We're after the same rainbows end....waitin' round the bend.....

Valentines Day for many is a day to celebrate love.  To show the world how much your significant other and the other people in your life mean to you.  For me?  It's become a day of loss.  A day of pain and a day of suffering.  No.  Not because I don't have a Valentine.  Because of the things that have occurred on this day in 2015 and the years following.  It seems impossible to remember the happy days when I was a young girl when I'd wake up to candy and an adorable stuffed animal from my daddy.  When I'd come home from school with armloads of valentines from classmates.  From my high school years when my boyfriends would spoil me with gifts and signs of affection.  From the years that I would work so hard to make Valentines day special for my kids and their classmates.  Was that even this lifetime?  I can't remember.  For me it's a day of pain and sorrow.  It's a day of shutting down and tears and primal sobs. My son is determined that this year he will begin to celebrate Valentines day again...he and his fiance are off of work and school and they're going to Disney and have a magical day.  Good for HIM!  It's time he begins to break this darkness. My daughter on the other hand came to me the other day and said Mommy I can't go to school on Wednesday, please don't make me.  I immediately thought of the boy she likes and thought she was trying to avoid the disappointment that not getting that message would bring.  I was preparing my great mom speech about self love when she burst into tears about her brother and her YaYa.  Shit. Wow.  Now what?  Selfishly I was thinking I was the only one who felt it every year.  I was hoping to have that time while she was in school to suffer alone and wallow in my own pain and heartbreak.  Well, misery loves company I suppose.  She assured me the dance was Tuesday and she would, of course, go to that.  Okay then.  Sobfest 2018 table for two please?  I realized I'd have to put the mask on and be there for her.  I can't fall apart because she's falling apart. 

I dropped her at school this morning and she was wearing this beautiful maroon dress that she didn't get to wear to her cousin's engagement party and Wow.  She looked stunning....my baby girl.  All grown up...I missed it.  I feel like I've missed so much, I have forgotten what it was like when she was little.  It seems she grew up overnight.  There is a hint of sadness around her that shouldn't be there!  She should be happy and moody and all teenage like.  She has had so many people let her down already in her 14 years it crushes me!  I fear what her future relationships will look like because the men in her life have given her nothing to trust.  Except one of her brothers.  He is her rock.  He is her standard that I pray she holds all other men to.  They are so close...they speak a language only they understand.  His fiance and I look at each other with giant question marks when they are speaking and laughing so hard they can't breathe.  He is the only light in her bleak vision of the male gender.  I pray she holds onto that. I pray she realizes that sometimes peoples actions and words do align. I pray she knows that it's possible for her to trust that no matter what she'll find someone like that who will not let her down.

So, I woke up this morning and allowed myself the emotions that February has come to represent.  I listened to "Moon River" by Andy Williams and let the sadness that has overcome my life recently to roll down my cheeks.  The ache in my heart to just come out of my throat and just feel it.  I have to.  I have suppressed it for far too long.  I cried out to my mom to please please help me...She has worked so many miracles in my life since she has passed but I don't think she's able to fix what's broken this time. It's time for me to realize that nothing will ever be what it once was just a short time ago. Sometimes loving people isn't enough.  Sometimes you have to let them go. You can reach out and show your love and support but if that love and support isn't wanted or needed there isn't much you can do.  Sometimes the way you love isn't the love that a person needs. I must admit that with everything I have experienced in my life nothing hurts more than being shut out of someone's life without warning or discussion or closure of any kind. I can deal with pretty much anything except that.  When I said goodbye to my mother 3 years ago tomorrow I at least knew it was most likely the last time I would see her. But once I know I've done everything I can I need to let it go.  My knees are bruised from constant prayer and that I will never stop.  My faith in God and His plan for my life is strong.  I don't see it or understand it but I trust it.  I know that He is with us during this time and He will continue to be, because after all....it's just a day in the life.