do without him?  The thought of saying goodbye to him makes my heart ache.  I can't see the words I'm typing because the tears are streaming down my face.  I won't hear his keys in the door or his "Hi mommy, how's your day" when he comes through the door with his arms stretched out for a hug, with that smile on his face, no matter what kind of day he's having.  Our mommy/son dates that started out as his birthday present a few years ago and have become more frequent this past year....I'll miss those so much.  How will I be able to comfort him over the phone and calm him down when he's upset?  What if he tries to not bother me and I don't know he's upset because I can't see his face?  It's all part of the next phase of our lives, it will all be fine, this I know.  But that knot in my stomach is all of this and more.

We are all leaving behind a dozen years of our lives, not just physically but emotionally.  My oldest is so ready.  He will drive away from this place without looking back.  On the contrary, when we left New York HE was the one that was the most upset, so at least this time he'll be great.  My creme filling child will be the most emotional.  He's leaving behind his girlfriend, so many memories of baseball and school and his childhood.  College is a whole different world.  The home we will be living in will only be a pit stop for him for the next 4 years.  My daughter....well this is the only place she remembers.  She's ready for the new, but I know she will be upset too.  Me?  I'm ready!  When I'm done, I'm done.  I've said before that when I move on I don't look back.  I just wish I could stop feeling all of these emotions. I wish I could fast forward to when it's all settled and good. Especially, because the future is so bright I've gotta wear shades....it's just a day in the life.
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