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Sunday, June 5, 2016

I'm hot and I'm cold, I'm yes and I'm no......

This might be one of the entries that gets deleted at some point.  I don't like my ugliness in print, but I always strive to maybe help someone else who might be going through something similar and comes across this.  So be it.  I'm not all sunshine and roses, I have an ugly side too.

I'm sad lately.  Not like depressed sad, just heartbreaking sad.  My stomach has that pit in it and my heart feels broken.  I can't shake it.  I am really trying my best.  I'm trying everything that normally makes me feel better and it's not working.  I want to shut down away from everyone and everything, but no one seems to be letting me do that.  Maybe I'm not supposed to use that to fix things anymore, I don't know.  But I use it as self protection, because I don't like feeling this way.

I'ts 8 am and I've already had an argument with my 22 year old.  It's way too early in the morning to cry, it really is.  Especially when you went to sleep crying.  I'm sick of the tears, really, I'm sick of whining about these feelings I'm having.  THIS is why I shut down.  Because I don't like this side of me.  This side that isn't in check, that doesn't have the answers, that needs someone.  She's a hot mess.  I handle life pretty well on my own.  I have for as long as I can remember.  I used to be like my 22 year old and think I had all the answers.  I used to turn everything someone said around on them and make my point regardless.  Then I grew up.  I learned that my way isn't the only way and that everyone deserves to be heard and understood.  So I became a listener.  I became the person who everyone goes to because I don't judge.  I love that role.  I like helping others feel safe and understood.  My own opinions and feelings didn't need to be expressed because I learned that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought, they were my feelings and opinions and I stood by them. I learned not to argue about them or need to defend them.  It brought me a lot of peace.  But this past week I have had to argue and defend them 4 different times and I'm exhausted.  I don't like having to explain WHY I feel the way I feel.  What flipping difference does it make?  I'm not going to try to sway anyone to feel the same way.  They're my feelings and I don't expect anyone to get it.  But I've been pushed to explain myself this week and only 1 person really got it and got it quickly and we moved on without incident.  One person is now out of my life....for the 4th time.  I don't think I will be letting that door open again.  The other two, well they are two of the closest people in the world to me so it will work itself out, hopefully with minimal damage to the relationships.  But I'm left feeling like I just want to crawl up and cry for a week.

I've spent a great deal of my life swallowing my feelings.  I always felt like the other person was entitled and right and I was being difficult and was wrong.  I've been able to overcome A LOT of past crap but this particular thing I just can't overcome.  I STILL feel like that.  I always feel like I'm wrong.  I'm not sure how I went from that young girl who felt like her opinions and feelings were the ONLY one to this woman who thinks her feelings are wrong always.  I used to always be able to get my point across and have the other person understand, I just can't seem to do that anymore.  I feel selfish and petty and whiny when I express my needs.  I just never feel understood.  And If I do get my point across, at what cost?  I've been accused of being viscous, controlling, dumping whatever I'm upset about on the wrong person....I've worked SO HARD not to be or do any of those things and as soon as someone says those things to me I shut down.  Obviously I haven't learned anything if people still think that.   Obviously I'm not the evolved person I thought I was.

My son just came to me and said he was too exhausted to interrupt me so if I wanted to get my feelings out he would listen.  No thanks.  Not worth it.  I am really getting tired of seeking first to understand and then not being understood.  I'm tired of people uttering words and their actions not matching up.  I'm tired of feeling this anxiousness and nervousness and sadness that I've been carrying around the past 2 weeks.
 I've tried praying, meditating, listening to my inner guidance (great time to shut up guidance!) going out with a friend, taking a nap, making a to do list and sticking to it, spending time with my kids....everything that normally makes this feeling pass and none of it is working.  I've even tried putting up the wall that I normally put up to keep everything at bay while I heal my heart...I can't even do that.  So what's the answer?  How do I escape these awful feelings? I don't know.  I suppose with the extreme and utter joy and happiness I've had in the last 6 months it's only natural to experience the opposite side as well.  What goes up, must come down they say right?  Well at least I know this won't last forever.....it's just a day in the life.
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