Just remember til you're home again, you belong to me.

 Today is my birthday.  So many emotions and feelings being dredged up today.  I have been spending these winter days cleaning up playlists and photos on my phone/computer.  And up until today I was really enjoying it.  This morning, I was telling someone how annoying it is to me when people ask if I have any big plans for my birthday.... like it's a Thursday in January.  I'm working...it just happens to be the day my mother decided to give birth to me, I am 61 like what am I doing, going to Chuck E. Cheese?  We had a good chuckle over that one until I realized there is no Chuck E. Cheese in SD - the audacity!  I digress.  It got me thinking about my mom.  How she may have felt on my birthday every year.  How stressed she must have been with my dad driving down the L.I.E. during an ice storm and leaving my siblings home to give birth to me.  Life looks so different when you take a moment to look at things from a different perspective at any given moment, but yes...this one is a big one.  

I decided to play my playlist that is dedicated to her today, hence the title of this blog from the Duprees song "You Belong to Me".  I will always be her little girl, no matter how old I get and how long she's been gone.  I got this overwhelming longing to just be with her.  This perspective today has me wistfully wishing I could just let her brush my hair one more time while I yelp because she was NOT gentle with the tangles 😐 but I would even endure that to just be that little girl for a while. When my birthday was the most important day of my year.   When nothing mattered except being happy and playing all day.  Even as an adult with children of my own, when my parents were with me there was always this little piece of me that felt like I could just breathe.  

I am trying to remember when my birthday started to feel like just another day in the life and if I am truly being honest, it was my 21st.  My parents flew in to surprise me for 1 day (yes, they were THAT fabulous) but of course my boyfriend at the time needed to be picked up (do not ask why-let's just say I liked the bad boys at that time I guess) and when I got to his house he wasn't ready....I was totally freaking out I just wanted to get back to my house to see my parents.  So.....I was doing 90 on the Long Island Expressway---(I wonder if my dad did that the night I was born 😎) My 1972 Dodge began to overheat and there were the flashing lights behind me--did I mention I didn't have any ID or my purse with me?  Needless to say I was frozen in fear.  I guess having a bad boy as a boyfriend came in handy because he definitely was comfortable talking to the Police 😏.  He took the blame told the officer he told me to speed to get off the exit because the car was overheating (smoke WAS pouring out when he popped the hood).  I was really good at getting out of tickets when I lived in NY.  I cried, begged and they eventually let me go.  I cannot even IMAGINE how upset my parents were, we never spoke about it.  I don't even know how long I was gone but when I took him home that night I ended it.  So, that began my birthday's not being stellar...interesting I just realized this now.  The following year the LIRR was on Strike and we drove home from Manhattan in my brother's company van in a blizzard and by the time I got home I was not in the mood for celebrating to say the least....honestly?  I never thought about this until this very moment.  This makes so much sense - yea work on a Thursday looks pretty good now that I think about it.  And at least I got adorable photos and videos of my great nieces today and it didn't even snow!

This week my daughter was extremely sick.  I took care of her, tried to make her life as easy as I could and she apologized and thanked me over and over.  I remember when my mama would take over when I was overwhelmed as a busy mom and I know I probably didn't thank her enough.  I wish I could just go back for one day and stop everything and be with her, be present in her company.  I realized the other day that Catholics don't believe in heaven the way I do - between that and the annulment issues I am REALLY struggling as a Catholic.  Because if I am not reunited with my loved ones, sorry but heaven will be a bit of a disappointment.  Sorry if that's blasphemes but it is how I feel.  Somedays just knowing I will see them again is the only thing that gets me through if I am being real.  And when I do?  I am definitely apologizing for my 21st birthday fiasco - how did it take me 40 years to remember that?!  So, I guess it is not just a day in the life 😇

Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do

 

My daughter does not get sick often...in fact the last time she was sick was 2019!  But, when she gets sick, she gets siiiiiccckkkk. She came home from work so sick on Saturday.  So Saturday night I ran to Walgreens and stocked up on medicine and OJ and Gatorade---most of which I knew she wouldn't even use, but hey, you never know.  As I was driving home, I was struck with such nostalgia.  When my kids were little and would get sick, I realized their dad and I would not only be stressed about them being sick, but the extra expense that comes along with it was added stress.  I thought about how life is so different now, how I go through the store and pick up whatever is needed and I don't even look at the prices.  There is such a freedom in that that I never imagined having.  I realized I missed things and thank heavens for door dash and Walmart delivery because I was not running out again.   But on the way home my mind went to who takes care of me when I am sick.  Thankfully that is rare.  I remember being sick in 2021 for 4 days and that was not common.  When I was married before kids if I got sick my ex-husband was sicker (I actually laughed out loud when I typed that - so typical) so I thought back to my childhood.  I remember my dad being the one to take care of me, which was so bizarre.  He used to make me tea with lemon and honey and I would pour it down the sink and tell him I drank it.  Rocket scientist I was, I didn't wipe the sink down so he knew I was full of it.  I remember once my mom forced me to eat Alphabet soup and I told her it was making me sick...she didn't listen and well, we were spelling things as I threw up the entire bowl.  I remember her holding back my hair (probably feeling awful for making me eat it - creamed spinach 2.0) and I was so annoyed I didn't want to be touched.

I never forced my kids to eat or drink anything they didn't want when they were sick (or ever really).  I remember going for the chocolate Entenmann's and my mom saying THAT's what you're going to eat?  Yup...soothes my soul and always settled my stomach.  Anyway, I digress.  I was really confused as to why it was my dad I remember taking care of me when I was sick, so I asked my sister what she remembered.  She also remembered my dad touching her forehead for a fever in the middle of the night.  She remembered the tea with honey and lemon, and she said my mom making poached eggs on toast (ummm, no I never had that, probably after the Alphabet soup fiasco) My sister realized she never thought about this stuff.  I am weird, I know.  I am very interested in why I do the things I do and what wounds are triggered by what.  I came to the conclusion that my mother had a routine and us being sick was a huge monkey wrench in that routine.  Plus, she was probably very afraid of getting sick herself.  I always found it miraculous that I didn't get whatever my kids had when they were little.  I snuggled them, kissed them, was thrown up on, coughed on - I was kinda indestructible, I guess.  Because I could not afford to get sick!  Which brings me to this morning...I was freezing during the night.  I didn't have chills and it IS winter in SD so yea, I needed more blankets.  But then....my eyes opened and bam.  I felt the feeling.  You know.... that flulike head and your eyes hurt, and my body was not my friend.  I was like ummm no....that is not happening I have to make Chili for 80 people tonight and I have to work and I have absolutely no time to be sick.  Tylenol - check.  Advil - check.  Set alarms to remind myself to give Lu her meds and for me to take mine.  Took the most DISGUSTING cough medicine known to man and poof.  In the kitchen, making chili and feeling normal.  I am so very grateful!  This afternoon my little Lulu even came out of her room!  She's still pretty sick but definitely better.  She's a very good patient which makes it so easy.

I guess the whole point of this was how 1 trip to the drugstore could take me

down this wild nostalgic road this weekend and got me realizing that maybe I got my nurturing side from my dad after all.  I just always assumed it was my mom.  I also realize that most parents or people feel like in order to be well you have to do things that are yucky - maybe because that's what they were always taught.  Not me.  If you're already feeling sick, why not just eat or drink what makes you feel happy.  Kinda like life - why do things you hate just because someone says you have to or it's good for you?  Life is too short to be anything but happy and to do anything but what makes your heart smile surrounded by people who lift you up.  And do your very best to realize...it's never just a day in the life.