What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

I'm a tough bitch.  No... that's not right.  I'm a STRONG bitch....that's better.  I'm still a marshmallow somewhere inside when surrounded by the right people.  The walls that I worked so hard to break down are now back up, higher than ever.  Funny how that works....how quickly they go back up.  I started my day yesterday having a shouting match with my daughter.  Yes, I'm as surprised as you are.  We're best friends.  We talk about everything, her friends tell her how lucky she is to have me.  And I don't need ANYONE to tell me how lucky I am to have her...she's the best.  My kids are the first ones to notice when the walls go up.  I'm different, even around them.  I'm distant and cold and removed.  Not myself at all.  Even when I'm smiling and laughing they see the difference.  They FEEL the difference.  You see....I have the ability to love so deeply that those that receive that love feel it to their core.  It oozes from my pores and it touches everything around me.  It's something I didn't even realize until someone brought it to my attention.  I assumed everyone was the same as I am.  No.  That's apparently not the case.  But the problem with loving like that is that you give the people you love the ability to destroy you.  Crush you like a bug.  And sometimes, if you're not careful, you don't recover, or if you do you are changed for life.  That is what happened to me....before I became stingy with who I give that love to .  Oh, don't get me wrong, I love and I'm generous and kind and supportive to anyone I take the time to have a conversation with.  But THAT love?  No.  That doesn't get passed out anymore.  In fact, the people who get THAT love...the love that gives them the ability to destroy me (and me to trust them not to) that goes to less than 5 people now.  I struggle with it still.  There are people that have gotten that love in the past that still know how to manipulate me and push my buttons and those old familiar feelings of guilt and pain and sadness threaten to overcome me.  But luckily, those people who still get that love pull me right back where I belong.They set me straight.

Yesterday morning...the reason for the shouting match?  I was treating my daughter as if she was like the ones that have destroyed me in the past.  That fear of her possibly becoming that causes me to sometimes keep her at arms length.  It causes me to keep my creme filling son there sometimes too but he won't allow it.  He smashes that wall down before it gets built.  He knows me that well, he sees it...thank God, even before I do.  We are all facing tremendous changes and have been for the last year.  But this year we know the changes are coming and even though we're excited about them, they are still tough issues to face. Another big move and all the change and uncertainty that comes with that. It's causing us to all have an underlying tension behind the smiles and the laughter.  Normally I would be convinced that nothing would break us.  But, this past year I've had a few people make me doubt everything....including my inner knowing and my belief that love conquers all.  That nothing could break something so strong and beautiful.  Nothing lasts forever.  This year has taught me not to share everything that goes on inside of me (yea, you read my blog can you imagine there's more than this lol) with anyone.  My journal has become my go to person.  It's where I let out all the things I don't trust myself to say, the things I don't want to admit to another soul anymore.  Where I relive those moments of pain and doubt and beat myself up for what I should have or could have done differently.  Where I ask....how the hell did I get here?  Why ?  Then I wipe my tears and I open up my other journal where I thank God for all my blessings, because there are many.  I pray and meditate and turn my thoughts to those.  The good things in life.  I have a home, I have 3 people living in this house that would do anything for me and love me no matter what, I have a sister that picks up my pieces more times than I can count, my dad---who gives me hope and strength, my bosses who have become my family-who check on me and get worried if I don't answer them (because apparently my first name is reliable 😉) my cousin JeanMarie who always checks on me when she feels I'm off, Jilly who is there for me no matter what, Kimmy who always reaches out at the perfect time, like she feels my emotions....and through everything in my heart I have the one person who I love unconditionally for the first time in my life I truly know what unconditional love is....how lucky am I? 

For those people who have chosen not to come along on this crazy ride of mine...who have distanced themselves or cut me out of their lives completely....and for those that I've cut out of mine....I send love and light and the hope that one day you'll hold a mirror up and see that maybe you're not perfect and that no matter what I've never pretended to be someone I'm not...can you say the same?  Love me or leave me.....it's just a day in the life.

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo

The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......