The miracle God gave to me, gives me strength when I am weak....in my daughter's eyes

Apparently today is National Daughter’s Day. Who knew? In my eyes EVERY day is national daughter's day. And I have the best. I had the strangest dream last night and I had to ask Chat GPT to interpret it because I knew it was important. There was a party, then a snake that turned into an alligator and then into the cutest little Simba like Lion cub. In the dream I was trying to keep the snake out of the house and as I was going to take the dog out - Bam, the snake slid under the door and turned into an alligator. I was kicking it in the mouth trying to keep it from attacking my daughter, myself, and the dog. I was calling for my daughter to get something I was going to use to defeat the alligator and while she was looking for whatever it was I led the alligator out of the house. It then turned into the cutest little simba like lion cub. Chat GPT asked where the fear was while I was fighting the snake and the alligator- my stomach, throat, chest? Fear? What is that? I did not feel fear, I said, I was too busy protecting my daughter and the dog. 🤔 Well apparently that changed the whole thing. What stood out to me was that Chat said that even though my daughter was not actively involved she was learning everything she needed by watching me.... learning her lessons and how to behave from observing me all these years.

That got me thinking back over so many times. When I decided to get

divorced.  What struck me the hardest was watching her play with her dollhouse and I thought - Oh my- she is going to think this is how a husband treats his wife. This is a healthy marriage.... oh no, we cannot have that! So, I was not strong enough to leave for myself but for her? Absolutely! Then fast forward through the next 13 years and she has watched me handle---well.... A LOT! And she has learned not to quit.  Not to give in.  She has learned how to set boundaries and find her voice.  Lately she has reminded me so much of my younger self, only stronger and smarter and definitely more beautiful!  She has been watching, and I am grateful she picked up on the strengths.

 

I am so grateful that I have had her all to myself for the last 3 years.  It has been just the two of us as we finally were able to regulate our nervous systems after over a decade of pain, grief, chaos, disappointment, betrayal and so much more.  We have forged a bond that I can confidently say will never be broken.  Obviously, I will always have her back, I am her mom, but I also know she has mine.  I know that no matter what, she will always be my ride or die.

 We have decided it is time to rejoin the world and begin to make a life for ourselves here.  We went to an event the other night and we were put

into separate groups.  I watched her from afar mingle and get to know people and my heart was bursting with pride.  She is all the best parts of me.  When the end of the evening came, she was waiting at the door for me and my new friend said, "there's your beautiful daughter" and I smiled and as we all started chatting they said "you guys have an accent" - try as I might I just can't seem to escape that, but my daughter was so happy!  She said, “I love hearing that!" And as we talked more someone said - "you are so much alike!"  We laughed and I swore I could not have been prouder.  She has grown into the most fabulous human being, and I am just so incredibly grateful to have had this time with her, just the two of us, as the next phase of life starts.  And it is starting.... I feel it.  I know she will be able to manage whatever life throws at her and she HAS learned from watching me...I can see that.  But today while we were out exploring the world separately, I let out a heartfelt prayer - Lord please protect her heart.  Please send her people to lift her up and appreciate her for the incredibly kind and smart and amazing person she is.  And send her a man who will love her unconditionally.  Please do not let her heart be broken the way mine has - please spare her that part of life. Send her a partner

who will support her and love her and not let her down - someone who knows how very blessed he is to have captured her heart - because she deserves EVERY good thing in this world and what is more? She's earned it! In watching me battle what life has thrown over the last decade especially she has already lived through more than a young girl should---let the next chapter lead to her happily ever after, because she is the best of me and deserves the best life has to offer.  And not just a day in the life!

 

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

 I keep thinking about this being the autumn of my life....and this is my first autumn in 20 years and I am so excited!  But then there is the nagging voice that says - honey you're almost in the winter of your life don't kid yourself- I can usually shut that voice up with some chocolate.

This morning during an insightful conversation with my daughter we both came to the conclusion that we treasure peace over anything else.  She reminds me of the me I was in my early 20's.  Before motherhood and my 30's changed my view on life and the world.  When I was still the most important person in my life - I'm bringing that back.  I no longer crave approval from anyone.  It is a definite internal struggle because I still love BIG and I want to make people's lives easier in any way I can .... but it can no longer be at

the cost of my peace.  I have worked way too hard to get to this place of peace and dare I say joy again to lose it.  Is it lonely?  Sometimes.  But I have realized I am no longer willing to beg someone to want me in their life.  If you can't see what I bring to the table or to your life, then I'll remove your seat.  I will always allow people to return - until I don't - so if your seat at my table is gone, I think you need to ask yourself why.  Chances are I gave you everything I had including more chances than you deserved.  

Life is busy these days, full these days.  I have realized that all these years I put people above God.  Not intentionally, but it was a form of worship I am realizing.  And those people have left me, hurt me, ignored me and didn't value me the way that God does. I never have to beg God to spend time with me - to talk to me - to understand my point of view - He just DOES. There are a few people that I have regular contact with. Why is it that I can have daily voice

texts with my friends in Ireland and in Canada but people that I have given so much of myself to can't find 5 minutes to say "hey, how are you?"    Because you make time for the people that matter, that's why! A few of my other loved ones -there was a couple of weeks that life got out of control, and I didn't return their calls (totally unlike me!) and when things calmed down and I apologized they said "Never apologize - I get it!  Call me when you can!"  That is friendship.   In the past I would have stressed out that I didn't respond but I can't do that anymore.  Because hardly anyone does that for me.  I send messages that aren't responded to for days.  People that I have loved with all my heart that never think to check on me.  I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt.  It does....a LOT.  But as I said, I won't push myself in anyone's life ever again.  Now I am working on the hurt and dare I admit, anger that still pops up.  The feeling that I am not important enough to have someone make time for me, to miss me, to see how I am doing.  I know I have an extremely positive outlook on life.... I have faith that can move mountains.  But I am human, and I have struggles and heartache and things that keep me up at night.  Just because I carry it well does not mean it isn't heavy!  But lucky for me Jesus is always just a conversation away and He is always ready to take a seat at my table.   How blessed am I?  And that realization....is not just a day in the life!