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Sunday, January 25, 2015

January Musings - It's just emotion.....

Well a lot can change in a few days, hell a lot can change in an hour.  I was having a great morning.  I spend most days focusing on the positive and avoiding negative thoughts.  It's the way I've been training my mind now for some time (and I unconsciously lived most of my life like that, but now I'm doing it on purpose and more diligently).  Today, it came unhinged so quickly I just don't know how it happened but I crashed and burned.  Even sitting this evening thanking God for the beautiful sunset and view from the baseball field just didn't fix it.

My mother is sick.  Very sick.  I don't talk about it a lot because that gives the thoughts power.  It has been almost a year since it started.  She had a lump on her neck that was diagnosed as Lymphoma.  The same disease my son had 5 years ago.  Easy to cure, so we were told.  Should be a simple treatment.  Well, that hasn't been the case.  She has COPD on top of it, Emphesyma and now an anuerysm on her aorta.  My brother and sister and I are all far away.  They are 1300 miles away, I'm 2500.  We have all taken turns going down, including my nieces and nephews so that they aren't alone for more than a few weeks.  She has been hospitalized twice in as many months.  She is truly struggling to breathe more often then not.  The chemo doesn't seem to be working, this is the 4th different kind.  Radiation was done, she can't have any more of that.  And then they found the anuerysm on her aorta.  It's like a bad movie.  Only it's not.  It's my family and it's all too real.  My dad is handling it all, but he's getting worn out.  My mom is fighting hard, but she's getting tired.  Praying for a miracle seems to be the only answer.  The COPD is a horrible disease and it's not going away, it doesn't go away it just gets worse.  My mom used to ride her bike 5 miles a day and that kept it from progressing quickly.  But then Cancer reared it's ugly head.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm dissappointed. I'm confused. And I'm grateful.  Let me explain.

I'm angry that this is happening to my family and my parents.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I'm not stupid, I know people don't live forever, but they weren't supposed to get sick!  Danny took that bullet for us all.  And my brother, with his triple bypass.  They did it!  They took it for us all.  That was supposed to be enough!

I'm sad.  I'm sad that my mom is suffering.  I'm sad that my dad has to watch and deal with it.  I'm sad that we aren't all in the same place to deal with it.  I'm sad my kids have to deal with this and my nieces and nephews.  I'm sad that I can't just stop everything and move there and be with them to take care of them.  I'm also angry about that, add it to the above.

I'm overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do!  There are no guidebooks.  I'm trying to stay strong and do what needs to be done for my kids.  I was at the baseball field today and then left and took Danny to another field for an opportunity and I felt selfish.  How could I be doing this while my parents need me?  I'm sitting outside in the beautiful fresh air and they are in a hospital, alone!  But what am I supposed to do?  My kids need me.  Leaving them isn't an option, I'm all they have.  I can't focus on anything and I have no motivation to do anything but talk to my brother and sister on the phone.  That comforts me.  I spent the entire day yesterday on the phone with my sister.  Nothing got done, but it was comforting.  I don't know what to think, or do or say.

I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed that some people I love most (outside of my immediate family) aren't there for me.  People I treasure, haven't even asked how my mom is.  Left me cold.  I don't talk about all of this a lot because it's personal and emotional and I don't want to bring people down.  I did the same thing when Danny was sick.  I had my core group of people that I shared with and that was enough for me.
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