Unbreak my heart----bring back the joy to my life

 If any of you have google photos you will know that every once in a while it makes a collage of pictures for you with a nifty little title.  I usually love that.  Today, however I looked at them and I realized.....I am not the same person I was in 2013.  I read energy in photos.  I read eyes.  Well my eyes do not have the same sparkle they did in the beginning of 2013.  Something happened at the end of 2013 that changed me.  I realize now I believe it broke my soul.  I have not been the same since.  I sent a message to my creme filling son stating this and he agreed.  It changed me.  I lost a part of myself.  I want to get her back.  I have been working SO hard to get her back for the last 8 years.  I know part of her needed to change and fall away.  The codependent part.  The possessive part, the combative part.  I don't miss her AT all.  Good riddance.  But the part of her that found such JOY in life---the one who didn't expect people to hurt her, didn't accept it as part of life---where the hell did she go?  Is she ever coming back?  I don't think so.  And that makes me sad.  She was fun.  She did not hold back on loving people.  She was shocked and hurt and genuinely disappointed when someone treated her poorly and hurt her heart instead of expecting it.  

I always thought I became this way because of disappointment in romantic relationships.  I always seem to choose emotionally unavailable people.  I have come to realize that was because I thought if only I could prove my love enough they would need me the way I needed them.  It was a personality flaw in myself.  But the person that hurt me in this way was not a romantic partner.  I think that is why I was so shocked by this revelation today.  It also wasn't one of my parents--nope can't blame childhood trauma.  But this revelation today opens a whole new chapter in my healing journey.  I probably journaled 20 pages in the last few days.  

I had to take an emergency trip over the weekend and my reaction to everything was so detached.  I was crying on the way home thinking---what is WRONG with me?  Why am I so cold?  So calm?  So---unemotional?  My daughter - who is brilliant and truly an incredible human being - explained it how she sees it.  I no longer allow people to have a part of me just because of DNA or past relationships.  I treat people as they treat me and I don't let people have that part of me that is reserved for those that treat me properly.  Ok.  That makes sense, but I don't like being so detached.  However, as I write this I am crying---so it's there, the emotion.  I am not made of stone.  I just can't allow myself to get hurt the way I used to.  And that all started in 2013.  I was emotionally destroyed by someone I loved more than I thought I could love a person, someone I trusted to never hurt me.  And I was unprepared. So unprepared.  And  it happened again nearly every year since. It happened again in August.  And I haven't even shed a tear.  It is like I expected it.  I did not get angry.  I did not get upset. I just shrugged and said "It is what it is.  I did nothing wrong and this is not my fault."   Ahhhh, that's the difference!  In the past I blamed myself.  Beat myself up over and over again.  Changed the behavior.  Changed ME.  But guess what?  I am no longer taking blame when I did not cause a situation.  And not that I needed confirmation, but I have received confirmation from people close to the situation that this is not my fault.  But whether or not I have allowed it to destroy me again, it did enough damage the first time, obviously.  So what do I do?  Can I ever get that person I was back?  Do I want to?

For me....it is safer being this person.  I have allowed several people to destroy me since 2013.  Several times.  I always forgive, but I am not sure I can fully allow myself to FEEL the things I used to.  I still love, but it is guarded.  It is like I am always expecting them to hurt me or let me down and when they do I just accept it.  It's like I just don't care anymore about things that I used to.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.  It is not fair to anyone who comes into my life.

Two weeks ago I got some life changing news.  I am still processing it and I truly could not function for a good part of a week.  Then, last week I met my cousins from Las Vegas at the beach.  I had a blissful, joyful day.  We floated in the water, had lunch, just shared life and enjoyed each other's company.  I told my daughter on the way home, THIS.... TODAY is what I want in my life.  Easy conversations, people who GET me without me having to defend myself.   I drove 6 hours to spend 7 hours with them.  It was worth every second in the car.  I know the more time like that I spend the more I will get back to who I want to be.  But I also know that it requires me to either remove people from my life permanently or to keep them at arms length.  What concerns me the most is the lack of emotion that I feel even about the good stuff.  I guess it's because I know that the good stuff doesn't last, so why get excited about it.  It is just a matter of time before it disappears and you never know if and when it will come back.  And if it does, for how long?  

I have found a way to live in the moment.  I appreciate every single day and I realize that everything happens for a reason---even this situation and discovery today.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Rising up…straight to the top. Got the guts got the glory

I forget a lot of negative things in life.  A lot.  I have worked really hard to focus on the present moment (as that is all we are promised).  This week the past has come back with my creme filling son in a positive way and a negative way.  I got to see him back on the field for the first time in 5 years.  I cannot even type that without tears streaming down my face.  I cannot explain the range of emotions I experienced that night.  Nostalgia, excitement, sadness, happiness, faith and confirmation.  Confirmation that everything happens exactly as it should and that when you have faith and hope and conviction in your prayers- God delivers.  Now, he's playing in a men's softball league---so many would say, SERIOUSLY?  What's the big deal?  (Including my son, who laughed when he took one look at my face and knew I was about to cry).  Yes!  Seriously!!!  I wrote an entire book about how the game of baseball saved my son's life.  His love of that game and his desire to be on that field kept him fighting though his battle of childhood cancer.  When he decided to leave the game of baseball in college, I knew it was the right decision.  I was, however, afraid he would never pick up a glove again.  He said as much.  I knew, in my heart, that that would be a big mistake.  However, he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish in his life and this was not the time for baseball.  He has since completed his bachelor's degree, gotten his real estate license, moved out of state and back, gotten married, purchased his first brand new home, (not in that order)at the young age of 23.  So, when he decided it was time to join a league I knew that divine timing was at play.

Last night he asked me for some pictures of when he had cancer.  He has never wanted to look at those before.  I asked why.  He said, "It's childhood cancer awareness month".  I forgot.  So I shared a file I have of pictures of just him.  I kept adding the cancer ones (noticing there were none of the two of us together--hmmm) He said, "I do not recognize that boy.  You don't have to go through anymore mom if it's too hard for you."  Huh?  I said I don't mind it AT all.  All I feel is proud and happy when I see those pictures.  He replied "WHY?"   I said "WHY?  Because look at you now!"  To which he sent me a wiseass selfie commenting on yea, now I have hair.  I said No!  Without that little boy, this man would not be who he is!  So as heart wrenching and AWFUL as it was---I can't wallow there.

I will honor September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I will keep all of those families in my prayers as they battle this horrific disease.  I know not everyone is blessed to have our outcome.   I am grateful EVERY day for DTM's life and the man he has become.

Because not every day is JUST a day in the life....

Homeward bound, I wish I was...homeward bound....

 

Home is where the heart is....this is a completely accurate statement.  Over the last few years I have gotten this overwhelming feeling every once in a while that I want to go home.  It was confusing to me, because most times I was home.  It happened enough that I felt like I had to delve deeper into what it meant to me.  At first I thought it was an energetic feeling coming from someone that felt that I was home---but I have discovered that was not it.  Then I thought, maybe it is heaven---maybe I wanted to go be with God in my heavenly home.  That did not feel right either.  I think I have figured it out.  I want to go back in time to when my children were all home with me under one roof.  Before school happened (the older two were homeschooled), before cancer, or other medical issues, or divorce touched our lives.  When every day was ours, just ours to do whatever we wanted.  When I could solve every problem they had and I had the responsibility to keep them happy and fed and well rested.  Life was so simple then.

I spoke to my sister about it, she said when she feels that way, for her it is going back to living in my parents home--when summer days were long and lazy.  I don't want to relive my childhood---I want to relive my childrens.  Although I am enjoying this phase of life where I have more freedom personally, I crave the days of snuggling under blankets watching movies and making memories.  My heart literally aches when I think about it.  And now, we are separated in different states as well as different homes.  

I also think it is more to do with who I was when they were little.  I miss HER too.  She had so much passion and love in her heart.  She loved fiercely *pause to take a phone call from my youngest son--yes there was bawling on my part*  Ok, she still loves fiercely---it's just different.  Everything is different.  It is not bad, just different.  I love the relationships I have built with my children. I treasure it!  I only wish I could go back with the knowledge of how amazing our relationships would be.  I would have enjoyed it even more.

Well, my entire mood has shifted after talking to my creme filling child.  How amazing that my children are my best friends?  How blessed and lucky am I?  That is why I miss those times, when it was just the four of us--in our own little bubble.  Luckily, I did cherish those moments while they were happening.   And I still get glimpses when we are all together.  But, as I am realizing, nothing lasts forever.  Not the good or the bad. I guess I have not gotten better at letting go of the picture of life the way I want it instead of what it is.  Although, back then I never thought past that day.  I never thought about what it would be like when they grew up.  I just loved the moments.  And that is why I do not like change.  And I feel the changes will be coming more consistently and I am not sure I am ready.

My hope is that where ever I am, my children will always consider that home.  Because my heart belongs to them and they will always be my home no matter what day in the life it is.....

Good morning yesterday.....you wake up---and time has slipped away

 

I am not really sure what is going to come through, but this post has been floating in my brain all weekend.  I was blessed to spend the weekend with all three of my children in beautiful Amelia Island.  I really cannot remember the last time we went away together when we were not visiting family in New York or Las Vegas or Florida.  I think their entire childhoods flashed before my eyes this weekend, along with every vacation we had ever taken.  This time away was much needed.  I gave my work phone to my daughter for the weekend (ok, she demanded it lol) and at first I felt lost like I was missing a limb--that made me realize how much I had changed and grown as much as my children have.  By the time we got to the hotel and settled in it went away.  I am enjoying my role as friend in my children's lives and not so much mommy anymore.  There is no worrying about whether I have packed their favorite things- they do that themselves now.  No more planning their meals and making sure they have snacks in between (yes, I still pack them, along with water, but if I did not they would fend for themselves).  I realized how different life has become....I was sitting poolside with my oldest and discussing everything under the sun and it occurred to me how quickly I had become a working mom and forgot what life was like before.  Watching all these families on vacation and kids in the pool with their parents I quickly went back in time to when that was me.  Yes, I got emotional, but not because they are grown up, but because I realized how I never could be completely in one place back then.  I remembered a trip to Disney World when my boys were probably 7 and nearly 3.  I thought about how when I was in the room with my younger son while he napped and my oldest was in the pool with his dad that all I could think about was being at the pool having fun with him.  Then, when my parents took over room duty and I was down in the pool I was thinking about how I wished my younger son would wake up and come have fun.  I could never fully enjoy myself.  I was always micromanaging time and moods and making sure everyone had the best time.  Yesterday morning we were at the pool and my younger son saw two brothers fighting in the pool and he turned to me and said "Hey ma!  Bring back memories?  Do you miss it?" chuckling with his brother.  I quickly replied, NO!  lol.  I much prefer this

watching them have a catch on the beach.  They had a wiffleball game with my daughter, daughter in law and her brother too.  This was much more fun.  Truth be told when they were little the beach was always a place they got along well.  This trip was a beautiful reminder of that.  Only now they go smoke cigars together instead of building sand castles -- still bonding.

My daughter and I went to order breakfast and they asked if we had paid for our coffees already---I said oh yes, my sons came down earlier and they brought them up to us.  She said "Oh yes, your boys were so nice!  Very polite, lots of please and thank yous--such gentlemen"  Wow, that never ever gets old.  I am so very proud of them every single day.   My daughter---where do I begin?  I feel like she is the absolute best version of me.  She is going away this week to spend time with our family in New York and knowing that, she stayed pretty close to me this weekend.  I cannot wait for my family to get to spend time with her alone and see her personality and just get to know her as an almost adult.  I will miss her, that goes without saying, but just like her brothers before her I love watching them get to experience life and become the people I prayed they would be.

I have never been one to think about my age, but this trip it really hit me that I am getting older.  I had the replay of my life in the back of my mind while at the forefront was the beautiful addition of my precious time with my kids.   Something was missing, but that is nothing new---that is missing every day of my life, I am getting used to that constant ache, but I forced myself to focus on the good.  The break from work, my 3 healthy, happy, miraculous offspring---enjoying each other's company while we still live in the same state.  I realized how blessed I am.  Some people never see the fruits of their labor.  I see it every time they are together.  Every time they talk about memories (even ones that make me look not so great ;) and knowing that their bond has strengthened over time....and that the one thing I worked so hard to instill in them shows----  Family First.  And everything else?  Just a day in the life.....

Sing.....Sing a song...sing out loud.....sing out strong!

Music.....it is really just words put to a tune, but it is so much more powerful than just that.  Music has the ability to touch your soul in a way that few things can.  It can take you to another place, can take you to a memory in a mere instant.  Recently I have been listening to music consistently.  I remembered when I took a quiz to see which senses were most important to having me feel joy.  That's when I realized that candles and music were very important in allowing myself to have those feelings.  As always, I lose my way and I don't make time for those simple things, but I decided it was time to make it a priority again.  Singing and dancing can make me feel that happiness I felt when my kids were little and we would dance in the kitchen every day.  I know most people have that memory with their significant other, you always hear about couples dancing together in the kitchen.  I've never had that.  I've only experienced that with my children, but that joy was precious nonetheless.  It brings me a lot of happiness that my children have playlists that include those songs and their memories are just as special.

The other day I was driving and listening to a recommended playlist on Spotify.  The song "Cherish" by the Association came on.  My first thought was of my cousin Cathy.  It was her wedding song with her first husband waaaaaayyy back in the 70's.  It made me wonder where she is and if she was still alive. (she is one of the handful of cousins that no one really speaks to).  In a matter of a minute, my mind went from that to how fortunate we are to have not lost many cousins on that side.  My cousin Tommy, my cousin Robert - and I thought wow, same family, that's odd.  Then I remembered my cousin Cliff who passed away when I was so young, his sister Lenore that I believe has passed and hmm, what is Mitchell up to? and then, of course to my cousin Richie who was killed in Viet Nam and how happy I am to be back in touch with his sisters (my cousins Pat and Annette).  All of those thoughts within a minute, simply from a random song.  

It made me wonder----are there any songs that would make me pop into someone's head?  Does everyone do this when they listen to music?  This also prompted another conversation....about cooking, and when you put love into the food.

My friend's father is turning 94 this week.  He is the sweetest man.  I have been promising him Pasta Fagioli for the last few years and they were celebrating his birthday this week so I finally got to deliver on my promise.  I often get nervous when cooking for people for the first time.  My children think I'm the best cook ever, my ex husband's family loved my cooking as well, but I still always worry that maybe I am not as good as they think I am.  I also made a Vegan version for a big majority of the group and that really made me nervous!  So I dropped the Vegan version off the night before the gathering so it could be heated before I got there the next day.  My friend and his brother tried it.  His brother is not my biggest fan so I knew he would not lie about how it tasted.  His entire demenour changed after one spoonful.  He looked at me with different eyes, I was no longer a fiesty opponent but a "damn good cook".  Hmmmm....maybe the way to a man's heart truly is through his stomach. 

The next day I arrived with the regular version of my mom's infamous pasta fagioli.  The birthday boy was just as excited to see that crockpot as he was to see me!  It was really such a special day and I am so grateful I was able to be a part of it.  Watching him be the center of attention and share his memories of when he was a child was truly magical.  The topic of cooking came up and a few of us were discussing how some people can make the same recipe and it tastes differently.  My adversary turned friend agreed with me that when someone cooks with love it definitely makes a difference.  I think that is why a mom's cooking tastes the best to their children.  These batches of pasta fagioli were made with me dancing and singing at the top of my lungs throughout the whole process. I truly love the people I was making it for and knowing that the birthday boy was excited for it gave me such joy. It is no wonder there was magic in each bowl.  Last night I had some and my daughter (who does not LIKE pasta fagioli) asked if she could have a taste.  I said, "ew it's cold."  She took a spoonful anyway.....she is now hooked!  She loved it.  She said it's never tasted so good!  See?  Music=magic!

Here are my thoughts on this whole topic, you need to bring JOY into everything you do!  Whatever that looks like to you.  Music may not be your thing, then find out what is!  What makes your heart and soul sing?  Do that!  Find that!  It changes everything! And joy, changes what would just be a day in the life.