Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven my beautiful mommy!

Dear Mommy

Well another year has passed and I'm not gonna lie woman, I am missing you more and more.  It's supposed to get easier but for me it's harder than ever.  I was driving the other day and feeling so lonely and I needed to talk to someone and everyone I could think of would not have been able to answer, or would not have answered and I thought....I could ALWAYS call my mom she would always answer.  Thank you for those signs that day.  I knew you heard me!  Thank you for showing RJ
you are around him too, that is so important!  Keep watching over Daddy and helping him, he's doing so well and I know you're behind that.

You are a great grandmother and I'm sure you are watching over little JBC and loving her laugh and her beautiful cheeks.  Keep guiding their beautiful family.   The Bella is getting married next year and I'm sure you were with her when she got engaged and bought her house and got her dress....continue to keep her on this path of happiness she is walking.  Please keep watching over your namesake.  She is so beautiful, inside and out, and she is starting another huge transformation period in her life, stay by her side.  Stay vigilant with Pickolaus as he grows and becomes the incredible man he's becoming.  Help him continue to make good choices and follow his heart.

Stay with my oldest and keep him strong.  Help him stay the path and keep doing what he's doing  Thank you for guiding him back to me and his siblings.  It is the best part of this year so far for sure! And my beautiful princess....how she misses you!  Thank you for drying her tears and hearing her prayers and wishes.   She doesn't always open up to me, but I know between you and her brother she always has open ears to listen to her.  Help her continue to stay true to the beautiful soul that she is.

And last but not least......DTM.  He's getting married tomorrow mommy!  Married!  our little man.  Mommy please please please be with us all tomorrow.  He's got a seat saved in the front row for you.  He is so happy mom...they are so in love.  They remind me so much of you and daddy.  Praise God for that.  He is such an incredible man.  Thank you for always seeing the good behind his mischief.   For always seeing his kind heart and being such a huge part of his life.  Please continue to be apart of their marriage and their lives.  Keep his beautiful wife under your wing and guide her to be the best wife possible for our little man.

We got news this week that you might be getting some company up there.  I'm sure you're aware.  Please welcome her with open arms and make her some lintzer tarts to celebrate her being reunited with the love of her life!  Please comfort her children and grandchildren as they learn to cope

I miss you mommy....life is so different than what I thought it would be.  Please help me adjust to all these crazy changes.  What I would give to talk to you one more time.  I could really use my mommy right about now.   Although I know you're always here it's just not the same.  Please work your magic and keep us all healthy and strong the way you made us!  I love you mommy.  Happy 84th birthday beautiful angel.  I miss you xoxox

And a man shall leave his mother and a .....now wait JUST a minute!

The famous wedding song, There is Love....the words have been going on in my head over and over with my youngest son's wedding just a few days away.  "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one".  Ok, first of all I never noticed before how one sided that is.  I used to think it was because the woman didn't leave her family, (because as that annoying phrase says "a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life"  )  however.....for this mother....it means so much.  My son isn't leaving home, he is leaving his mother because she's the home to him.  Well, my son left home a few months back....but leave me?  No way.  Not a day goes by that we aren't in communication.  I don't see that ending any time ever.  He called me the other day with some concerns/frustrations he just wanted to vent.  Sometimes you just need your mom.  It doesn't matter what gender you are!  I have long in depth conversations with my sons consistently and my daughter, she's quieter.  She prefers to solve things on her own without talking about it right away.  I had a conversation with a friend the other day.  His mother was in the hospital and has been struggling for some time now.  She told him she was tired and didn't want to do this anymore.  He was beside himself at the thought of losing her.  I relate to that.  First of all because I know his mother and I love her so very deeply myself.  But also, because I'm missing my own mom so much right now some days I don't think I can bear it.  Yesterday I was driving and just crying my eyes out to the point where I almost had to pull over.  And I looked up and there was a rainbow....and the song came in my head "Somewhere over the rainbow....bluebirds fly"....it was my mom.  I instantly knew it was all going to be okay. And driving home after that the rainbow ended at my house.   Thank you mommy.

I've been having this overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home lately.  I found this article and it says you can be homesick for a time and place that no longer exists.  That seemed to be so accurate for me.  The many seemingly rapid changes in my life and realizations of things that will never be again have been too much for me.  I don't even know where I'm going with this....oh yes, sons leaving their mothers. This morning started with a group text from my son saying See you all tomorrow with an obnoxious Sponge Bob meme.  Omg my daughter freaked out, she thought he wasn't coming until Tuesday.  I was getting a pedicure this morning while my daughter was getting her nails done for the wedding and my phone started blowing up with my son asking me to tell his sister to pick up her phone!  I told him I HAD her phone she was getting her nails done.   As soon as she was done she grabbed her phone, went outside and was face timing her brother.  He's not leaving anyone! I will admit that I see a difference now that he and his soon to be bride are living on their own.  They are even more of a unit and even though they are part of us, they are their own family.  That's how it's supposed to be!  But that doesn't mean you have to lose one to gain the other. 

The signs keep coming too.  Today on Facebook an old friend of my brothers posted a video of John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" which is my song with my youngest son.  I was instantly transported back to his nursery and was in the rocking chair with him in my arms and singing that song to him.  The tears were streaming down my face but I have such joy in my heart that we are at the place we are right now.  He is set to marry the love of his life in 4 short days.  His entire future is brightly ahead of him.  That's what I wished for on that day so long ago when I first sang that song to him!

I just tried on my dress again for the wedding and I burst into tears.  No, I don't look THAT bad 😉 truthfully?  Thinking of seeing both of my sons up there at the altar in their tuxedos, together on that day just makes me weak in the knees.  This time last year we didn't think that would happen.  So many things are not as we thought they would be at this moment in time.  Some better than expected, some undeniably heartbreaking, but no matter what it will be a perfect day for them.  A day they will cherish for the rest of their lives. It will be so much more than a day in the life.