Feelings....nothing more than feelings....

This week sucked.  There I said it.  From start to finish it just sucked.  It was one of those weeks where my thoughts and feelings were so congested I couldn't even figure out what was going on.  I felt anxiety and sadness and excitement and dread....basically every emotion under the sun at once.  I wanted so badly to put pen to paper in my journal and get it all out and I couldn't seem to focus long enough to do it.  I'm finally calm enough to recap it. 

I was supposed to be going to New York this weekend for my beautiful Nieces engagement party.  I was really looking forward to it and so was my daughter.  Part of me was upset because my son wasn't going to be able to attend and I knew he was really upset about it.  But, I unfortunately have come to terms that not everything is the way it used to be when they were little.  I am worried that my intuition is blocked because I never dreamt that I wouldn't be in New York this weekend, it didn't even cross my mind.  I drove to my friends to drop off the dog and then down to my dad's on Thursday.  Got to the airport early on Friday to leave plenty of time for parking and my dad being slower these days.  Got through checking the bag, security and to the gate.  When we got there our flight was already delayed 30 minutes.  Pretty typical for Frontier Airlines so I wasn't too concerned.  Then it was another hour....apparently the Captain was coming from another flight.  Ok, no worries...still good.  I'm sitting in between my dad and my daughter and watching this woman FREAK out because they weren't making announcements.  I looked at her and thought....wow, that would have been me back in the day. I used to be that person.  Now I was embarrassed for her because jeez what a scene over something you have no control over.  The girl that was taking care of my dad's wheel chair needs was giving us updates so I was pretty calm.  My dad?  Not so much.  I realized that as you get older you go one of two ways....1.  Everything pisses you off and you have no tolerance for anything or 2.  You make the best of everything and just let it go.  I choose #2....my dad?  Ummm not so much.  Then we were told there was heavy fog in NY.  Now I started to think we would be there a while and my dad wasn't having it.  Let's just leave, this is ridiculous.  Than my daughter....sad little face but no words.  Me....sitting in the middle thinking crap!  One of them is going to pissed no matter what I decide to do.  Anxiety gripped my stomach and I felt near tears.  I was so concerned with the both of them I didn't even have time to process what I was feeling.  I did what I always do, I prayed.  I asked for somehow our plane to be the one that still goes!  Flights were being cancelled left and right but I kept thinking somehow ours would get out.  Wrong!  Flight cancelled.  No flights available until Sunday.....I was in shock.  My daughter was devastated!  She is such a trooper she just quietly sat while I tended to getting our bags and calling the airlines and trying my hardest to get us out the next morning from any airport in Florida.  I couldn't make it happen.  It wasn't until my dad and daughter were both asleep that night that I allowed myself to FEEL the overwhelming sadness that had been building.  The disappointment flowed down my cheeks and I realized.....how often in my life I was so concerned with everyone else's feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel my own. 

I remembered so many times in my life before marriage and my children that ALL I thought about were my own feelings.  I didn't take others into account as much as I should have maybe.  I'm not sure if it was just age and maturity or it was being married to someone who was very self absorbed or it was becoming a mom or all of the above that caused me to change that way of thinking.  At some point I began to absorb others feelings and take them to be more important than my own.  I struggle so much with when is it ok for my feelings to matter.  I always feel like a bitch when I allow myself to say hey- what about how I feel? 

On the drive home yesterday I was so emotional and it was bubbling up inside of me because apparently I've allowed the wall I used to have up to rebuild itself a bit so I don't feel as deeply.  I wanted to release the feelings because the inner turmoil was just way too much to handle, I felt like there was a hurricane inside of me wanting to come out.  Realizing that the people you most want to connect with at times like this are not always available to you is devastating sometimes.  I do my best (and honestly?  I succeed) to be there always when my loved ones need me and to know that the people I lean on aren't always there for me is crushing at times.  I get it that not everyone has the flexibility that I do as far as time goes, but when people just choose to not be there it's a hard pill to swallow.  And then I rationalize that their problems are bigger than mine and there I go again.....putting my feelings second. The problem with always being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand their point of view is that you struggle with allowing your point of view to matter. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break it.

I finally allowed all the feelings and frustrations and hurt and sadness and anger to pour out of me which wasn't really brilliant while I was driving.  I kept wiping my eyes and the tears kept flowing.  So many realizations....so many areas of my life.....all swirling around like a tornado and dredging up stuff that has long been put to rest.  Doubting my choices, doubting my reactions, doubting my future, doubting the changes I've made to myself....all rushing in as I was cruising down the highway towards home.  Home.  The place I longed to be.  The place where I feel safest and most comfortable.  I was so anxious to get there and be where my soul is at peace. Some people love Starbucks or Dunkin Coffee...me?  Coffee tastes best in my kitchen. The building doesn't matter to me, it's the feeling I get when I'm there.  My routine, my comfort level....it hit me then that when I was happiest was when my 3 children were all young enough for me to decide where they would be.....having them all around me during a snow day or a pajama day.  When we would all just exist in the same space and there was no where else any of us would rather be.  There was no choosing whose feelings were more important....we were all on the same page.  Bliss.  I missed that time for the first time in my life I think. I have always just accepted where I was at any given time.  But this...this was me allowing my feelings to come first.  My feelings to matter.  I miss the days when I was their whole world and they were mine.  The only things of importance happened in those rooms, in our home, in our togetherness.  But....those days are gone.  I have one son who is living states away with no contact, one son who is preparing to marry and move out of our home and my daughter who is struggling to find her place in this crazy world too.  What I wouldn't give for one more pajama day with those little people. 

But life goes on as it should and must.  There will be new happiness and new moments of bliss down the road, in different ways and different combinations... Christmas day was a moment of that bliss when my son and his fiance and my daughter and I just existed together, playing games and enjoying the feeling of being home.  The moments aren't lost forever, they are just fewer and farther between.  My soul needs to find a new peace and a new clarity and it will.  It always does.  I need to allow my feelings to matter....to come first more often before I forget what it is that makes me happy as I did for so many years.  It took me too long to find that again to lose it.  In the midst of it all it's just a day in the life......