Not all who wander are lost....but some who don't wander are....

Lost.  I'm lost these days.  I don't wander.  I'm never far from home.  I stay close to those I love and I don't stray from who I am.  The problem is my soul is restless.  It is lost at the current moment.  I cannot focus or find joy for more than a moment at a time.  This is not me. This is not even remotely anything like me.....actually, it reminds me of the me from a long long time ago....before I was awakened.... Even in moments when I would normally feel happy and I AM on the outside, my soul is not.  My soul is longing for something and it will not rest.  Anyone who knows me knows all I've ever wanted is happiness and peace in my soul and for those I love.  I had it for a while.   Even though outside it seemed my world was chaotic and crazy and crumbling.....my soul was at peace, I knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay.  I still know that everything will be okay, but I'm not certain how that okay looks....and I'm tired.  My soul is tired of waiting for that peace and joy to return.  It is frustrated because no matter how I spin it or try to find the blessings in my current situation and focus on the gratitude for all the good things I have in my life (there are SO many!) my soul is lost.

My kids and I have been hitting Disney World on Fridays since the New Year.  We have had SO much fun and I've loved the time together...but while I'm there it's like I'm not.  It's like my soul is watching my physical self laugh and joke and make memories, but my soul isn't present in my body.  I know a lot of people will read this and think I'm not making any sense.  That's ok.  I just needed to get it out.  I feel like I am two people.  I'm angry.  I want to be happy.  I want to embrace these moments.  But I'm not fully in it.  Some might say I'm depressed....I have been depressed before, this is not it.  This is some kind of soul expansion or huge shift in my life.  I'm going to be 54 years old in a few days....how many more shifts and changes do I have to go through?  At the moment I feel like I just want to turn it all off.  My feelings, my thoughts, my awareness....my intuition.  The signs I get mean nothing anymore.  It's hard for me to admit that, but I've lost hope.  I feel like it's all been a huge trick.  Dangling a carrot in front of me, promising this extraordinary life that I've had glimpses of.  But what if this is it?  What if this is all there is?  Most people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  For my kids alone.  I have given birth to three incredible, loving, devoted, brilliant, amazing human beings and they are so so good to me.  Normally, in the past that was always enough for me.  That alone gave me joy and peace.  I want more.  I need more. I feel like Belle in the beginning of Beauty and the Beast when she sings "Belle".  My soul is looking for something and I don't know how to fix it.

My first born and I discuss spiritual things every day.  He is so knowledgeable about the planets and how it affects us.  Our birth charts, the list goes on.  Normally I love listening to his take on it....today I just asked him to please let me just rest and take care of myself without trying to make sense of it.  It was hurting my brain to try to comprehend.  All I know at the moment is that I'm lost.  I will be found again, I know that.  I will survive, I always do.  But I am not sure my soul is going to sing the way it has in the past for a very long time and that makes me so sad.  I miss that feeling....that excited, joyful feeling.  I know it will pass.  I know I'll feel better.  But right now it feels like this has been building up and I've been fighting it for so long.  I surrender.  I give up.  I will learn to adjust to this feeling if I have to.  When it's time my soul will sing again, a new tune, a different song....I hope that I will learn to accept the new song and allow it to light up my life again.  In the meantime, it's just a day in the life......