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Saturday, September 20, 2014

Sometimes you just need to say......

Whew...it is the middle of September already---where has this year gone?  Today was a great day.  I've had a lot of those lately.  It's all in the change in my perspective.   I've had a lot of walks down memory lane recently, all phases and stages of my life and I have realized that I've spent too much of my life by looking at what could be wrong, or anticipating something going wrong and forgetting to enjoy the good stuff.  And there is a lot of good stuff in my life. On September 1st I started a 30 day gratitude challenge.  It turns out it's not a challenge at all---my only challenge is what to choose for that day, I always have more than 1 thing to post.  Some are kept to myself for lots of reasons but they are still things I'm grateful for.

My new philosophy has changed a lot in my life.  I always wind up exactly where I want to be, not always exactly WHEN I want to be there and that used to cause me stress.  I've slowly, painfully and slowly lol decided to let go of the stupid time frames in my head.  Not going to lie, the fact that I'm turning 50 in January has been stressing me out a bit.  I am not where I thought I'd be in my life at 50 but then again, divorce and cancer and moving across the country and all the crap in between wasn't really in my future plans so how could I be?  The other morning I was in the gastroenterologist's office filling out the 75 pages of paperwork and when it came to my emergency contact information I froze.  I don't HAVE one of those anymore--- I'm single....and alone....2500 miles away from my family, what good would THEY do as an emergency contact.  I felt tears well up in my eyes (I know right?  What a friggin baby!)  I decided to put my sons down.  My oldest wouldn't answer the phone if God called (yes, yes, he IS my child) and my middle son is underage but they didn't ask for their ages so that's what I chose.  Moving on I got over myself (kinda, sorta, I was still upset, not gonna lie) but I still felt so alone!  Then I go into the Dr. and find out I have to have a procedure and they need to put me under---and I need someone to drive me home.  CRAP!  Here we go again!  So I think about it.  All my friends either work or have kids to pick up from school so that's not gonna work.  My oldest works overnights and I didn't even want to venture there to be honest.  So---my middle son is the lucky winner--poor kid.  I'm so glad he drives now or I really would have been in a pickle.  Yes, I had options (my friends that are reading this I KNOW I just had to ask, I know lol) but I don't like putting people out.  Anywho, I digress....so, the old me might have let that alone feeling, pathetic loser feeling, OMG how did my life turn out like this feeling overwhelm me.  Not the new and improved almost 50 year old me!  She felt wishy washy for a little bit but by the time I picked the kids up from school I was back to having the world on a string.  Why?  Because I chose to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.  Because being in this situation is way better than still being married and being unhappy and never have moved to this beautiful state. And because I could work it out and I DID have options.  And THAT is what makes life so amazing!

In the past I allowed my pride, stubbornness and what was "fair" to keep me from speaking what I felt.  I often had a "kiss my ass" attitude or the thoughts of looking weak or being taken advantage of and that kept me from coming from my heart and a place of love.  I have worked really hard to not allow that to happen anymore.  I speak my truth from my heart and if someone takes it the wrong way, that's their issue not mine. If I get rejected or ignored, oh well, at least I was true to myself. That being said, I also don't allow myself to feel guilty for saying no to someone or not compromising my feelings or desires to do something because someone else wants me to.  It's like a JOB some days, a true balancing act, but I'm getting there.  Little by little, bit by bit.  It's not a race, it's an endurance challenge.

Every day we have the option to choose what kind of day we are going to have!  Yes shit happens and stuff might be less than ideal in your life, but what are your alternatives?  EXACTLY :)  So put a smile on your face, a song in your heart (or on your Ipod) and dance like no one is watching! 
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