Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wake up every day intending for it to be a fabulous day. This has always worked in the past for me. I believe your state of mind has a lot to do with the outcome of things. Last week I was ready to kick life's proverbial ass. I was armed and ready to take back my happiness and make the best of every second. I've done it before (most of my life if I think about it) and I was determined to do it again. Saturday, done.....Sunday oh yea I was on top of the world....Monday still working it....Tuesday---exploded. I mean bad. Like the worst I've ever lost it in my life. I went into a dark place that quite frankly scared me. I guess it's been building up and the mask I've been wearing got tight. Unfortunately, my house is small and my kids are always home so they witnessed it. Not my proudest mom moment. So, for all of you who always tell me you admire my relationship with my kids ----know I'm a trainwreck sometimes. My creme filling son just watched and waited for me to calm down so he could hug me. He cleaned up the glass from a frame that fell off the wall when I slammed my door (trying to get privacy, which is nearly impossible). My daughter went into the kitchen and started cleaning (guilt cleaning....realizing that I do it all by myself and that I'm pretty tired)....my son told me I should flip out more often so she does what she's supposed to lol. I can't explain what came over me but it was ugly. I'm crying as I type this remembering it---it felt like someone else's emotions and someone else's actions. I regained composure relatively quickly but it still shook me to the core. I cried out to my mom and begged for her to help me. I am rarely angry anymore....the last 5 years rid me of that emotion. I still get angry don't get me wrong but not like I used to. Maybe that's why it shook me. Maybe that's why my daughter was so upset, she's never seen that side of me. I hope she never does again. This year has given me more than I can handle. And I don't see an end in sight, quite honestly. It scares me. I can't seem to climb out of the negative place that has become home to me. But I will, I know. It never stays bad forever. If you look back over your life you'll see that. But for now....it seems to be my new normal. I'm sure there is a lesson to learn in all of this, but honestly I don't see it at the moment.
That was written in April and never published. It's funny because I went to write today about pretty much the same thing, minus the anger. I'm broken still. Life has continued to assault me with too much negativity. I have cried more tears this year and in the last month than I think I have in my entire life. Cleansing? Maybe. But I haven't felt the relief yet. The other day I went to the gym....I was on the treadmill for six minutes and I was reading a book regarding an issue that is prevelant in my life right now...I lost my shit. I mean totally lost it. Bawling like a crazy person. I had to leave the gym. Luckily my sister was available and talked me off the ledge.....again! Honestly, my brother and sister have been there for me around the clock this last month and I am so incredibly grateful for them. I've had many people tell me how lucky I am that I have so many people that love me, and I am. I'm a very very blessed woman in that department. However, there are very few people that I can let in on what's going on in my life at this moment. It makes it hard when I know people want to help. But it's necessary. I've lost so much in the last month. I've lost my hope. I've lost my ability to look at the bright side. I've lost my heart...it's broken, quite possibly beyond repair. And it keeps coming. Yesterday I had to put my dog down. I never imagined how heartbroken I'd be and how difficult it would be. I think that was the last straw. I think that was the final blow. I am writing this because I need to get it out, but it's not cathartic like writing normally is for me. I am feeling at the moment like nothing will ever be ok again. I feel like I'm drowning and I keep swimming and yet I can't get air.
My younger son got engaged this past week. I felt total and complete joy for the first time in months. They are so so very happy and I feel utterly and completely guilty for all the tears I'm shedding during this joyous time in their lives. I'm trying...really trying to just "get over it" but it's so much more than that. I put on a happy face as best as I can and I try to focus on the good stuff but it's just not working this time. I will keep trying. I will keep relishing the moments when I feel like myself. I'm praying that every day those moments will become longer. I am looking forward to the day when I wake up feeling like me again, and I know it will happen. I just have to admit this is the darkest time of my life. In 52 years I have never felt like this for this long. I know I'm blessed and I know it could be so much worse, but right now? In this moment? I'm broken. I have lost so much I can't seem to feel like I will recover. BUT, I know there are lessons to learn. I know that I've figured some out....and I pray that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train.
Here's what I've learned:
I can't fix everything. Your children become adults and they need to be responsible for their actions and their lives. Letting go of that is a tough pill for me, but I'm learning.
The people that you thought would be there for you at your worst, just aren't. Instead of beating yourself up for needing them you have to just let it go and realize it is what it is.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people over and over again. It's not punishment and it isn't always your lesson to learn.
I have to get my strength from within. Not from anything or anybody, because relying on someone else to give you strength is dangerous because that person can take it away at any time.
The sun will come out tomorrow and after the rain at some point there will be a rainbow. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.