It's your birthday now, but you are not here with me

 

Today would have been my mom's 91st birthday.  Last week I thought of something I could do to celebrate her today and I had it all planned out.  Her favorite restaurant, the butterfly garden - I was all set.  But as the day drew closer I just wasn't feeling it.  In fact today I didn't feel like really doing much of anything but I forced myself to go out and enjoy the morning.  I was not sad, surprisingly, I just felt what I normally feel.  I think about my mother every single day and today was no different.  My daughter and I went out and had some fun, then we came across this incredible prayer garden and nature trail and it was truly magical!  I kept thinking how much my mom would have loved it and I knew she was there with us.  I hear her voice so much lately, I wish she was here now that I have more time to devote to her.  When my kids were younger I felt almost like she was another child I had to tend to.  To take care of, to ensure she didn't get her feelings hurt and that she had everything she needed.  It felt like a burden sometimes and I am determined not to ever make my kids feel that way about me.  But with that comes the fact that sometimes you realize your kids don't want to take time to be with you, to speak to you.  It's heartbreaking if I am being honest and I can't help but think that maybe when the time comes that I am no longer here that it won't really matter to them since they didn't take advantage of the time when I was here.  I guess it won't matter because I won't be here to know, but it is something that I think about every now and then.  I would give anything to be able to call her one more time and hear "Tina Bellina what are you doing?" 

I realized the other day that most people that love me call me Tee.  And I can always tell when they are pissed at me because they call me Tina. 😉My mother never called me Tee - she either called me Tina Bellina or Tina Marie.  I called her Woman...
she loved that so much.  My oldest son calls me woman and my daughter calls me Tina Marie - somethings carry on....and I love both.  I miss her.  It makes me sad that my children were robbed of more time with her - especially my daughter.  She would love having time with her as an adult, having my mom teach her to crochet and do the rosary with her and just so many things.  I pray that I have that time with my grandchildren and that they love me the way my kids loved my mom.  

My daughter came home a little while ago with flowers for me.  She texted me asking if I liked strawberry milk and which Cheeze-it's were the ones I liked...I said it's not MY birthday and she said I can't hear you!  (she's a wiseass, just like me).  So she came home with flowers and Cheeze-its (my newest addiction) Reese's peanut butter cups (my oldest addiction) and strawberry milk (they didn't have cotton candy this time)....she makes me so proud and so happy and so blessed.  I pray every day that the closeness we have doesn't stop when she has her own family.  I did my very best to include my mom in the lives of my kids and my life even though she never lived in the same state.  My daughter gives me hope that the tattoos we have stay true and we remain connected.  I struggle to know where I fit into my son's lives and to be honest I am not sure if I do or if I ever will again.  But I will hold hope in my heart for the same connection somehow.  And I pray that some of my ways will continue with my children and grandchildren the same way I continue many of my mothers.  Because some day?  All we will have is this day in the life.   Happy Birthday Mommy!  I hope everything today is yellow for you.....

There's no load I can't hold, a road so rough this I know....

 

It's October 10th....10/10 portal...magical stuff blah blah blah.  I don't really subscribe to that stuff anymore.  I am more of a let's just let God handle whatever comes or goes. And I'll be dipped in sugar molasses and honey butter if that does not work waaaaayyy better than Angel numbers or portals or moon cycles. I was planning to write a blog about my wishes and how they've changed but now I will be blending that with today's events....

I have a journal that gives you daily prompts that you answer every day for 5 years.  It is so that you can see how things change or how they do not.  Yesterday the prompt was: I want a new_____.  Last year I wrote car.  Well....I'm driving it!  This year I wrote that...well you can see above what I asked for - a new start!  The day before was What is your biggest dream. Last year I had one...one I have had for too many years and since that one does not seem to be in my destiny I decided to let it go.  But when I thought about a new dream I realized....I don't have one.  And instead of being sad about it (my first instinct was oh no, does that mean I am depressed or lazy or I have given up?) I realized I am blessed.  I do not spend my days looking for things I don't have.  I am grateful for what I do have and am happy to follow whatever God's will is for my life, even if it doesn't look the way I wanted.  Which brings me to today's events.

I got a call today that most parents dread..."Mom...some guy just plowed into my car."  The shaky voice, she's so damn strong and yet deep inside is a little girl that still needs her mom.  "Ok...are you ok?"  Yes.  "Is he still there?"  Yes. "Does he have insurance?" Did you call the police?  Not yet.  I told him I needed to call you.  Ok, I'll be right there, send me the address.  I got in the car and started driving.  Of course my mind was all over the place.  But my first thought was Thank you God.  Thank you that my baby girl is ok.  Thank you that it was not her fault (sorry but I knew she would be really upset if it was!)  Thank you that I really have no idea how to deal with this since Thank you God I haven't had to.  I thought about calling several people to get advice or opinions and I thought - why?  I am a big girl and I don't need someone else to tell me what I should do.  I've got this!  The way I always relied on my Dad my daughter relies on me and I will do exactly what my father would do and handle it!  Then the times that I have had these issues happen (I was married) ran through my head.  I had forgotten all about those few times.  But I was proud of how far I had come that my first instinct was to thank God for it all.  I was starting to write this blog about gratitude and how grateful I am that God has given me this fabulous place of surrender and how peaceful and joyful my life is and how I am no longer looking for something to bring that to me and that I can't fix anyone else's lives- no matter how much I love them and want to- and I just need to live my own! And then this not so fun thing happened today and it still just reinforced that.  Instead of it just destroying all the progress I've made it made it stronger.  We even felt so badly for the other driver because he was just so nice and patiently waited for me to get there and then for the police and he got a citation for following too close (they were both stopped at the light and he admitted he had things on his mind and just took his foot off the brake- he's human!)  He apologized to my daughter again and again and just took the citation and didn't blink.  The police officer even felt badly too...have I mentioned how much I love living here?!?!?

Last week we were in Arizona so my daughter could meet her niece and we had lunch with one of my besties.  On the way back to my son's house my daughter mentioned how my friend's life seems to stay the same, like she's got all this stuff that has been going on for over 10 years.  I agreed and it also got me thinking how my life would look if I hadn't made all the changes I have and I just could not imagine living in that unhappiness.  Were the changes easy.....ummmm no.  Were they scary?  Not really because I knew that God had me, but to the average person - terrifying.  Were they worth it?  Every...single...one of them!  I can see now why certain things had to happen the way they did.  I can see the things I had to learn to become who I am today (I like her...she's really cool!) And most importantly I have been the example to my daughter of what it means to be self sufficient and happy!  Has everything turned out the way I wanted....no...but the story isn't over yet. I have faith that God will bring me better than I've lost and more than I've dreamed of.  Because I am so grateful for this day in the life......