Remember a few entries back I said I was different. That I didn't feel things as deeply. Well0I'm back to feeling. Not sure if I like it or not. Army commercials, FB posts etc are hitting me hard. Tears streaming down my face in the middle of a college baseball recruiting speech. Crying at Christmas Carols at my daughter's sing a long. I'm definitely back to my old self. What's changed? A lot!
First, I've been praying a lot more. Asking God to keep me in the present and let the future take care of itself. I've been mindful and being present in the current moment and that helps me be happier and grateful. I have a good life and so much to be grateful for. Interestingly enough, a stroll down memory lane preparing for my daughter's 11th birthday made me realize that my kids and I are very blessed. I realized that while I'm a very optimistic person, I have a nasty tendency to pick out the negative in any given situation and that's what changes my perception of past events. I'm working hard on fixing that and it's making me feel joy again. I missed joy! I was very focused on future destinations and was failing to smell the tulips along the way.
The college coach was telling the boys that they wouldn't be seeing their families much because summers would be spent doing camps in different parts of the country. The tears started flowing. Chances are that within the next 18 months it will just be me and my daughter at home. Where will home be? Will we stay here? Will we move closer to my boys? Who knows! Then I realized it's been 30 years since I lived in the same state as my parents and 10 years since I've lived near my siblings and precious nieces and godsons/nephews and I still consider myself to have a very close bond with them. Looking back over pictures from the last 11 years they are there through it all. So, in actuality, distance doesn't really matter--what matters is making an effort to remain in each other's hearts and minds and lives. Will my kids do that???? I pray they will. This is all part of my lessons. The not needing a timeline or guarantee of what's coming next.
It's times like these that I wish I had a partner. Someone to take charge when I'm feeling weak, someone to hold me when I'm crying, someone who will allow me to do the same for them. Then I realize that I do. He's just a prayer away and He knows how it's all going to turn out anyway. I'm just along for the ride. And what a ride it is <3