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Monday, September 28, 2015

Hello darkness my old friend....

This weekend I decided to go on a silent retreat.  I was very excited and nervous at the same time.  I realized that in my 50 years on this earth I have never been alone for 2 full days, ever!  Sad.  Or is it?

I hugged my kids and kissed them goodbye.  My boys were so supportive, "Enjoy it mommy, you deserve it".  My daughter was trying not to burst into tears at the prospect of being home with her brothers and then spending the night at her dads, but she kept a stiff upper lip for my benefit.  As I got in the car the music and podcasts on my IPOD did the trick, I felt God's presence and I thought for sure this weekend would be life changing.  I cried and laughed all the way to Tucson.

Upon arriving at the facility I met Susan,who was my tour guide.  She showed me around the small complex, explained how things worked and then showed me my hermitage (aka tiny private cabinish room) and left me to get settled.  As I walked from my car carrying my bags I was met by a butterfly whizzing around my, darting and dashing around me.  I felt the tears well and I knew my mom was with me and I felt that it was going to be a magical weekend.

I went to the cafeteria area to have lunch.  It was a high school flashback.  I don't know anyone, I don't know where to go---but ahhhhh I don't have to talk to anyone or sit with anyone---sweeet!  So I sat down with my salad and sandwich and my book and started to have lunch.  I felt so fidgety and antsy I couldn't relax.  My mind was racing about what to do next.  I realized I don't need time alone as much as I used to.  Hmmm I want to go home.  But I planned this---I needed to get something out of this.  Ok, buckle down Tina.  Focus.  Ok, I left the lunchroom and decided to take a walk and try to meditate.  Nope.  Can't do it.  Alright, stroll to the library.  I walked in and there was someone on a computer.  Keep walking. Another person sleeping on a chair.  Damn.  This was awkard.  You know what, I'm overcoming.  I sat down and started reading.  No, bored.  I am never bored.  What the hell was wrong with me?  Didn't I always say I wanted alone me time?  With nothing to do? Well here you go dingdong....So I realized they had a TV with dvds and I decided to give them a look.  So, I sat down and watched one of my favorite movies!  Headphones on and even though it wasn't a spiritual movie I decided too bad!

I've been playing with destiny and manifesting and how they go together and viola  I realized in this movie her destiny showed up!  She didn't try to manifest it, she didn't meditate on it---it just happened!  I think I am on to something....

Well I won't bore you with every detail of the weekend.  I was restless and couldn't even nap when tired.  I went to dinner and was seriously contemplating leaving, I had never been so fidgety!  I decided to go into the meditation room and try to meditate.  No success.  Finally I decided to let it all out.  Ok, God, I'm just going to pray.  So I did.  I went down an entire list of what I was asking for for each of my loved ones.  When I was done and I wiped my tears I heard it....the voice.  Telling me, FINALLY!  This is all you need to do.  Talk to God, no meditating no fancy stuff, just talk to God!  And my life is exactly as it should be, keep doing what you're doing.

I can't explain the relief I felt.  I was ready to pack up and go home then.  I got what I came for.
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