A Letter to my Mommy on her 3rd birthday in Heaven

Happy 83rd Birthday Mommy!  How I wish you were here.  Things would be so so different!  I spent the week taking care of daddy.  You would be SO proud of him.  He's really keeping up all of your ways and traditions....the house looks almost like you're still there.  Almost lol.  The new comforter you'd HATE lol and you'd be flipping out over the guest room, but hey....he is who he is 😏.

When I'm there...in your home I feel this odd thing come over me when I'm in your kitchen cooking.  I slow down and I do things the way you would...and I'm so happy. By the way I FINALLY got the pasta fagioli to be the way daddy swears you made it.  Maybe you did make it that way, I don't remember it being so thick but what do I know.  He's a tough nut, Cookie....I give you a lot of credit for being so patient all those years.  Very very high standards that man has for those around him.  But you...you surpassed them all whether you realized it or not.  I know he realizes it.   It's difficult for me not to resort to being 13 again when I'm around him.  I need to remind myself that I'm not that little girl anymore.  I miss our knowing looks across the table when something was said.  I miss you laughing at my anecdotes and the joy on your face when I made you laugh.

You would think it would get easier as time passes but every time I go down to see Daddy it's harder.  I think about how different it would be during the entire drive there and by the time I walk in the door I'm so sad it's unbearable.  Stupid I know.  I should stop doing that, but you know me....can't let go of bad habits so quickly.  I can't help myself.  Living here...so close to you....things would be so different if you were alive.  I know you'd be visiting me more...Michaels is just up the street, we would be gluing and flowering and crafting up a storm.  You'd be teaching Lulu patience in cooking and baking.....and she'd be teaching you the ins and outs of being Lulu.  She misses you mommy.  Sometimes I find her crying in her room with your picture.  Breaks my heart every time.  She hears your voice and you calling her Emaline....she loves that.  She wears your clothes a lot...says she feels you with her. She's a trip ma....I know you watch over her.  Please stay with her...she's SUCH an incredible girl, she takes my breath away.

I know you are so proud of DTM!  You were always on his team.  He's incredible isn't he? Wow.....who would have thought such a little bullyameister (I have NO idea how to spell that) would turn into such an amazing man....well you did I know.  And his little Mrs. to be?  I know you would have loved her!  I do....she's just so perfect for him.  I wish you could be here to watch them plan their wedding and enjoy their love.  I know you are watching over them both and DTM misses you too. He talks about you all the time and it really upsets him that you never got to meet the love of his life.

I know you would be heartbroken to see the situation with my oldest.  You wouldn't understand and it would torture you....I'm glad you're not here to see that.  I couldn't bear the pain in your eyes that I know would be there and the anger it would turn into at the unfairness of it all.  But!  I need you to be diligent and stay with him ALWAYS please!!!!  Guide him and love him and show him the way.  I know you two never saw eye to eye when you were alive but he needs you.

So many things I wish you were here for.  I think about how much you would love my Prince Charming.  I can see your face when he'd be telling a story.  He's pretty fantabulous, but then again you know that because you sent him back into my life.  Thank you again for that.....the greatest gift you've ever given me.  I still wish you could be here to see it in person.  The way he treats the kids...and me....how much they love him. How happy we are together.... You would be so happy to see that. He's calm and he just gets me...even when I'm an emotional lunatic.  He's such a gentleman and I know how you'd love that. Things would have been so different if he had been around sooner.  Please keep working your magic mama.  So many good things that I know you're behind.

I'll keep seeing you in the butterflies and the other little signs you send.  I'll keep hearing you and passing along your messages (even though no one believes me half the time) and I will always hold you close to my heart and continue to do my very best to make you proud.  I'll cry when I hear our song and I'll laugh when I imagine your antics.  God, I miss you mommy.  I hope you have a happy birthday in heaven with Aunt Helen and Grandma and Uncle Don and all of your brothers and nephews.  They are so lucky to have you back with them.  Give Mr. and Mrs. Doyle a huge hug from me too.  I know if there are slot machines in heaven you'll be hitting the jackpot!

Happy Birthday mommy.  I love you xoxoxo


Tinabellina