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Sunday, March 13, 2016

Finding the balance within myself

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see.  I've had so many come to Jesus moments in the past 8 years and I've always come out as a bigger, better  version of the person I was before it. I'm struggling at the moment with deciding when enough is enough.  When is it time to just embrace the flawed human being I see when I look in that mirror.  When do my feelings matter more than others needs and wants of me?  I struggle with this every day.  My greatest strength and weakness is wanting the people in my life to be happy....sometimes at my own expense.  I've never felt like my needs and feelings should come first.  However, with that being said, I've realized that sometimes I only think about my own feelings and I don't realize that others sometimes feel things just as strongly---see the quandary?  This is why I struggle.  Am I being too selfish or too selfless?  I feel like there are 2 people inside of me fighting each other.  Can I find the blend?  The best of both of them, therefore creating the best version of me?  Or should I just allow me to be me and those who love me, truly love me, will accept me for who I am and if someone can't then I guess that's important to know.

I appear to be a strong, confident, independent woman.  In some ways I am just that.  With the outside world, people who don't matter in my life yes....I am that person. I really don't care what others think of me in outside world, their opinions are not personal to me. To those that I love...especially in a romantic sense....I am a marshmallow.  I have no spine.  I lose myself in trying to please them.  When parts of my personality come out that they don't like or that frustrates them I try to change it.  Sometimes I'm successful and I become a better version of myself.  Sometimes I'm successful and I lose part of myself that maybe should have been embraced. How do I decide?  What about the parts of me that no matter how hard I try I can't overcome? When do I throw in the towel and just embrace the crazy and let the chips fall where they may? I try so hard to have peace in my life that sometimes it causes a tornado inside of myself.  Then it comes out in destructive ways sometimes, because I'm forcing myself to swallow things that I just can't seem to get down.  It's a form of self-sabotage, I suppose.  I don't know.  I do know that I'm tired. For some reason that I have not been able to figure out (except for a tiny incident when I was about 5 years old) I need to be first to someone.  I need someone to put me before everything else in their life-always.  I need that proof and I need it daily.  Sounds like a lot I know.  Sounds needy....I GET it.  But I cannot overcome this need.  I've been trying for YEARS to overcome it....because I've been disappointed time and time and time again because I've never been that to anyone.  Maybe it's unrealistic.  But guess what?  It's not!  Because I do it.  I do it all the time.  So, is it unfair to want this?  I'm trying still to get over this need.  I just can't do it.    This journey to self discovery and self work is a hard one.  And I know it never ends.  But right now?  I need a break from it.  I need to just allow myself to be me and give myself the love and devotion that I give those close to me.  And I need to realize that I may never receive that same devotion back from anyone other than myself.  And I need to be okay with that, I need to realize that not everyone needs or wants that kind of devotion.  I learned it the hard way with my oldest son.  Maybe it's time to take it easy on myself.  Maybe that's my newest lesson....
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